What's wrong with my daughter?

[Alex1976]

I feel very bad. My daughter is 14, I know that it is a difficult age, but I didn't think it would be so hard with her. She doesn't obey, it's impossible to talk with her and it seems to me that I don't know her at all. Her grades have dropped, she comes late home, I don't know her friends at all, and she is constantly rude to her father and me. Maybe, it is my fault, and I feel really bad. I need your support.

[taterbug1999]

Momma,
I wanted to let you know that while your own daughter may be experiencing something making her behave this way- she unfortunately doesn't sound all that odd. Take heart... I was THE WORST person on earth to my poor parents during my teen years. I cussed them, lied to them, called them everything in the book, told my poor mother I hated her on so many occassions I can't count. She shed more tears because of me during my teens than she probably has in her life all total. I messed in drugs, unsafe sex, and was pretty much a useless piece of poo for about 5 or so years (around 15 1/2 to 20 years old) I managed to do all this while maintaing grades and being a honor society member and cheerleader. Which is hilarious cause I think that's what kept my folks fooled. Point is I was a total prick and kept on being one until my dad died when I was 20, and even a little beyond. It was not until I actually had kids of my own that I truly understood the love my parents had for me and how I must have hurt them. But now, entering into my 30s, my mother is my dearest friend and confidante. I would honestly rather do stuff with her than the women I know my own age. She is a wonderful woman and we love to share our memories of my dad together. And I mellowed out, have 2 great kids, and even married a cop LOL. I look back on all the crap I pulled and how cruel I was to them and wish I had 20/20 hindsight. So there is hope. "This too shall pass" I know my own mother did not think so when I was ripping her heart out by blowing curfew and being no where to be found and I probably will be heart broken when my own daughter is old enough to do the same to me, but there is hope. If she is like the average girl there will come a day when she like I apologizes to her momma for all the stupid crap she did as a child and tells you you were right about everything. I have said that apology a dozen times in my adult life already!
That said of course be diligent in that momma instinct and of course keep a handle on whether this is truly teen angst or something more. I would have probably been better off if my mother had snooped in my business a little more and trusted my lies a little less. But hang in the momma- my guess is you've only got 5 or 6 more years of it!

[lesley&grace]

I think that there is probably a mix of regular teen girl angst going on...I remember being horrid to my dad especially (to me, all my problems seemed to be caused by him...I have no idea why). BUT you are concerned because you don't know her friends, grades are slipping, she is disrepectful to you and her father and the household rules. If I were in your position, I would sign up the family for counselling. You need to get some help in reaching out to your daughter again, and she needs to know you are there for her no matter what.
...good luck mama, the teen years are rough on every one involved.

[egwtme]

support

You have my support! It sounds like you feel rather frustrated and perhaps even a little overwhelmed right now with the strain in your relationship with your daughter. While some of what you described briefly is common at this age, it does not mean that it should not or will not be hard on you. I would encourage you to work on bridge-building (setting aside time for you and your daughter to do something together) and commuication. Remember also that while she will fight boundaries she still needs you to create them

[hipumpkins]

Check out the book, "Hold on to your kids" it delves really well inot this subject and gives great advice about how to get your connection with them back.

[Alex1976]

Thanks for the advice - it's already helped more than you may think. I definitely agree that this is a tough time in the life of a parent. There are so many decisions to make, and sometimes it seems like I'm dealing with it all alone. So, it is nice to know that there are others who are dealing with the same thing, or who have made it through. It is hard to get a lot of information out of my daughter, since our relationship seems to have broken down so much - but I will start making more of an effort to see how she has been feeling and what she has been up to. Thanks again for the advice, I really appreciate it!