Daddy's little girl grows up

[AngieB]

This is my first post on this board. My oldest dd is 8 1/2 and I'm realizing that the pre-teens is upon us. I'm doing ok with it but dh on the other hand isn't dealing well with the idea of his little girl growing up .

Some examples: I brought home some books about her changing body and getting a period for us (her and I) to look through because I wasn't sure how to start the conversations. I showed Dh the books and he freaked out, wanted to know why she need books like that she was to young, blah, blah, blah.. you get the idea.

We (dh and I) were watching TV on night and a add came on about the new VAX young girls can get to pevent cervical cancer. I mentioned to him that we would need to decide if dd would get the vax. He was fine we talked a little about it and then I made the mistake of saying that it prevented the type of cancer caused by STD's. He shut down. Would not respond to anything else I was saying. Finally I asked what his problem was and he said there was no point in talking about it, she wouldn't need the vax because she was not going to be having sex. I'll add that We meet when I was 15 and married when I was 18, I'm sure you get my point.

I'm feeling like maybe I should handle all the growing-up/sex issues with dd because he just can't handle it, and we have 3 girls so he'll have to deal with this 3 times. He's told me a few time he's very thankful to at least have one DS.

So how is everyone elses DH handling their daughters growing up and have you as the mom just shouldered the tough issues on your own?

[Mama Dragon]

I'll be the first to say, do not get that vaccine. Please, please, please go to the vax forum and research it. Pap smears are a far more effective way of preventing abnormal cell growth/cancer then a vaccine.

Past that, I know the feeling. DH spazzed when DD got her first period. It was funny. (not in front of her, just to me)

[trinity6232000]

Awwww, I do feel bad for the dad's when their girls start becoming young women. Maybe as
time continues it will become more comfortable for him to except with each dd. My ex and I
were talking once (about what I have no idea) and he completely flipped out. He got so scared
and worried, then started repeating "I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it".
I tried calmly and quietly to tell him we didn't have to worry about dd for some time, because
she is only 3/4 and he had a lot of time to get used to the fact that dd will be dating, and etc.
Hedidn't want to discuss it, and he looked like he was going to cry.
I later told him that one of the reasons I felt he was so scared is that his own teen years were
not so innocent, and he is afraid of dd dating guys like he was. He said that was exactly one of
the reasons he was scared (not saying this is an issue for your dh). I feel for the Dad's.

PS I agree to Synthea™'s advice to not get the vaccine for PPD. I'm really worried about the
future ramifications of that vaccine.

[Brazilianmommy]

DH freaks out, of the thought of DD1 and DD2 getting their first period, he freaks out of the thought of them dating, he freaks out that they will get married and then have sex, or just of the fact that they will have sex one day, freaks him out.
And they're just 20mths, and 1 mth old lol

[2much2luv]

Poor guy. My girls are 6.5, 5, 3 and in utero so I'm not sure yet how my dh will handle this stuff. I look forward to teasing him about it though!

[JustJamie]

While I'm not going to tell you NOT to get the vaccine, because I think that's a highly personal choice, I would suggest you talk to someone who has had it.

My cousin (who is 13) just had the vaccine, and apparently it is a horrible, painful shot that hurts for days afterwards at the injection site. It's very thick and syrupy.

More on topic, my DD is only 18 months, but my DH is already freaking out about her growing up.

[Arduinna]

My dh had a bit of the uncomfortable, she is going to be locked in her room till she is 30 jokes (not exactly that, it's just an analogy) but as soon as I shared my happiness of her growing up and talking about her dating and and future adulthood in a calm way he mirrored it back and we have never had a repeat.

In our case I feel it was just him reflecting what he thought was the expected attitude about such things by a father after seeing it so much in our culture and on the media and from his friends.

I'm glad he learned differently. Her growing up is something we welcome as normal and natural and nothing to be feared. Of course I did model that to him

btw, our dd is 17

[UUMom]

When did an 8 yr old become a preteen??

I must be getting old. An 8 yr old is little. That's like second grade...all the kids I know of that age barely have all their teeth.

[AngieB]

You're right I don't quite think of her as preteen yet but it's coming up on us very fast, and topics like periods and changing bodies are coming up.

[Mama Dragon]

I consider 9-12 preteen, I think you're right on talking about this stuff now.

[UUMom]

Talking about life is good. My dds knew about periods etc at a very young age, way before 7 or younger, but talking is one thing.

I don't think an 8 yr old is a preteen. That is all.

[2tadpoles]

I think of pre-teens as in the 10-12 range, but I have boys, so maybe that's why.

I totally think that 8yo girls should know about things like periods. My mom was ten when she started. I was 11, as were most of my friends. I can only imagine how scary it would be to experience menarche and have not a clue what it is. :

[lolar2]

It is pretty common for girls' breasts to start budding at 9, and sometimes other manifestations of puberty (including first period) start then too. So 8 1/2 is only slightly ahead of time, just enough to serve fair warning in fact. Even if she herself doesn't develop until later, many of her peers will be starting any second and it's good for her to know what's going on with them.

[ThreeBeans]

I got pubic hair at 8, breast buds at nine, and my first cycle at 11.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by 2tadpoles

I think of pre-teens as in the 10-12 range, but I have boys, so maybe that's why.

naw I have a 17 year old girl and I see 10 as the preteen cut off myself.

[UnschoolnMa]

I think of 10-12 as pre teen. 8 and 9 year olds are "bigger kids" depending....

[oldcrunchymom]

My almost-9 year old still dresses, talks, and acts like a little girl. But I've seen other girls her age act much more "mature." So I guess it depends on the individual and family history. Even my official "pre-teen" is still quite kid-like. Their little hormones haven't started racing around yet.

[Shanna2007]

My dh has always been uncomfortable talking about that, he leaves the room when dd and I start talking about it (she hasn't started yet).

Shan

[Amber Lion]

IMHO it's really important for Dad not to show disgust or embarrasment or any other negative emotion about his daughter growing up, especially menarche. This can have a big impact on whether or not she views her body as something to hide, be ashamed of, or that it's all around not ok. I can remember my Mom being pretty supportive, but my Dad was NOT. We were not allowed to talk about our periods in front of him because it made him uncomfortable - to the extent that we had to lie if we were having cramps and he asked us what was wrong; we were not allowed to use "his" bathroom to change menstrual products, or to dispose of them in any trashcan other than one specific one that he avoided like the plague.

I acknowledge that this is probably an extreme case, but the fact remains that there is enough negativity associated with our bodies in the world that we should be safe from it in our families. This extends to things like dating too in that if it's obvious Dad is negative about it, she might decide to hide her relationships from him. (I did)

I would hope that Dads would make an effort to either work through their own issues about these topics, or at least to make sure their daughters do not feel they must hide their growing bodies/lives from them. Even something as harmless seeming as leaving the room everytime the topic is mentioned may have a negative impact.

Just something to think about...

[mommy68]

I think age 8 is young to start talking a whole lot about periods. I'd probably wait til age 10 with my own child unless there is some reason she may get her period very early or she seems just very mature for her age.

I agree that it's best if dad doesn't show any type of surprise or regret when she is talking about adult matters. It may embarrass her or make her feel bad about herself and we all know that young girls don't need to feel that way at home. They already sometimes feel that way outside the home a lot. Home is where they need to feel they can talk to mom & dad about anything and very openly.