Working this backwards... any info, advise, etc???

[scrappingmom]

I know most people have to go thru searching for either an agency and or birthmother, lawyers etc. Well, I had a pregnant teenager, she attached herself to me as my buddy when she was about 3 and i've kinda been a big sister/mothery like person/confidant etc etc for her most of her life. She told me she is preg, hasnt told anyone else yet though, i'm going to go with her to tell her parents(i'm scared, can only imagine how she feels) .. Anyway, she is VERY well aware she cant provide for a child and is in no way prepared to be a mother , she wants to give the baby up but(she was adopted too) she is afraid the child will be placed in a bad home like she was. She is due the same day I am and asked if there was a chance we might adopt her baby.

I'm trying to look into the logistics of doing this. Obviously as far as caring and such it would be no worse than if i had twins myself,.. KWIM?!

I've heard of cases where the adopting parents names are simply put on the birth certificate and the parental rights signed over immediately. I'm just not sure if those were "legal" cases or not and stuff like that.

Has anyone heard of a situation like this or maybe anyone who is "in the thick of it" with adoption, might you know a source that would be useful for this? i've looked at alot of the sources here and none are really very helpful for the specific case

thanks for any info!!!

BTW I live in Maine if that helps.

[mamarhu]

No personal experience here, but the most consistant thing I have heard from folks is to use a lawyer, particularly one familiar with adoption law. I don't want to discourage you, but it is hard to say what all might come up in future years, and it really helps to have things spelled out clearly.

As scary as the details might seem (2 babies, my-oh-my!), this sounds like it could be a great solution for everyone. Does she want to participate in raising the baby, even if you are the legal parent? Have you thought about the details of visiting and contact?

[Tigerchild]

You MUST do this legally, if you want to have rights to the child.

There's not a way to get around using the legal system. Yes, after a legal adoption, you do get a birth certificate with you and your partner's names on it. If the adoption is arranged before birth, the time period to get the amended birth certificate is hardly longer than it would take you to get a certified copy of any other birth certificate (depending on the state). IF the birthmother lies and puts your husband as the father, then that makes him liable for child support even if she changes her mind and decides to parent the child herself. And I'm not really sure how you would pass her off as you without fraud, which is probably a felony.

However, if the birthmother is amenable to this, and you have a family law attorney, it shouldn't be complicated. You do not need an adoption agency.

The other consideration that you might have is whether or not you wish to have your relationship with this young woman changed. It's one thing to talk about adoption without doing it, but your relationship *will* change after the adoption. She may need to distance herself from you to cope. You may have unexpected anxiety or fears about her that you don't anticipate. It can be uncomfortable to mix roles. It may mean the end of the friendship. (Of course, it can also strengthen it too).

I echo what others have said, in that while I don't believe in any state adoptive parents are legally responsible for upholding promises to the birthparents as far as involvement/information is concerned, it would be the ethical, compassionate, and kind thing to spell it out in your agreement. (If your family law attorney doesn't help or offer to structure this, get a new one.)

This could be a very good situation for everyone involved. But you do need to involve the legal system for *everyone's* protection and to make sure that it stay a good situation. And you still need to prepare yourself for triad issues that may arise. So it might not be a bad idea to look into prospective adoptive parenting classes given by groups or agencies, even if you're not planning on using them--because you are so intimately involved in the birthparent's life (maybe you could go to them together? Or encourage her to attend some geared towards birthparents), and you love her, you want to make sure that both of you are equipped and informed, and ready to support each other.

[Sarahbunny]

I woudl strongly advise against just putting your name on the birth certificate. It's that kind of thing, imo, that would easily be heard about in the media in 5 years if something went wrong as it would not be a legal adoption. But, going about a normal adoption procedure wouldn't be too hard with a designated placement!

There are certain states where a openness agreement is legally enforceable. In fact, many states allow that but that isn't to say that you HAVE to do it that way in each state. MN allows a legally enforceable agreement with regards to communication, but you don't need to have it legalized if you and the birthparent agree not to. Ours isn't legalized, but I think that is because C and I (and DH) all had a high degree of trust. That being said, we offered to legalize it. However, if you don't follow that agreement, the adoption is NOT null and void, which is what some people think. Rather, the most common consequence is going to mediation.

This is all what I understand from discussions with our agency and extensive personal research, btw. So check it out with a adoption agency or adoption attorney in your area!

You would need to have a homestudy done - I believe the only adoptions that are allowed without a homestudy would be a relative one. A homestudy isn't a big deal, so nothing to be scared of.

Good luck though...pretty exciting to think about!

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by scrappingmom

I've heard of cases where the adopting parents names are simply put on the birth certificate and the parental rights signed over immediately.

More from me at another time, regarding your larger questions, as I am at work right now and quite tied up...just wanted to say that maybe you have misunderstood the order of things.

In adoptions, depending on the state, parents can sign their relinquishment papers right away, and sometimes there is an appeal period of some length of time (such as 30 days). But in either case, once the legal work is complete, the child receives a new birth certificate. This one has the adoptive parents' names on it as the parents.

(Of course, I strongly advise that if you go forward and do adopt, you keep a copy of the child's first certificate, as s/he may want to have that one as well...the birthparents are indeed the parents the child was born to, the child's first parents. And many adoptees have grown up to feel that the change of certificates=lie. But that is part of a whole other conversation about educating yourself around the ethical issues involved in adoption.)

Here is a site that has information on each state's adoption laws...http://laws.adoption.com/

[Momma Aimee]

I would just go to a family lawyer and ask how to do it -- it will still have to go thogh the coursts to be legal -- but

I do know that she can -- at least in KS she could -- "give up parental rights" to only you and your DH (I worked at a goup home there and one of our foster daughters 'gave up rights" to the foster mom so the fostre mom could adopt her child -- the birth mom "gave up right" but not as a blanket thing, it was done so specifically that mom and dad could adopt, not anyone else).

I would jsut find a good family lawyer -- meet with him or her and find out what to do. The birth mom will need a lawery (or GAL -- gaurdian before the court is she is under 18) too -- and I think it has to be someone different thany YOU though can be in the same office.

Aimee