Thinking about having second child once first is in school...

[beckington]

I was at a coffee shop a few days ago and there was a bunch of woman there with little babies and it so reminded me of when Alex was a baby and I'd do exactly the same thing and I started getting all sentimental and wistful - we want another child but when I have a newborn it won't be like that again, because I'll have Alex to chase after etc! Anyhow most of the women left and there was just two women left over and I was listening to their conversation ( ) and thinking 'aaawww, first-time moms with their little babies' and it turns out that one of them has a child in school! I was shocked! I mean, she was totally passing for a first-time mom! And then I started thinking, wow, what a great idea! You get to do all that first-time mom stuff again! And have proper one-on-one time with your baby! Cool!

We would like another child - I was really ready about 1.5 years ago but we were just about to move to another country so the timing seemed bad and we waited, but since we've moved I've never felt like 'now' was the time. I like our life how it is. There is going to be at least 4 years spacing between our kids now and in the grand scheme of things, what's another year? We've missed all the benefits of having kids closer together now, you know? No rush on that end now! It is an extra year off from work, but that's the only disadvantage I can see and I see lots of advantages. But I guess I'm a bit concerned about that sibling bond thing - though really, is a year going to make that much of a difference? Certainly not when they are adults, but as children? Would there be much difference between how say a 10 and 5 year old get along, compared to a 10 and 6 year old? I can't see it.

So people who have waited to have their second child until the first was in school (even if it wasn't an intentional plan), do you recommend it? Advantages/disadvantages?

I think I've been putting pressure on myself to get into the mood to have a second child because people seem to expect it and have been finding excuses why not to yet (though don't get me wrong, there are days when I'd loooooooooove another baby NOW), and this thought that maybe it'd be good to plan to wait is actually pretty freeing or something!

[marybethorama]

I'm not planning on another but...

I've heard from people who've had kids 5 years apart that they LOVE it

the only negative I can think of is if you have to drive your child to school. Then getting the baby in the car can be a hassle. Still a whole school day is even better than preschool. Preschool seems like it's over almost as soon as it begins.

[limabean]

We're probably going to wait another couple of years before having our next baby (DS is 27 months), which would put us right around when DS starts school. I've always wanted to wait at least until he's in preschool because I work from home and I just can't fathom being able to get *any* work done with 2 kids at home.

I guess I think a little about the effect that large spacing would have on the kids' relationship, but I don't worry too much -- I know enough real-life examples of siblings of all types of age-spacing, and some have problems with each other and some don't -- it doesn't seem to be dependent on how many years are between them.

I think as long as you're doing what feels right to you and your family, you're going to be happy with your decision and will parent both kids lovingly and effectively.

I'm interested to see posts from mamas who have BTDT, though, and hear what they have to say about it!

[tangozulu]

I LOVED having my kids spaced but as a result I have been, and will, parenting for many, many years (my oldest is almost 14 and my youngest is 7 weeks, and we may not be done).

The main benefit you miss out on is that kids entertaining eachother. If one kid is in school all day, then you are home entertaining the baby instead of being able to let them play together. My sister and I are one year apart and I never remember our mom playing with us because we had eachother. This may be less of an issue if you are WOH and the baby is in childcare, then the kids are home at the same time, anyway.

My ds who is 2 is in daycare a few mornings a week and I often get asked when I am out alone with the baby if I am a first time mom. I get quite a look of surprise when I say I have a 13 year old at home

[Cx(mummy to be)]

:
Oh what a great thread. This is what I hope to do with my kids. Like you I feel that it would be nice to give the 2nd child the same attention as the first.
However my dp disagrees and think there will be major jealousy issues with a 5 year age gap, as child #1 is so used to getting all the attenton. I've tried to tell him that its all down to the individual child and also to the way parents handle the situation more than the age gap. So I'm hoping this thread will get some positive responce to help back me up.

[shayinme]

My kids are 13.5 years apart and I love it. No, my kids are not going to be bosom buddies considering that ds is 15 and in HS and dd is 18 mos but for my sanity it works well. Oddly enough ds adores his little sista and dd loves chasing big brother around.

