Do you ever feel completely out of your depth? (a bit long) X posted

[oliversmum2000]

My 6 yo constantly has me feeling this way.

He constantly argues about everything all the time, for example last night at bedtime it was

having a bath - he did not have one
having a shower - he eventually did have one (as he went swimming that morning and his skin is bothered by chlorine if he doesnt shower in the evening after)
using soap in the shower (which he enetually did)
putting his pj's on after the shower (he insisted he was going to wear his day clothes to bed)

and when i say argue i mean screaming fit, in fact every request or anything dh and i say is met with completely opposition. his behaviour is making the entire family miserable as he spends so much time screaming and shouting and arguing it makes happy family life impossible sometimes.

this morning he came downstairs and started arguing to watch more tv, he had already watched a whole film, he argued that he wouldnt eat breakfast with the family and would not wait literally 3 minutes while i dished up the panckaes, he screamed and argued about tv, about getting dressed, about absolutely everything i can think of, from the moment he came downstairs he was shouting and crying and being miserable about something, and kept switching what he was upset about to somethng new.

and then suddenly he will snap out of it like somebody flicked a switch inside him.

i have absoutely no idea what to di with him, he seems to purposely ask for or demand things he cannot have or talk to us in a way we do not like in order to get some sort of reaction from us. when we do not react to his behaviour he will just shout louder and louder and cry more and more until we respond in an angry way. all the empathy, distraction, and patience in the world gets me absolutely nowehere.

it is like there is an underlying problem but how the heck do i find out what it is?

it may be tiredness as he really has a hard time settling to sleep at night and has trouble slowing down enough to get to sleep. and then wakes up reasonably early in the morning. this may also be mixed with the fact that he is very bright (he is 6 but with the reading age of a 8 or 9 year old and is able to do the same sort of maths as 8 - 9 year olds)

so - what do i do??? and please tell me i am not the only one who ever feels completely out their depth parenting their child.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Wow... I have absolutely no advice for you but I'll be watching this thread. My bf's daughter is a lot like that and it is making me beyond crabby. Good luck! I hope someone on this board has some helpful suggestions.

[mowilli3]

Is he getting enough physical activity and time outdoors? I really don't know the answer to your question because there are so many possibilities ranging from dietary changes to getting a psychological assessment. I would just suggest starting with something simple like getting outside and playing with him and of course taking a look at the rest of the family dynamics esp. between you and DH. GL

[mom22girls]

Oh, yeah - I'm with you, and I have a 5 year old that is taking my parenting techniques (like offering choices) and throwing back in my face with an evil twist: Mama, you can either give me a cookie now, or I will wake you up all night with screaming and yelling. Where did she get this threat thing from?? I don't threaten like that!!!!

Honestly, some days I'm too exhausted (and I'm pg) to be the good mother, and do all the right techniques. I really want to scream (but I don't) "just, for once, do what you're told!!!" I now just walk away and try to ignore, because I cannot think of ANYTHING else to do!!!!


Hugs to you mama!

[lesley&grace]

Wow, you could be describing US in the past year. We dealt with this sort of behaviour and it got so bad at one point I started to seriously consider getting out (my boy is my step-son, for about another couple of months...then I am adopting him)because not only was I trying to deal with these behaviours, but it was causing issues between my husband and I and his family was intervening inapporpriately so there were so many stress factors adding to the issue, but I knew that it wasn't a real solution...this is my child and I was determined to help him.
I went to my doctor after a particularly stressful Easter dinner where he intentionally hurt his then 1 year old sister. She gave me a number for the local children's hospital and they set us up with the Family Help Program. Telephone assessment was done and we went through an 11 week program with a counsellar (phone appts) and went through a learning process and a behaviour guidance program. It made a difference, but we were still having issues at school, and his teacher was really on us about it. So finally I requested that his dr send us to a specialist for assessment. He sent us on to an AWESOME pediatrician, and we did an assessment...turns out he has ADHD. More emphasis on Attention rather than Hyperactivity. We started him on meds, along with continuing with the BG program (which we later found out was designed for children with ADHD)...and the change has been incredible. We still have moments where we are frustrated, we still have times when he gets out of control and we feel overwhelmed....but we have more tools at our disposal to use and help all of us through the crisis. The biggest change? Aside from him really being able to focus at school (he's very bright, but has challenges with sitting and focusing on a task) he is able to really articulate his emotion and has a lot more self-control. He is able to tell what is going on, and we are able to talk things through with him with greater success, whereas before he would completely melt-down and even the slightest upset would turn into a massive screaming, kicking and flipping out session.
I am not at all saying that your child has the exact issue. I am saying it sounds familiar. I recommend you talk to your family doc and get a referral to see a specialist. You won't know if there is an underlying issue until you have an assessment done.
Good luck Mama, I know this is not easy.

