Fear of Dying

[mom0810]

Hi moms,

I started the Zoloft again yesterday, but I wanted to know if any other moms have a fear of dying that you can't get over. I never used to think about it before, but now that I have this beautiful little guy that depends on me, I just can't bear the thought of something happening to take me away from him. Is this common? It seems I have a new thing to focus on every week, last week (and now) I am afraid that I got hantavirus from cleaning up mouse poop and now something awful could happen to me. The week before that, it was something else, and the week before that, something else.

The only time I did not feel like this was the 6 weeks I took Zoloft, and even if I did have thoughts like this, I realized that it would not be my fault if something happened, and I could sort of let the thought go. Not now. I think about it all day, every day. Anyone have any experience with this? I seem to remember this subject coming up, but I don't remember for sure. Is this a symptom of depression? Anxiety? OCD? I've been told I have all three. Yikes. I just want to be a great mom to my son, and it's kind of hard with all the awful things I keep thinking.

Thanks.

[boopie2001]

i just wanted to let you know you are not alone....

i have these feelings along with fear of others dying. i am 23 weeks pregnant with twins. i am going to talk with my doctor today.

[asherah]

Fear of dying and/or hypochondria ARE common aspects of depression and anxiety.

I have struggled with both, and I know how awful it is.
The meds should help.

Other things that helped me:
Really, really taking care of my health, knowing I was doing the best I could to take care of myself. Doing things like meditating/yoga that helped me get in touch with my body.

Cognative therapy techniques include: writing down your fears, then ranking how realistic they are, and what you might do about them.

Distracting yourself by noticing and writing down everything about an ordinary object. Sounds weird, but it re-programs your brain and stops the circular thoughts.

It also helps me to ponder the gift I have given the universe in the form of my child. I have done my part-now I simply have to trust the universe. What will be will be. If I die young, my child WILL survive. Others will step forward to care for him. He will find his way. And every day, every day is a blessing. A chance for me to give him the best of myself. And even if I died today, while he is only 4 1/2.... well, he might not remember the details of ME.. but he'd still carry the love I gave him, the foundation I laid for him. And knowing that is enough.

Every day is icing on the cake at this point. There are no guarantees. I brought this being into the universe, and I have done my best to create a strong foundation for him. Everyday is an investment in that foundation. So I take each day for the blessing it is and I let go of the rest. There is no reason to fear death. It comes to each of us when and how it comes. It is the door to the great mystery. It means I will either go on to the next adventure.. or it means I will no longer have any worries. Either way is okay. Every day brings small deaths, small ways of letting go. Death is just the big letting go. There is nothing to fear. All I can do is live with as much love as I can, and trust. And let go.

It does help me to look at my child and remind myself of all this.

[lunchbox]

I can definitely relate. I had terrible anxiety PP with both of my kids. I was sure I was dying of some disease. I went to the doctor endlessly, confidient that I had non-Hodgkins lymphoma, a heart problem, cirrhosis, a bowel obstruction, and on and on. Every time I had a twinge or ache or pain, I would touch it, run to the computer and look to see what organ was there or what disease it could be.

I was sure that each breath would be my last. I was afraid to sleep for fear that I would die in my sleep. I was sure the wheels were falling off my car. This last time, I couldn't leave the house for 4 weeks because I would have panic attacks constantly.

Its a terrible, terrible feeling. And then to have to take care of kids on top of it all. Ugh. Anxiety is scary.

I take Zoloft for it. It takes about 4-6 weeks for the meds to kick in for me, and it makes my anxiety a lot worse for a while. I keep a couple Ativan on hand in case I need them. (For me having panic attacks while I was out with my kids was very scary. I was afraid I would collapse and my kids would end up in foster care. That was a big reason I ended up staying home for 4 weeks.)

I find that fresh air and exercise can help too. Rescue Remedy is also great to have on hand.

Feel free to PM me any time. I've dealt with anxiety all my life.

[conflictedmama]

There is hope!

My dh struggled with health anxieties for years. A headache was never a headache -- it was a brain tumor. When he'd work out on the treadmill and get winded, he thought something was wrong with his heart. He had really invasive procedures done and was constantly going to the doctor to get his heart "checked". It was horrible.

BUT he is doing much better now. He can manage his symptoms better. Meds. have really helped him.

