DS is extra emotional, what do I do?

[adamsfam07]

My ds is 9 yrs old extremely intelligent and funny, just an all around great kid. My only concern is that he is extremely tender hearted and will cry at a drop of a hat, he has always been this way. He gets upset for such little things like, he wanted cinnamon rolls for breakfast but we're all out or he can't find a toy. I just don't know what to do : I don't want him to hide his feeling about things or tell him it's not okay to cry but I am so worried that he is going to start getting picked on at school about it. He had a couple of kids last year call him a cry baby and I felt so bad for him. My dh tells him that he needs to toughen up, but what does that mean, how is he suppose to do that? Anyone else ds go through this and what did you do? Did he just grow out of it? Help please!

[dylan]

Oh, that just seems like a tough one! I don't have a son, but I have often thought about this issue if I did have one.

Usually my perspective is that if a child cries so easily there's pent up sadness that is being triggered by anything...but I'm not getting that sense in this case...but satisfy my curiosity anyway - did he experience trauma at birth, or was he separated from you for a long time? Has he had any major loss very early? Anything you were really sad or anxious about while you were pregnant with him - death of a loved one, financial stress, unexpected pregnancy...anything?

But it seems you have raised him to be comfortable with his emotions and he is simply really sensitive. I would talk to him about the culture, and how although at home it's a safe place to cry and let it all out, he might want to consider choosing where he does that. It's totally his choice, and you'll support whatever he wants, but your concern is that so many other kids (not just boys, my dd is like this too) don't understand, or have been taught differently, and you don't want to see him get hurt. And then give him options on what to do instead...can he journal (a successful alternative for my dd) or make an arrangement with the teacher that he can be excused to go to the bathroom or something? Maybe just having the cognitive awareness of what some others may feel/do can help him either make different choices or find ways to cope if teasing does happen.

I really understand your dilemma....nobody wants to see their kids hurt unnessisarily, esp. about something like this which is so good and real and important.

And my guess is that you dh feels the way he does b/c he wasn't allowed to cry and it makes him uncomfortable to see his son do so so easily. Hugs to all of you!

[Jazzmin]

My 9yo DS is going through the exact same thing. His emotions are becoming volatile. He crys over dinner, or not playing the game he wants. He has been in three tiffs during gym class in the past six weeks.

I try to remind him to breath deep when he is upset. Then I ask him what was the problem, and is it really worth it to spend so much energy on something trivial. Obviously, if he is upset over a friend and not just what is for dinner we try and talk things out.

I am worried that as he begins puberty his emotions will be even harder for him to deal with. I have taken him to a therapist, who seems to think he has anxiety. I enrolled him in a yoga class, but he didn't like it because it was too slow. I took him to the Y so we could start running together- he liked that one a bit more.

As for DH, mine has the "toughen up" mentality too. Poor DH grew up in a house where men/boys showen absolutely no emotions other than anger. DH says he wants to DH to be more emotionally secure and open, but his actions say otherwise. What can you do other than urge DH to be more sensitive to DS's emotions.

This is a tough spot for sure. There is nothing worse than seeing your kids unhappy and feeling like there is nothing you can do that will make it better.

[tri31]

My children are older now. I went through the same things with my dd and ss. I can relate, my daughter used to cry herself sick. It's hard on everyone. Hang in there. They are learning to relate. Things got better as they matured.

[adamsfam07]

Thank you mommas for the feedback. To answer some of the questions, yes he has had some "issues" as a small child, my dh and I had a couple of rough years and there was a lot of fighting and yelling, while I tried not to argue in front of him, my dh didn't hold back. My dh was raised in a very abusive home by his father, he wasn't allowed to cry or show much emotion, so I know he is having a difficult time and now sure what to do when ds cries. I have thought about therapy but then what do I tell him when he asks why we're going to see a doctor, because there's nothing wrong with him. I have told him that it's okay to cry at home and explained that kids can be mean about this type of thing. He is learning to get some control over it, but I'm just at a loss of what else to do for him. Thanks again moms for your help.