My brother & I are 8 years apart with me being the oldest and while growing up we were not close now that we are adults we are pretty tight.

I like being able to give each kid my attention and having a teenager and a toddler is fun for me since just by spending time with ds, I get my own leisure time built in, since we do things like go see movies, take him shopping.

I know my situation is not for everyone but it works for us.

Shay

[savannah smiles]

I spaced mine 4 years apart for just this reason. I wanted dd1 to be in at least preschool so that I'd have some time alone with the wee one to bond or catch up on sleep. Like someone mentioned, one of the drawbacks is having to get the baby up and into the car for the drive to and from school and there were some adjustment issues on dd1's part that were quite bad and lasted for several months but who knows if that could have been avoided with a different spacing or not. If we do have a 3rd child, I think I'll go for a 3year gap instead because although my big spacing made the first year easier, now I can see where them being able to play together and whatnot would be easier now. Does that makes sense? !

[AngieB]

My fisrt two children are 2 years apart and they are pretty close and play nicely together. Then #2 and #3 are four years apart and I've enjoyed having the age difference. I feel like I've enjoyed #3's babyhood much more than I did #2's because I had the space and the break between babies, plus #2 is in school most of the day so I have time with just the youngest. Plus #2 and #3 play really well together even with the age difference and enjoy each others company.

My Dh has one younger brother who is 5 1/2 years apart and they have never gotten along, have nothing in common and do not see or speak to each other unless somehow forced together by their mother. But I think alot of that comes from how the parents acted towards them when they where growing up. The younger brother was the "golden" child, mom's baby who could do no wrong and it's still like that. I guess my point is you should be careful about how you nurture the sibling relationship.

[Seawen]

I'm so glad to find this thread! I'm expecting #2 in May and I have a 6 year old. This wasn't what dh and I planned (long infertility story) and I've been worrying that 6.5 years would be disaster but you all make it sound so good.

Thank you!!

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by marybethorama

the only negative I can think of is if you have to drive your child to school. Then getting the baby in the car can be a hassle.

My boys are 7 years apart, and I love it. There are things that are a little tricky to handle, like the driving to school thing (although it pales in comparison to chasing a 2 year old around while trying to watch his brother's basketball game ), but I imagine, all in all, it's easier because you get a lot of help from the older child. I loved being able to ask DS1 to go get something for me when I was trapped on the couch in a hour long nursing session. If only he could have gone to the bathroom for me, too

[Lisa85]

We're not planning on a large spacing, but something similar. Dd#1 is 15mo and dd#2 is due in about 4 weeks. We hadn't planned on them being that close and I originally wanted about 3 years, but that's just how things turned out so it's on to plan B. We want (or at least we think we want) 4 kids. When dd#2 starts either preschool or school is probably when we'll start 'round 2' and have two more kids close in age. I like the baby stage, but it is really really draining so I didn't want to be doing it all over again 4 times. With my first two close in age, even though dd#1 isn't technically a baby anymore I still feel like I'm in the baby stage as she needs help with pretty much everything still and doesn't communicate or understand things like an older child would.

[AngieB]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

We're not planning on a large spacing, but something similar. Dd#1 is 15mo and dd#2 is due in about 4 weeks. We hadn't planned on them being that close and I originally wanted about 3 years, but that's just how things turned out so it's on to plan B. We want (or at least we think we want) 4 kids. When dd#2 starts either preschool or school is probably when we'll start 'round 2' and have two more kids close in age. I like the baby stage, but it is really really draining so I didn't want to be doing it all over again 4 times. With my first two close in age, even though dd#1 isn't technically a baby anymore I still feel like I'm in the baby stage as she needs help with pretty much everything still and doesn't communicate or understand things like an older child would.

That's what we are doing, it wasn't really planned that way it's just how it worked out. DD#1 and DS are 2 years apart then there is a four years space before DD#2 and now 2 years later DD#3 is due in a few weeks.