[ChasingPeace]

Fear of dying, and having panic attacks due to this fear, have definitely been hallmark symptoms of my ppd. The meds do help with the panic attacks (I take zoloft), but I still have the fear.

[Gabbi]

I would like to say that you are a beautiful, strong woman for voicing your fears and reaching out for advise or help.
Having a child is just simply life changing isn't it? The birth of a babe creates so much joy..and yet it also can generate so much worry and fear.
I don't know what words I can give you that can literally reach you....touch your heart and help you to heal. Sometimes words seem so shallow. But I will say I have been where you are. The difference in you and I was when those fears/feelings happened to me..it was about 15 years ago and my "male" OB GYN kept telling me to "get a breather and take a hot bath"....: I could have stayed in a hot bath..the feelings didn't go away on their own. There is so much more help out there now then there was then..I just simply thought I was crazy..easy as that.
I think it's great you have talked to a Dr. and maybe can get a little help (I am assuming you have talked to a doc since you are taking some meds to help). The support you can get from other moms can be a great source of strength for you as well. Talk. Find someone to talk to, someone to listen. You will make it through. I don't know you and I have confidence and faith in your power.
Child birth/bearing is extremely hard on our bodies..physically and emotionally. You just find a friend and hang on to them mama.
You PM me anytime.
Many hugs and best wishes coming up your way.

Tammy

[ekblad9]

I definately had lots of those kinds of thoughts when I had PPD. I still occasionally think about it but it's not at all like it was. I do think it's *somewhat* normal b/c when you have kids the thought of you dieing and leaving them with dad or another caregiver is very stressful. But I used to think about it all the time and that is not normal.

[kgurrl]

Fear of Dying

I have 3 kids (8g, 4b, 18mth b). When I was a teenager I was diagnosed as some sort of manic and then told I was apparently "all better". After the birth of my daughter I experienced some ppd. I had a very rough time with the pregnancy of my second child (not so much physically as emotionally) and in the year after I had him. I was told I had anxiety disorder then and put on celexa and lorazapam, then zoloft. I had chest and back pains, constant fatigue, sure I was dying all the time, unable to breathe, heart racing and palpatating, the works. When I was on celexa I lost even more weight (I am under 100 lbs at my best) leaving eighty-some pounds. I slept all the time and although it put off the anxiety attacks, I felt like I wasn't "feeling" at all. So they put me on Zoloft. This seemed like a good drug. I was functioning again and able to be calm and positive, but I still wasn't myself and I still wasn't feeling. To me, not feeling anything is scarier than feeling bad so I stopped taking them. I was determined to beat this thing without a pill, and I did! I went OUTSIDE. I gardened, I exercised, walked, took the kids to the park, AND I did what the nurse at the hospital advised me. She told me I could live like a hermit all my life or I could force myself into situations that made me uncomfortable. So I started going to Wal-Mart again (lol). Anyway, in time it worked. I haven't had an anxiety attack in about 3 years. When I had my youngest, the nurses told me it was ppd that I had with my second. After the birth of my youngest I felt great! I had energy, I felt positive, and it was my first great experience with pregnancy and childbirth (no pills required). A few months after I had him, a family member and her young son drove into a canel and drowned. It has taken me the past year and a half to get past the fear of dying and of driving that I developed from this, but I've come a long way. I wish all of you the best. If you feel the pills are helping you by all means, I say use them. Just remember, they are not a cure. Use them until you find a better solution and one day no longer need them. Congrats to all of you on the births of your children too!

[teachma]

I am here with you. I am sad to hear that so many of you suffer the way I do. I am in the middle of a major health crisis right now (though, of course, as has been my history, all medical tests thus far are coming back normal). The last major episode of hypochondria that I suffered lasted about 8 months in 2000-2001. It started shortly after I gave birth to my first child. It is sounding like a commoon post partum issue. Truthfully, I as doing really well for a really long time (no meds) but it started up in December for me again, and I am miserable. It is so hard to tease out the genuine physical symptoms of from the anxiety; I never know which symptoms to pursue and which to write off as totally crappy but anxiety-caused. I am thinking that if I finish the next roun of medical testing (bloodwork was today, one more dr's visit March 2nd) then I will look into medicine for the ocd/hypochondria stuff.