[superjen]

wow, are we mothering the same child?

my son just turned 10 and is very emotional as well. with him, i think it's part nature and part past-trauma. we have been through a lot in our little family.

my partner (who has step-fathering for 2 years now) is of the opinion that ds needs to toughen up. he does though, leave these kinds of parenting philosophy issues to me, and is starting to come around to the way i handle my son and his emotions.

things i have done:
- changed my son's school (as bullying was becoming a huge problem and the school was not addressing it) from regular public to a small alternative hippie school
- continued to allow co-sleeping as ds wants to
- given him the tools of deep breathing, meditation, and basic yoga
- changed his diet, removing almost all sugars and processed foods
- increased supplements - iron, vitamins, greens
- learned and practice as a family "conflict resolution" skills
- taken ds to therapy, both family and individual - this helped him sort out his feelings regarding past trauma, but also gave him a wonderful relationship with his counsellor who he now will see "once in a while, to say hi"
- realized that he has inherited my anxiety and committed myself 110% to supporting him in learning to work with his worries and fears (i have had severe anxiety since the age of 5 but it was not diagnosed til i was 31 and it hugely impacted my life)

i really feel for you, mama. it's so hard watching our children struggle with their emotions like this. i know you can find a way to support him and help him find what he needs. good luck!

[RBinTEX]

I remember both my sons doing the same thing around 3rd or 4th grade. My husband said "Toughen up boy!" more times than I could count. Actually, it did not get worse. When real puberty hit, the tears did not fall so much. Just hang in there, give him a hug when he is sad, and don't worry about it. I think it's pretty common.

[adamsfam07]

Thank you all so very much for your thoughts. I was at a complete loss of what to do and sometimes I thought I had really "messed him up". But knowing that other mommas out there have experienced the same thing with their ds is kinda comforting. I have thought of therapy, just someone to talk to, and I have suggested the deep breathing and relaxation but he just laughs at me. I'm trying to make my dh understand that emotions are not something our ds can just switch off, but he was raised in a completely different household than I was, so hopefully he will come around soon. Thanks again mommas

[greenhaven]

My older son is not super-emotional, but moreso than average, i think. he is 16, now, and naturally does not cry very often. But he does get angry rather easily, so I feel it is a sort of substitute emotion! Anyway, I had the same intital thought about your son as Jazzmin:

Originally Posted by Jazzmin

I try to remind him to breath deep when he is upset. Then I ask him what was the problem, and is it really worth it to spend so much energy on something trivial.

Try to avoid trivializing his emotions, because he IS obviously upset about some things, even if you think he shouldn't be so much. The aim for me would be to help him identify, like Jazzmin said, the things that are truly worth spending the energy on. Help him differentiate between the Big Deals and Not-So-Big-Deals. But doing it in a way that doesn't invalidate his reactions is a real trick! Maybe start by asking him if he feels the same amount of emotion about, for instance, being teased versus being out of cinnamon rolls.

[smillerhouse]

My son is deeply emotonal, he is now 16. I think it is important to accept and nurture those intense feelings. I fwll my son stufffs his feeling some with food but I really try to accept them He is very imaginative and creative. I try to acknowledge his feelings.I think deeply caring guys are important and speical and very uncultrual. He cares more about pepoe than the tradtional foucs on winning and competition. I try to encourage and support all levels of feeling. Sallie

[adamsfam07]

It's been a little while since I checked this post but I wanted to thank you mommas for the input. I am very proud of the fact that he isn't afraid to show his feelings and emotions, too many boys these days are taught that they shouldn't. And I know that he is growing up a thoughtful, caring individual, but sometimes I just don't know what to do. But I guess that's true of everyone huh? We've been doing the breathing thing, that helps a little and I've suggested meditation but he just thinks I'm goofy Anyway, moms thanks again for the help, it's nice to know I haven't screwed my kid up somehow and that it's going to be okay.