[frenchie]

Originally Posted by lesley&grace

I am not at all saying that your child has the exact issue. I am saying it sounds familiar. I recommend you talk to your family doc and get a referral to see a specialist. You won't know if there is an underlying issue until you have an assessment done.
Good luck Mama, I know this is not easy.

[Roar]

I agree it may be worth pursuing this with your doctor especially to talk about sleep, diet and possible sensory problems.

The other thing that occurs to me in the meantime is that I'd work on having as much predictability and structure and routine as possible in your day so it is as predictable as possible for him. Make plans early in the day and tell him ahead of time what to expect. Schedule things he enjoys after things he doesn't "as soon as you are done with the shower, let's play cards" or whatever.

[oliversmum2000]

he has never slept well

i agree that exercise or lack of it may be a factor, as he would rather sit and read than play physically, so i really think we need to make sure he gets more physical activities, as i am sure that this would be a much better way for him to spend his energy. i think that it would also have a positive effect on his sleeping if he is more tired when he goes to bed.

he is not like this all day, just first thing in the morning, bedtime, when he gets home from school, it seems to be mostly when he is hungry or at a transitional time.

i guess if i work on the amount of exercise he has, plus work hard on making bedtime very soothing, plus ensuring he doesnt get hungry and making sure he has balanced snacks (he is a bit of a carbs junky and will insist on eating lots of bread right before dinner, this causes problems too when i say no) that all this may help, as well as making a note of his problem times and trying to divert problems before they happen.

thank you all, i just needed to get this out before getting some perspective, thank you for listening.

[WuWei]

Check out this thread, "Help Please Behaviour problems": http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

Or this one about children who are "more", more spirited, more challenging, more intense, more passionate, more strong-willed: "My Challenge, My Love": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=328627

There is a lot of help and btdt suggestions and sympathy, especially the second which is over a year long.

Pat

[Surfacing]

I am sitting here reading, alternately crying from relief and joy and amazement... parenting has been so much more challenging than I ever imagined it to be... to my very, very core... it's such a relief to read that others feel the same way at time (okay, LOTS of times). Thanks for the links, Pat. You always have such great resources. Siiiigh....so much reading to do....better get back at it....i'm so grateful for these discussions...

[AsYouWish]

Please consider the gut-brain connection. There is some info about this in the health and healing forum. I am just now figuring out my own issues when it comes to leaky gut and my emotions/behavior, and I am almost 30 years old. I wish, wish, wish when I was a child that my parents could have known about the connection between intestinal health and behavior. We all would have been a lot happier! The carb-craving, the sleep issues, the lack of interest in physical activities (lethargy), the behavior issues associated with sudden hunger....this is all very familiar to me.

There are a lot of resources listed in the Healing the Gut Cheat Sheet:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=434071

Best of luck to you!

[Mizelenius]

Yes, my DD can be like this. It was hard for everyone in the family. We tried a reward method and it worked, so now I know she CAN not have those constant meltdowns. It even improved her time she is at school, which is a bonus because I didn't expect it to carry over. (We did not tie the reward to any time at school.)

My DD is like your DS-- she would much rather sit and read (or other sitting play) for long periods of time vs. run around. Now that it is winter and horrible out it is hard to find ways of helping her get exercise even more. Though she is overall vastly different since the reward thing (which we aren't doing anymore), she has her days, but we can always trace them back to being really overtired (we've been doing a lot of birthday celebrating lately!) and/or not enough physical outlets. The physical thing is hard right now. I am trying to have her go up and down stairs herself to get things she wants, use a little bouncy ball thing to jump on, etc. (just little things). At school she almost always gets some sort of physical exercise, but that is only 3Xs a week for about 20 minutes. I read that children need 60 minutes daily, and we are nowhere close to that.

[Max'sMama]

that sounds very frustrating. One thing that I noticed (and I don't have a child over 3 yet) with my own son is when he watches TV on a regular basis, he is a bear. My dh used to get him ready in the morning and their tradition was to watch about 20 minutes of PBS. I noticed after about a month of that that the tv time in the AM was affecting his mood the entire day. About a week after we cut out TV, except for the rare treat of tv, his moods shifted dramatically, yes he is still spirited, but parts are more manageable without the tv in his life.

