Ineffective in modifying behavior..give me your insight

[cutekid]

Hello everyone,
Lately I feel like I have been ineffective in correcting my DS's behavior. (for lack of better description) My DS is 2.5 and is testing every possible limit with me.

There are a few things he does that needs to stop. I am clueless about what to do. I have tried explaining, and tried time-out..which turned into a joke for him.

We live right next to a 4 lane highway, with traffic moving 45 mph. We just moved here and i have told my DS time and time agian not to run from me in the yard. I know that he wouldn't run into the road, since he talks about not going into the road, and how he has to hold my hand to cross the street. But still, his darting away from me in the yard is a bit nerve wrecking.

Then there's the issue of throwing. He knows not to throw. Why do I know it, because he'll repremand other child for throwing, yet he still throws things. Esspecially if its something he's not supposed ot have. He notorious for throwing things he grabs.

I don't know what to do about these things. I usually can come up with some pretty creative ways to distract, or redirect, but this is insane. I really need him to listen to me..esspecially when we are in the yard.

[swampangel]

We had the throwing issue as well. What we did was remind ds that there are toys for throwing but other toys aren't meant for that and can hurt someone or break something if thrown. If he threw said object, we would say "oh, it seems like you don't want to play with that right now...we'll put it up for now and bring it down when you want to play with it". or something like that to gently say that whatever it was isn't for throwing. Or we might say "looks like you want to throw something! let's go outside with a ball" or "let's get that soft soccer ball and toss it around a bit in the basement".

As for the running off, this is a major safety issue. Depending on what kind of time you have and what your schedule allows, you might suggest that you go to a park if he wants to run but that running off from the yard isn't safe. You could bring him back inside and either play inside or head to a playground where it's safe for him to run.

[ErinB]

My daughter is the same...

Sorry I don't have any magic answers for you, but I wanted to let you know I am in the same boat. My daughter is a little older than your son (she's 2.75 yrs old) and she does the same things. Just when I thought she was getting better about not darting away, she ran off at the zoo this past week, and my husband lost sight of her in the crowds. She also loves to throw toys.... Perhaps it's the age. I'm hoping that it is just a phase and that she will outgrow it with some repeated guidance. But I know how frustrating it can be when you've told her for the zillionth time not to throw hard toys.

Anyway, here is what we do: 1)For the running away issue, we "practice" staying close to Mommy and Daddy as much as possible. I usually explain to her that I am going to let her walk with us, but that she has to stay close. Then I show her how far away "close by" is. I tell her that if she runs off, then she will have to go back into the stroller, shopping cart, etc. If she does run off, I do just that. Then later, I ask her if she is ready to try staying close to us again and let her walk with us. I find that often she is much better at staying close when she has already lost the privilege once. 2)For the toy throwing issue, I simply explain to her that she cannot throw toys in the house, because someone might get hurt. I try to show her what she can throw, like a soft ball into a basket on the floor, or dirty clothes into the laundry basket. She is still throwing things on a daily basis, so I'm not sure how effective this approach is.

[LynnS6]

I'm going to sound harsh but for the running I see two options:
1. Don't go out into the yard until you get a fence of some sort strung up that will keep him from getting into the street. He's 2 1/2. You don't know for sure he won't go in the street. 2 1/2 year olds do random stupid things. I know, I've got one.
2. The minute he runs from you, pick him up and take him in the house.

Frankly, I'd see if you can play in the back yard or away from the street. If he bolts, then he gets carried, or a harness or a stroller. This is a life and death situation.

As for the throwing, I'm going to suggest the opposite. What's the danger when he throws? How can you mitigate it? Our ds spent an entire year, waking up, takingn out all of his puzzles and throwing then pieces across the floor. No idea why, but he did. Every day.

So, we set up rules about throwing. Small light things coudl be thrown. Heavy things, no. Nothing could be thrown at people or it would go in 'toy time out' for a few minutes.

We gave him a laundry basket to throw things into and got some nerf balls. He oiutgrew it eventually.

[cutekid]

Maybe I should explain in a little more detail. My DS usually bolts away from me while I am carrying in groceries.

I like the rule about going back inside while we are playing, since right now we don't have a fence. We are planning on it, but we have to get landlord approval.

I will try some of the ideas for throwing. The danger in throwing is that someting could get knocked over or broken. Or like the time he took the mayonaise and threw from his dad. Mayo went all over the floor. :/

Denise

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by cutekid

Maybe I should explain in a little more detail. My DS usually bolts away from me while I am carrying in groceries.

