Idealizing parenting

[Arduinna]

I'd discuss this with dh but I am not sure he would get it. I'm struggling with the idea of what is a good reason to have more children. Ideally I think it would be because one wants to parent another child. But often times the thing that draws me back to the idea of having another child is the things I didn't get to do when growing and parenting dd.

I was a single mom by choice. I never had a partner to plan her with, share the pregnancy with, choose a name with. I didn't have the birth I wanted, which was a home birth because I wasn't in the living conditions nor had the support that I could do that. I didn't get to CLW because I was forced financially to return to work and had my BFing relationship sabotaged by my mom who was dd's care taker at the time.

But is having the UC that I wish I could have had and being able to CLW really a good enough reason to have a child? Clearly it's more about me than about the child. I feel like it's so easy to get caught up in the stuff, like the cute cloth diapers, and the slings and doing things a certain way. Finally being in a secure financial position unlike when I had dd and when she was young and we didn't have insurance until she was probably 8. It could be so different this time. But is that a good enough reason? Is it really? I don't know. I feel guilty that such thoughts are just about fitting in, materialism and that it isn't right to bring a human being into the world so that I can experience the UC I never had.

:

[Momma Aimee]

i think the reason we want kids, or more kids, are always VERY COMPLEX.

We are TTC #2, I was an only.

I don't want DS to be alone when DH and I are old, i want him to have help takling care of stuff, and just not be alone.

I want family game nights -- board games, and so on -- with kids running around. stuff i never had, as attentive as my folks were.

I want to watch my kids running in the yard as i sit on the porch swing.

....... some would say that is all for ME and not for the new baby we are seeking.

I think that wantting to add to your family -- to have a totally differnt experience than you had the first time -- is not by-and-of-itself a bad thing.

I understand how tough it can to be talk all this "fluff" with dh.

Think about a few things --

what about after the sling, and the cd and the CLW and all -- think about another pre-teen or teenager.....homeowrk, and fights about curfew........stil up for that next baby?

Think about -- what if you have another birth that isnt what you want....emergency c-section, or high blood perssure that risks you our of a home birth....what if after 18 months the BF stops working for whatever reason, whatif from day 1 you fight and struggle to latch on, and BF is always work and a challange.........still want that baby?

Think about allt he BAD things that you coudl possible fear -- month in NICU, birth defects.........

I bet you still want that baby -- right??????

Then it is not just about the cloth diapers and the child lean weaning and so on... it is about mothering; and growing as a mother and getting to be who you want to be in your family

Just my take on it -- i am sure others will be a lot wiser than i

A

[AngelBee]

I guess I would look into your reasons for not having another child and then weight it out

To me.....cute dipes and UC are reason enough

Honestly.....I know I will have more children. I feel it. I have never really thought about "why".......I just feel it. I do not think it is selfish of me to have more children. But there are not alot of concerns I have not to have more....KWIM?

Ok.....so that I am sure was not that helpful : I am confusing myself!

[HollyBearsMom]

I think people have children all the time for no other reason then they can. I think sometimes deciding to have children or another child can be over thought too. I also believe that when you are not pregnant or TTC it is easy idealize the thought of another child. I think it is easy to verbalize that I want another because of XYZ. But in your *heart* you know it is so much more than that.

I don't think having a child is every completely rational. But reading all your posts lo these many years I know that you truly know what is involved. You know that having another child is more than cute dipes, having a dream UC and neing able to CLW. You know the sacrifices, the lack of sleep, all that fun ( ) stuff. You are in a good place right now so personally I can't think of much better reasons to have a child than yours.

[sunnysideup]

It's my feeling that when you feel the pull to have another child, you think about things like cute cloth diapers, nursing and what the birth will be like. When you feel *done* cute cloth diapers don't interest you.

Of course, there's more to it than just wanting another baby--you have to want and have the energy for another person in your family.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

I think people have children all the time for no other reason then they can. I think sometimes deciding to have children or another child can be over thought too. I also believe that when you are not pregnant or TTC it is easy idealize the thought of another child. I think it is easy to verbalize that I want another because of XYZ. But in your *heart* you know it is so much more than that.

I don't think having a child is every completely rational. But reading all you post lo these many years I know that you truly know what is involved. You know that having another child is more than cute dipes, having a dream UC and neing able to CLW. You know the sacrifices, the lack of sleep, all that fun ( ) stuff. You are in a good place right now so personally I can't think of much better reasons to have a child than yours.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by Aimee21972

what about after the sling, and the cd and the CLW and all -- think about another pre-teen or teenager.....homeowrk, and fights about curfew........stil up for that next baby?

actually my dd is 17 and the teen years are not a problem at all.

But I know what you are saying

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

I think it is easy to verbalize that I want another because of XYZ. But in your *heart* you know it is so much more than that.

I don't think having a child is every completely rational. But reading all your posts lo these many years I know that you truly know what is involved. You know that having another child is more than cute dipes, having a dream UC and neing able to CLW. You know the sacrifices, the lack of sleep, all that fun ( ) stuff. You are in a good place right now so personally I can't think of much better reasons to have a child than yours.

knowing what I'm in for has kinda always been the drawback. You know once you have one there is no more rose colored glasses, you know exactly how much work it is and how much joy. But it's the work that is scary

[laralou]

I totally feel you, Arduinna. I am having the same pangs for the same type of reasons and struggling with whether that is fair. I have three already. My family struggles financially and I work 6 part-time jobs so I can stay with my kids full-time. Is it really fair to have another child and burdon the finances further (not to mention my time, which is currently being split more than I can handle) because I want another baby to nurse and dress and cuddle with, not to mention the homebirth I have never gotten?