[earthmama369]

Coming from the child's POV. And this is just my experience -- 4 years or 6 years would have been better. 5 years was really rough for me. The year my mother got pregnant and had my sister was the year I started kindergarten. I thought they were sending me away so they could have another baby.

Granted, if they had sat down with me and really reinforced my continuing place in the family, that probably would have helped! But maybe they did and I don't remember it and just didn't get it at the time.

My sister and I didn't get along AT ALL until she got big enough to hit me back. As adults, we're very close and I love her dearly. But it was a long road to get here, with a lot of resentment on my part along the way. :

Unlinking those two major life events -- going to school and getting a sibling -- would have helped a lot.

[beckington]

Originally Posted by earthmama369

Unlinking those two major life events -- going to school and getting a sibling -- would have helped a lot.

Aw, that's interesting. Another thing I was thinking was that having the second child after Alex was at school would mean that he wouldn't really be spending much time with the baby and I wonder how much they'd bond if not spending much time together? I don't think it has to be a problem, but it's definitely something to be aware of, you know? Maybe I'll have to plan to have second child the spring before school starts so they have a few months of bonding (though I imagine a 5yo will think a newborn is rather boring!) before he's shipped off to school!

The age gap is going to be at least 4 years now anyhow, so we've already missed out on the whole playing together/amusing each other advantage. If we have a third I think it'll be quick after the second!

Hmmmmmmmmm... interesting to consider... (though I was having massive baby cravings today!)

Thanks mamas!!

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by beckington

Another thing I was thinking was that having the second child after Alex was at school would mean that he wouldn't really be spending much time with the baby and I wonder how much they'd bond if not spending much time together?

I wouldn't worry about this too much. I know when your child is small it's hard to imagine, but when your child is at school for 6 hours a day, they still spend a LOT of time with you, doing family stuff. Bonding isn't affected in any major way, IME. It's really not as if they move out at age 5. I don't think DS1 is any less bonded to DS2 because they spend time apart during the day. In fact, I think it probably makes DS1 more tolerant, because he has time to do "big boy stuff" and doesn't get burnt out on toddler stuff. The only time they really get into a lot of sibling rivalry is on the weekends. By saturday night (like now) DS1 is kind of wanting a break

[Mama Dragon]

I loved the 7 year difference between #2 and 3. Then 4 came along as a surprise, but there was 2 years that #3 and I got actual cuddle time.

[beckington]

Originally Posted by woobysma

It's really not as if they move out at age 5.

That cracked me up! You're right, it's hard for me to imagine what it's like with a school-aged child. That makes sense about it actually working well - would give older child space and the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing.

Of course, I've been seeing pregnant women everywhere the past couple of days and last night spend ages looking a pictures of pregnant bellies, so this whole thread might be for nothing!

[flyingspaghettimama]

My children are almost six years apart, and it's GREAT. While the first is at school, my son and I can go on playdates (which are really for mamas), take music classes, go to the park, whatever. I feel like I really get that one-on-one time with him. It's like having two only children. When my daughter comes home, she's very excited to play with her little brother, and he's so happy to see her.

The only sad thing that happens is when he wakes up from his nap on weekdays and looks for her, and she's at school. Awww.

I had my first at a fairly young age though. So there's a drawback if you're older. And it really messes with your worklife if you're planning to work - although I worked up until I got pregnant with my second, part-time. Now I just stay at home, the first time I've done so. It's nice.

And I absolutely treasure every single minute with my second - when you have a seven year old and a one year old, you realize how fast the time flies...

[guest9921]

I was seriously considering this - well, wanted it to be this way - thought that I would give each child my one on one attention when they needed it most.

Now I've decided to homeschool and it'd be impossible with a newborn and 5 yr old.


We're TTC soon.

[ktarsha]

I'd like to do it this way, because I am not sure how I'd do with a toddler and a newborn. But I'm almost 37, and I am really not sure about having another baby when I'm 42.