Denise

can you keep him in his carseat until groceries are unloaded? I keep my older daughter in the carseat until I get the baby out...she used to get really mad because she wanted to be first but I couldn't risk her darting away while I was unhooking the baby and getting her out. You will have to make several trips.

Or if there is someone in the house you take little one into the house with them until you get the groceries.

and the throwing...set up a throwing game somewhere so he can get it out of his system. I think it's a phase..my dd did it for awhile and I was at a playgroup and a little boy around 2 threw a ball at me and nearly clobbered me. I told his mom to run, not walk to the nearest little league...but she slapped his fingers: I mean balls are for throwing...so it was perfectly understandable and reasonable for him to throw it.

[cutekid]

I am going to try leaving him in his carseat. I'd rather deal with the temporary crying than chasing him around the car with my hands full. Sometimes i can get him to take something light inside, but not always.

Also, I have been inspired to make a bean bag tossing game.

Denise

[MindfulBirth]

Originally Posted by cutekid

I am going to try leaving him in his carseat. I'd rather deal with the temporary crying than chasing him around the car with my hands full. Sometimes i can get him to take something light inside, but not always.

I used to do the opposite...take my dd in and get my her interested in a game or something and THEN bring the groceries in. Yes, sometimes your groceries sit in the trunk of car for an hour or so (obviously, you can be a little more leisurely in the winter than summer) while you get settled in to being back home.

[kylesmama]

we have just been dealing with this as well, except a parking lot instead of busy highway near our home. He was especially good at running away fast when I was 9 mos pregnant - uggh! what has worked for us & we have had an easier time with this is discussing that we are going to go straight to the car, or in the house, or into store. we can play / see interesting thing / jump in puddle / go in snow once we get to our destination, or later after we bring groceries in, etc. we, like you, have also discussed how cars can't see him & he needs to right by my side or he could get hurt, etc. I find that if I give him a constant obvious reminder each & every time we make a transition it helps. When it is possible I try to let him linger / look / play if we are able...this way it's not such a mad dash.

Now that I have a baby to get situated also I have him pick 2 things to bring with us & showed him where to play with his toys while I get her strapped in etc. This seems to help him from running, he now likes to put his toys in the snow, or next to a tree, or look under rocks, etc.

I also bring ds in first and get him engaged in an activity before I bring groceries in from the car. Sometimes just the perishables get brought in until dh gets home.

[DevaMajka]

What works for us is to give acceptable alternatives that honor the original impulse.
For example, ds recently had a hitting phase, which was SUPER hard on me. I started out responding kinda harshly. I'd say "no! Don't hit me, I don't like it, it hurts", etc etc blah blah. I even walked away a few times (because it would NOT have been good if I'd stayed). Needless to say, none of that fixed it.
What helped was to figure out the REAL reason behind the hitting. It took a few times of me being as patient as a could about the hitting. I realized that he was hitting because he wanted to interact with me (he was bored, or wanted me to play, or wanted my attention, or whatever).
So I told him "If you want to play with me, say 'play a game with me'"
And that was pretty much it. I reminded him once or twice, and since then I've seen him make a concentrated effort to use that phrase.

I really find that honoring the impulse, and helping dc find acceptable ways of expressing those impulses, is the best way to stop unacceptable behaviors.

[Hera]

I'm finding Patty Wipfler to be really helpful lately. She has some good ideas for how to set limits gently and respectfully. http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

[Piglet68]

I have a 2.5 yr old as well as a DD who was that age not long ago.

What you describe is totally age-appropriate. I don't think you should be trying to modify these behaviours b/c you really can't. And doing things like bringing him inside is just punitive - he can't control his impulses at this age so it's just unfair to him and unpleasant for you.

Instead you need to be proactive. Don't let him outside unless you are willing to shadow him and work on getting that fence ASAP or maybe buy some baby gates and make a large pen of sorts. Leave him strapped in while you bring in groceries or take him inside first then do it. Always plan ahead so that you don't put him in potentially dangerous situations. You simply cannot count on his cooperating in his own safety.

Same with throwing. I'm very careful not to leave breakables within DS's reach or I am close by when there are. It's a pain, yes, but it too shall pass!

These behaviours are just normal phases and they will pass, you don't need to do anything to try and stop them. You can and should talk to him about why running in the street or throwing things is not okay, but do this in an "FYI" sort of way so that as he develops more self-control he'll be better able to adapt his behaviours to suit the "rules", so to speak.

At this age it is like having a hyperactive dog - it is your responsibility to create an environment that is safe and allows them to "just be". You can't blame them for being what they are (at least your son will grow out of this soon, unlike the hyper dog, lol).