Attached Parents, but not Attached Partners?

[Mrs_Hos]

Not sure where to post this...so xposted!

I need some help/advice.
My dh and I are attached parents--very attached to our children and we LOVE that 'form' of childrearing.
I worry though that we don't feel the same attachment to eachother. Part of this is due to his job--military--and lots of deployments. Hard to stay attached when he is gone so much.
So I'm looking for ways to foster attachment in our relationship, without causing any disruption in our attachment with our kids. (ie I don't want to stop co-sleeping just so dh and I can have some alone time in bed.)
So..what do you guys do to create an attached feeling with your spouse/partner?
I'm so afraid of one day looking at eachother after the kids are gone and saying 'WHO ARE YOU??'
Thanks!

[KayasMama04]

my dh is in the military too and when things were working we would spend time together after dd wen to sleep...watch a movie, just talk, take a bath together, when he was gone he would call when he could, write often. We always talked in bed before we fell asleep and our best chats where in the bath while dd was sleeping.

[Linda on the move]

My DH travels nearly every week with his job, but he isn't military so we don't have deployements.

I think that it is important to carve out some time with your DH when he is home. When our kids were babies, we had our alone time during their naps on Sunday! It was really the only time in our week that we could focus on each other.

With our situation, we are able to talk on the phone everyday, even when we don't get to see each other. We both work to keep the conversations upbeat and to stay interested in the other person.

I think it is helpful to focus on what you really find wonderful and amazing about your spouse, and to be grateful for him and for the time you have together.

Also, your baby isn't always going to be a baby. While I do think it is great to do everything you can now to nurture your relationship with your spouse, it will get easier as your baby gets older. The baby years are short and you and your DH will have more time to enjoy each other long before your kids are actually out of the house.

[Mrs_Hos]

See...I've been focusing on kids all along--knowing that me and dh will 'make it' and will 'regroup' in the end after kids are in school. I'm ok with that...I do worry a bit that we may have 'grown apart'...
I think we will try and have at least one 'real date night' a month--a 2 hr break to focus on us.
I would love to do it weekly with a nap or something--we seem to have such a 'variable' week tho--he works 12 hrs a day on a rotating shift (military cop) and has to go in early/stay later to get/turn in weapons and do paperwork...so there is no 'every week on Sunday' type schedule we could do...
He is also in school full time...only one year left! I find myself proof reading papers and doing 'secretarial' work for him for that...we're both so busy it just worries me that we are letting time fly by!
I think if we can both work on the extra hugs and kisses, and kind words, we may be able to reattach...
I really appreciate your help, and I'm up for any extra suggestions!
Thanks!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Mrs_Hos

I would love to do it weekly with a nap or something--we seem to have such a 'variable' week tho--he works 12 hrs a day on a rotating shift (military cop) and has to go in early/stay later to get/turn in weapons and do paperwork...so there is no 'every week on Sunday' type schedule we could do...

I think you need to write down the schedule on a calendar and figure out when you are going to spend time focusing on each other and write it in -- even if this is time that you are going to spend together at home taking a bubble bath. Figure out when you can spend time just with each other and then make it happen.

You are listing all the reasons that you can't and why things won't work for you -- you need to focus on what you CAN do.

I think that couples who go through tough things together can use those challanges to either grow strong or grow apart and that which one happens really boils down to our attitude about the situation.

[Peony]

: subbing for ideas, I need some tips as well, DH and I have grown apart during the last year, between remodeling a house, pg, moving, having a new baby, and a very lengthy battle with pertussis, I feel like I don't know him anymore. DH always has some project to work on at night for work, there just isn't enough time in the day.


Hi Bobbi.

[fek&fuzz]

Originally Posted by Mrs_Hos

See...I've been focusing on kids all along--knowing that me and dh will 'make it' and will 'regroup' in the end after kids are in school. I'm ok with that...I do worry a bit that we may have 'grown apart'...
<snip>

I think that's a risky assumption. You need regroup every day, at least every week. You never know when you might not get the chance to. Waiting until the kids are in school is way too long.

If you can't do "every week on Sunday" do "every week on [whatever day works for both of you]".

talk to him about wanting to make more purposeful time together, as well as sprinkling in hugs and kisses here and there. Is there a space for you to go at night (a couch, other bedroom) after the little one is asleep to be alone for a while?

[EnviroBecca]

Have you tried writing each other letters or little notes? I was just thinking about that as a way to convey some of my feelings to my partner, because our son is talking enough now that he tends to interrupt our conversations, and lately he's had an annoying habit of waking up just when we were going to spend some special time together! : So I am planning a love letter for Valentine's Day. The nice thing about letters is that you can keep them and read them over and over again. Also, when you're writing a letter you can think about exactly what you want to say and get the phrasing just right. Sometimes you even can say things you wouldn't say out loud because you'd feel silly or get too emotional. If you feel too busy or scattered for a long letter, something you could do (for Valentine's Day!) is cut out a bunch of red paper hearts, write on each one a different thing you love about him, and hide them in his stuff so he comes across them unexpectedly.

Also, one thing I do when I'm feeling like my kid has taken all my energy away from my partner is to remind myself that my partner is there in my kid: I watch him and see Daddy's features, Daddy's gestures, Daddy's habits, and remember that in making a person together we've actually become closer than ever.

[theatermom]

Don't wait! Disconnecting w/your spouse can happen sooo fast, especially when there is outside stress. The whole family deserves and benefits from strongly attached partners.

Is it possible to meet for lunch once a week? Or even a couple of times a month? Dh and I did this while we were going through a particularly rough time, and it made a huge difference. During a different time, when he was finishing up his dissertation, he couldn't really come home for dinner, so the boys and I brought dinner to him. We met him at a park, or picked him up and went to a park, had dinner (usually something homemade), and talked while the boys played.

Are there any chores that you're currently doing separately that you could do together? Do you get up at the same time? Dh gets up at 6am, and while I can't get up quite that early (I'm a night owl, and ds#3 nurses a lot at night), I try to get up by 6:30 a few times a week so that we can do Pilates together and just chat while the boys sleep.

I agree w/others who say to look at your and dp's schedule and find every available space to reconnect.

GL!