[arwenevenstar]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

My 6 yo constantly has me feeling this way.

He constantly argues about everything all the time, for example last night at bedtime it was

having a bath - he did not have one
having a shower - he eventually did have one (as he went swimming that morning and his skin is bothered by chlorine if he doesnt shower in the evening after)
using soap in the shower (which he enetually did)
putting his pj's on after the shower (he insisted he was going to wear his day clothes to bed)

and when i say argue i mean screaming fit, in fact every request or anything dh and i say is met with completely opposition. his behaviour is making the entire family miserable as he spends so much time screaming and shouting and arguing it makes happy family life impossible sometimes.

this morning he came downstairs and started arguing to watch more tv, he had already watched a whole film, he argued that he wouldnt eat breakfast with the family and would not wait literally 3 minutes while i dished up the panckaes, he screamed and argued about tv, about getting dressed, about absolutely everything i can think of, from the moment he came downstairs he was shouting and crying and being miserable about something, and kept switching what he was upset about to somethng new.

and then suddenly he will snap out of it like somebody flicked a switch inside him.

i have absoutely no idea what to di with him, he seems to purposely ask for or demand things he cannot have or talk to us in a way we do not like in order to get some sort of reaction from us. when we do not react to his behaviour he will just shout louder and louder and cry more and more until we respond in an angry way. all the empathy, distraction, and patience in the world gets me absolutely nowehere.

it is like there is an underlying problem but how the heck do i find out what it is?

it may be tiredness as he really has a hard time settling to sleep at night and has trouble slowing down enough to get to sleep. and then wakes up reasonably early in the morning. this may also be mixed with the fact that he is very bright (he is 6 but with the reading age of a 8 or 9 year old and is able to do the same sort of maths as 8 - 9 year olds)

so - what do i do??? and please tell me i am not the only one who ever feels completely out their depth parenting their child.

We have really similar issues with our six year old, like yours he is bright, always has his nose in a book, still can't ride a bike without stabilizers, doesn't always get off to sleep early and wakes really early etc. He is similar to me in a way. I have a horrid disposition when I am hungry, I have to eat small and often, so perhaps you could try some kind of diet change, immediate drink or something on waking before you ask him to get dressed. maybe a small snack before bed?

I find with my son that he loves "alone" time with me, so we started doing stuff like journalling together and stamp collecting. I try to devote at least an hour each day of the weekend entirely to him whilst his siblings are being entertained with daddy.

The other thing I try with him more than perhaps the other two, who tend to be more "amenable" if that is fair? is to actually let things go more often. If he wants to sleep in dressing up clothes........the argument that comes with it is worse than just letting him do it. Sometimes I think that bright kids do find it harder to communicate, as their words and brains seem to be one step ahead of their emotions. I wonder if this is similar with girls ?

Anyway, no concrete advice here just some more ideas to try........watching what others say though!!

[krizzanne]

one more idea, in regards to excercise: When you go out with him, let him choose to do whatever he wants, and you follow his lead, completely. For example: say, ' I have 2 hours to go outside with you, what do you want to do?, and then do it. If he wants to play catch, go to a park, explore in the woods, climb a tree, say OK and do it without ANY verbal guidance. Show him you trust him and value his wants, specifically during this time.

[4evermom]

If you have the energy, you could make bread with ground almonds (substitute 1/4 flour with ground almonds. You can grind them in a coffee grinder) and a little oil to have a lower carb food available for when he is demanding bread before dinner. Even cookies can be a better food choice than plain bread for keeping an even blood sugar. You can make cookies with oil instead of butter, cut the sugar by 1/4 to 1/3, add ground nuts and ground flaxseed. The fat from the oil and nuts and the protein from the nuts prevents the sugar from causing a blood sugar spike.

I like to find ways to say "yes" more to ds so preparing foods this way is one thing I do to feel better about letting him make his own food choices.

[Magella]

I have a 7 year old who is just MORE everything, who falls apart at the smallest provocation, who can be very challenging to parent. Two books have been particularly helpful for my family. One is Sleepless In America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep? Lots of great information on sleep and how to gently help your child get more and better sleep. The other is The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children-this one has been absolutely, hands-down, the most helpful book I've ever read, just understanding my child differently has allowed us to parent so much more effectively.