My twins were my do-over baby. With my now 13yo, I made mistakes out of ignorance and lack of support. With the twins, though, I made compromises to my ideals out of sheer desperation (how could I have thought I could EC twins???). I would love another chance to do it all "right", but struggle with is it the right thing to do.

Now I am not totally in your place, because right now dh is unwilling to even discuss another, but I still debate with myself...

[Momma Aimee]

Originally Posted by Aimee21972

what about after the sling, and the cd and the CLW and all -- think about another pre-teen or teenager.....homeowrk, and fights about curfew........stil up for that next baby?


actually my dd is 17 and the teen years are not a problem at all.

But I know what you are saying

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I was not trying to say the teen years are bad or not as fun or antyhing -- just trying to show -- well yes we all think cute dipaers are fun, but they lead to teens and ...... uhhhh not sure how to say this --- i love cute diapres, but i am exticed to have a teen and watch him become a man too -- someone who jsut wanted cute dipaers would not feel that way -- i was trying to show the OP that I knew she wasn't jsut thinking cute diapers -- buttttttttttt when TTC you aren't looking at prom dresses !!!

surely didn't mean to insult or disparage the teens years.....

[Arduinna]

I wasn't insulted, it's all good

[KBinSATX]

No advice from me but I wanted to say how admirable of you to be so honest with yourself. It sounds like you already have your answer, too...

[pilesoflaundry]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

But is having the UC that I wish I could have had and being able to CLW really a good enough reason to have a child? Clearly it's more about me than about the child. I feel like it's so easy to get caught up in the stuff, like the cute cloth diapers, and the slings and doing things a certain way. Finally being in a secure financial position unlike when I had dd and when she was young and we didn't have insurance until she was probably 8. It could be so different this time. But is that a good enough reason? Is it really? I don't know. I feel guilty that such thoughts are just about fitting in, materialism and that it isn't right to bring a human being into the world so that I can experience the UC I never had.

:

For me, no. But I think it's a very personal decision. I never had a homebirth for various reasons with each kid. I always wanted one and a few times in my life have regretted it. I won't have a 4th child for it though. I don't want another child, I don't want another family member so having another baby just to use a sling again and have a homebirth wasn't good enough for me.

Good luck deciding. I actually preferred my 2 surprise pregnancies over my 1 planned one. The decision to go ahead with it is too much for me.

[savannah smiles]

DD2 wasmy do-over baby. DD1 was planned but came very early in our marriage and there were so many stressful factors surrounding her first year (job change for dh, moving, PPD) that I felt like I never got to enjoy being a mother to an infant. We were on the fence about another for a few years and one of my main reasons for wanting another was to have another newborn to nurse and to do things better and the other big reason was so that my first dd would have the opportunity to have a great sibling relationship.
Long story short I was able to do it much better this time and that's been great! I'm very glad we had her and that I was able to actually enjoy the ride this time around. Now I wonder about having a third simply because I feel like it could be equally fun the 3rd time around, but is that a good enough reason?

You know much better than I (my oldest is only 5) what parenting is like through all the ages and stages so if that's something you'd like to do again,then go for it! I think it's normal to focus on wee baby things because they tug at the heart so easily. Good luck!

[laralou]

Off topic: I like your name "savannah smiles" - that is on my all time top 5 favorite list of movies. I even own it on DVD and can sing every song.

[Mel717]

After my 3rd, which was a planned homebirth turned hospital birth due to arrival at 35 weeks, I did not want anymore kids. I was happy that I was finally able to experience bf, disappointed about not having homebirth, but definitely did not want another child. Then along came surprise #4. Again there were complications so I didn't get my homebirth, but I was greatful for my surprise baby. I really didn't want anymore as my family was getting so big, I felt it was just right....then along came surprise #5. At this time I was really sick, felt near death actually, cried for months that my family was growing again. But the pregnancy got me to the doc where I found out about my thyroid condition which I got meds for and recovered. Finally I got my homebirth and it was awesome. I am extremely greatful that I got to have that experience and I just love my baby boy. I finally had the tubal so there won't be anymore, but for me, I think I needed the experience, to make MY life complete, and I don't think it's selfish, because I still love and care for my child like all the others. He is my gift, his birth an act of healing, and for that I can give back to all my kids the knowledge of how it's meant to be, how it can be. If I had known what I'd be missing with #4 and #5, I never would have said I didn't want anymore kids, KWIM? My only regret is that I don't feel I can provide for MORE children. But that's me. I will always have a special bond with my homebirth baby. I wish my other kids could have had that kind of start.

[Momma Aimee]

i think every child and every birth -- the planning, the preperation, the birth itself and then raiseing the baby / child ---------- teaches us soemthing. about us, about life..........

[newmommy]

hm, personally for me, it wouldn't be a good enough reason to have another child and I too missed out on alot during DS's first year.

I just don't have the desire to parent another.

Do you think it's because since your DD is older and may be going off to college, wanting her first apartment, ect.. you are facing the "empty nest" syndrone?

[WonderWild]

I know what you're saying. I've had those same thoughts. I could do things so differently now that I know different stuff. I don't know if it's a good enough reason or not but you're not alone.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by newmommy

Do you think it's because since your DD is older and may be going off to college, wanting her first apartment, ect.. you are facing the "empty nest" syndrone?

I always wanted another, but it just never happened, I had cancer when dd was about 7 and then I got pg again after I was in remission but I lost the baby. Then I had a long mourning period. There were a variety of other reason which I feel contributed to us not having another. So the desire has been there but like someone else posted I am not that good with having it planned. It's not like the first time where I just decided I wanted to have a baby even though I was 24, not in a LTR, and had recently been layed off : Now I can't do it without second guessing