11 year old girls

[camomof5]

Are they all mean, and lazy? I mean I have had it with my 11 yr old DD. There are 7 of us in this family and it takes a lot to keep up with everything. DD does not want to help does chores half way, starts arguments w/ the other kids, and is a major drama queen. Are all girls like this at this age?

[tasbaby]

I don't know if they are all that way, but I do know that my 11 year old DD has been hard to deal with lately! She's driving me crazy. :


Tina

[talk de jour]

I know I was

[PajamaMama]

Originally Posted by camomof5

Are they all mean, and lazy? I mean I have had it with my 11 yr old DD. There are 7 of us in this family and it takes a lot to keep up with everything. DD does not want to help does chores half way, starts arguments w/ the other kids, and is a major drama queen. Are all girls like this at this age?

They are contradictory critters! I don't think they're mean, just that they have sort of regressed to toddlerhood on the inside but have the bodies of teenagers. I think that is sort of freaking my 11 year old out and making her behave atrociously. I have been working on her baby/little girl scrapbook to combat my feelings of dislike. It helps me to look at pictures of her being sweet when she's hard to live with.

As for whether they're all lazy...I think the answer is yes! Fortunately it's not a permanent situation!

[KaraBoo]

Maybe she's just wanting a little extra attention? Is there some way you could do chores alongside her? or do something special, just the two of you?

[dylan]

Actually, they are not all like that, but often are working through infancy issues. Our developmental growth goes in a 12 year cycle, so around 11-12 kids are recycling prenatal and infancy stuff...often they are in the "being" stage and flip back and forth from wanting to be independent (11yr old) to wanting to do nothing, be cared for, have no responsiblities (prenate,baby).

Suffice it to say, just that dynamic is going to set the bells a ringin' internally, hard to hold both and verbalize any of it. And if there were issues that were imprinted at those ages, then they will be resurfacing again as well.

Combined with that, we have media and social expectations that lend themselves to expectations of lethargy and mediocrity - life of luxury. And for parents, it's hard to know how to establish expectations/boundaries without feeling - in our culture, today - mean and as if we are putting our children's self esteem at risk.

We want to encourage negotiation, expression of emotion, but as children become older, those turn into power struggles and a feeling of "omnipotence" - as if they are the center of the world and have a say in anything...put that together with recycling infancy and *poof* you have a child that at first glance looks lazy, mean and inconsiderate.

[Mama Dragon]

Not all I'm sure, but many are, including mine. She can be absolutely wonderful too but otherwise drives me, DH and her brothers, even my dad up the freaking wall. I've been giving her an allowance and taking money away if she refuses to do chores and it's been working like a charm. I don't overuse it, so she's not going to get to the point of not caring.

[hammycakes]

Almost 11 counts.

I have an evil almost 11 yo girl, too. It's just frustrating bc when she's good, shes VERY VERY Good! And fun! And then I get the devil! MMM I try to be supportive and understanding while remaining firm but sometimes I just have to tell her not to talk to me.

[RBinTEX]

OP, do you have my girl's lost twin living in your house?

[MillingNome]

Nah, they aren't all that way. It's an inbetween time though and that can make it so hard. I'd say just keep trying to bring out her better side. Maybe if she is feeling aggressive, she can do a sport or something. Or if she likes to argue, maybe she can sharpen her tongue by joining a debate team. Anything where you can try to turn a negative into a positive

[Ruthla]

Hmm. Let's see. My 12yo is a bit of a drama queen but extremely helpful with chores and whatnot. She was like that last year as well.

My 10.5yo doesn't like to help with chores and will run off and cry rather than help out if somebody looks at her funny or speaks to her in the wrong tone of voice. But she's been like that for years.

Both of them are very moody.

Interesting about that "revisiting infancy" stuff. It sure would explain a lot about my younger one's behavior and neediness. With babies only 16m apart, I wasn't fully "there" for her when she was an infant, nor was I particularly excited about the pregnancy. I don't think it fully dawned on me that I would have two live babies to take care of until after she was born!

[doctorjen]

My dd turned 12 today (about 25 minutes ago technically!) 11 was a darn hard age for all of us. I think a lot of it had to do with her developmental stage and all the issues she was working through herself. For a while she was so sarcastic and nasty to everyone around her I just wanted to cry half the time. Once, last year, I was watching her speak to a teacher about her robotics project, and it occurred to me that is was the first time I'd seen her speak in a while with a pleasant, non-sarcastic look on her face. It was a shock to think that I hadn't seen her looking happy for such a long while. Plus, she just frustrated me so. Her sarcasm and seeming disregard for the feelings of others in our family made me feel that I'd failed somehow to help her grow into a good person.

What really, really, really helped me was to see her behavior as just another development phase, like negativism from a toddler, or story telling in a preschooler, and treat it with the same compassion and understanding. I also went way out of my way to spend positive energy on her - asking her to watch movies with me, asking her about her music, the books she was reading, her friends, complimenting her hair, whatever. I told her I loved her as I often as I could remember. When she was sarcastic and nasty I thought in my head "she must be having such a rough day" and was able to respond with kindness. I wouldn't let her be cruel to her siblings or mean to me - I'd walk away if she was inappropriate, or direct her siblings away from her, but I stopped viewing her behavior as a personal affront and started viewing it as a developmental stage. I laughed off her sarcasm and poked gentle fun at myself when appropriate. I agreed with her about all the ways life is not fair (well, it isn't, is it.)
Shortly after my new resolve, she must have decided I was on her side after all, and before long, my happy, smart, funny daughter reappeared. Or she just got closer to 12 and the phase resolved itself - who knows? I'm thinking I still have several other phases to get through yet as she is only 12, but this one seems to have passed! We went out to supper to celebrate her birthday, and then watched her open her presents and laugh with her baby sister, and all in all, I rather like the kid!

[lab]

Well, I just had to chime in and say that my dd is 11 and is an absolute angel.

She will unload the dishwasher for no reason. I haven't taken the new puppy out to potty when my dd is home in months. She is a wonderful girl and I love being her mother. She truly appreciates how hard I work and I see that in her attitude towards me.

Having said that, I wonder if the main issue is more of a first born issue than a dd problem. My oldest is 13 and started some pain in a** problems at 11. He's a boy.