|Originally posted by mami2f3
thanks for your response.
with regard to the cake thing, it wasn't that he woudln't eat dinner that bugged us, it was his continued obsession with the cake. it's so hard to deal with his escalation when he wants something. how should i have enforced this first idea with a calmer outcome?
I definitely understand this - ds gets completely obsessed about things like this, as well. I try to put a positive spin on it and consider that this sort of fixation/perseverance will likely serve him well later on
It's a mind trick (because it irks me to no end - as do any of his "less than desirable" behaviors that I just happen to share
: ) but it tends to work.
How do you put the situation to him? Is it in the form of, "No, you cannot have cake until you finish your dinner?" If so, I've found that a shift to more positive language has really helped us (as in, "Sure, you can have some cake right after you eat some dinner!"). Also, do you involve him in the dinner-making process? The selections and even perhaps the preparation? I think it will help to put some control back into his hands - with my own ds I find that the more I micromanage him the more resistant he becomes. If I let go and give him the opportunity to make his own decisions (within the boundaries of how we've defined acceptability, I mean - it's a pretty loose standard in our house, but we do have certain ground rules), he feels empowered (and, just as importantly, *is* empowered) and we all get along much better!
|i really see what you mean about the "sorry" part. i guess i feel pressure to have him say sorry to other kids when he hits them and so it seems like we need to teach him to do it early, but i really agree with you that he should say it because he feels it and not as a quick fix for getting out of something. when are they ready to uderstand that?
I think they just get it when they get it. Ds is pretty compassionate and so he has gotten it pretty early. But he's gotten it because we've modeled it - I think this is the most important element. If he would hit another child or grab something away we would tell the child (in front of him) that we were sorry that had happened (if we were - occasionally I really wasn't so I didn't - for instance, if the child had just grabbed the toy away from him). We've also just modeled sympathy and understanding toward him (both physically and verbally) and others and it seems to have taken hold over time. Occasionally he will now say he's sorry if he does something that has hurt me (physically or emotionally) - and sometimes he won't, which is fine, too....
I know there is a lot
of pressure to have the perfect child who is always polite and gentle - but, IMO, it's more important to help guide a child to a true understanding of right and wrong and compassion than to pressure him/her to act a certain way under false pretenses just to keep in line with social niceties. I live in a city of adults who were likely raised as such - it's really no fun
I really would recommend those two books - and also "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. They are all fantastic and should be available at your local library - or check out half.com for cheaper prices (this is where I found mine). You're obviously an extremely loving, caring mama - I think these books can really help make your lives easier...