Books/suggestions on helping teens gain a world view....sorry, long

[MelMel]

I have temporary guardianship of my niece, who is 14. Poor attitude, 'bad' in school...etc, etc. It had blown up at home, with her mother, who seemed to only fuel it...so I have her here with me and my family.

So she has been here a few months, and its starting again. She has been in the school since the beggining of January, and constantly complains about the math teacher. Today her principal calls me because she 'had' to give Carly an in school suspension for the next 2 days. She had an outburst and was disrespectful to the teacher. Now, I don't argue that teachers or all authority are automatically right...it's a terrible injustice the way some of these adults treat kids. Carly didn't have her book or homework or anything, so she didn't even do her part, though. You can't come back at someone when you don't even have your stuff straight. I tell her all this (have in the past) That there are jerks in the world....her job is to learn how to deal with all different types of people amicably (sp?). And the #1 thing is you have to be together before you can help yourself or anyone else.

Anyway...I am trying different techniques with her. I am tired of talking, I honestly think she is thinking of her new lipgloss or what new pics of her ass or chest to put on her MySpace. I will not take away privilages, that only seems to further back her into the 'adults are against me and I must fight them' mentality.

I think she really needs a better 'world view' if that makes any sense. She has amazing entitlement that overshadows reality at times. I want for her to find something outside herself to be concerned about. My dh and I have always said that if we ever felt we were losing our kids, we would do something drastic....rent out the house and go to Haiti or India or Romania for 6 months or so....show them the world and how most people have so much more to overcome. We are not rich or privilaged (well, besides being white...I mean that we are low-educated and live simply) people anyway, we live very small and try to always be mindful of our actions....we discuss these issues alot, I had hoped just being with us would help my niece snap out of her self-centered and beauty-centered mindset.

I was hoping to pick up some books for her to read, light teen books but ones that still would teach her something about the world, or what it really means to be opressed and disrespected. I was also thinking of some volunteer opportunities, maybe with the mentally challenged.

I am so afraid that she will realize all this too late. She may even have to go back home if she can't improve here, and I know that is a great stress to her. The sad thing is that all she ever talks about are things she knows we will let her do that her mother won't (get a piercing, get a license and car when she is 16 if she works, get her contacts, braces, etc) So I sorta feel like she is just using us. She gets upset when I talk about her going home, and says she loves it here and we can't send her back there...and I don't want too because I know how mean my sister is....but I don't know if I can derail her train so late in the game.

I totally don't relate since when I was her age I did care about others, and greater issues (I didn't do much about it, though ) it was her mom that just cared about her make-up, how hot she was, and having all the guys....and who got pregnant and married at 17 (divorced at 22) and has struggled ever since. Young moms are fine, I tell her this, but you have to have your sh&%# straight before you can take care of anyone else....you need to have your own base to fall back on. She sees her mom who is 32 with 3 kids and a jerk 2nd husband she can't leave because she doesnt even have her license, no car, no money, and lives 5 states away from her family.

Anyway, since picking up and moving is not an option....how do I help this kid get some perspective??

[panamama]

wow melmel. to you for taking your neice on and trying to help. i have a teen and am going through similar things, although he is a boy. it's frustrating to say the least. i don't have any book suggestions and am actually hoping others do so i can get some advice on this thread too! a friend just gave me a book called "the secret" (rhonda byrne, editor) w/ a note saying she hoped it helped both me and the boy, but i haven't started it yet, so i don't know.

as for the larger/better world view, maybe start small with your neice? i know just taking my son to help feed the homeless or something similar always opens his eyes. unfortunately, it only lasts so long before he's back to his entitled behaviours and such, but it does help some. i also require him to read the newspaper (even if it's online) or watch a current events/public access program once week. believe it or not, he sometimes enjoys those. HTH.

[Cruella_DeVille]

I don't know of any books but I don't believe a book would do it ... as the old adage goes, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I've recently been reading up on raising successful children (as people not as in having material possessions ) by Dr. Sears and a lot of the pointers have hit home with me. Just from your post, maybe she needs to feel connected? To learn some empathy and such. How you go about creating a connection now I don't know. Perhaps using any opportunity as a teaching moment, you know, start on the how would you feel if fill-in-the-blank happened to you? And keep the convo going, let her mull it all over after that without bugging her but leaving the lines open for anything that she needs to ask about or to clarify or whatever.

Maybe to help teach empathy you and she should do some volunteer work together ... maybe at a shelter, food pantry, hospital, somewhere where the seed can be planted?


Well, for what it's worth there's my 2 cents and I hope things get better for you and, especially, her.

[smillerhouse]

I do alot of girl scout focused books with my duaghter, nearly 14 -Studio 2 B books are very female centered with positive values. (GirlScouts.org) I find books that have teen saying how it is help. How about OUr Bodies Ourselves? I think real and positve info is essential. It is amzing how much they really don't know. I hve 100 things to know when dating, Odd girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks out, Nobody's Perfect. The Daughter's Inc. website has a lot of poistive articles. Other books include Love,Sex, and God, The Greatness of Girls, Gutsy Girls-Young Women who Dare, Be true to YOurself, and Gutsy Girls-YOung Women who Dare. Sallie

[pranamama]

I have a a 16 yr old. Nothing much has been resolved and I wish there was more to do than wait out the stressful time.

[hammycakes]

I had a book a long time about called Kids are Worth It- teaching your child the gift of inner discipline, by Barbara Coloroso. I can't recall if it specifically dealt with teens but her main thrust seemed to be about developing mutual respect and responsibility within the family. I'm ordering another copy now from amazon. Good luck with your neice MelMel.. it may be that she follows in her mama's footsteps no matter what you do. Don't blame yourself and just try to love yourself and her.

[atristin]

I really relate to what you are experiencing, MelMel. My stepdaughter came to live with her father and me a few years ago, and I have grappled with a lot of the issues you described.
The sense of entitlement you mentioned is something my dsd has in spades, and it used to make me so frustrated. But a therapist who I consulted made an interesting point. He said that it is really common for people who have experienced trauma to feel that the whole world owes them something. In my dsd's case, she had a hellish childhood with her mother, and now that she is away from that situation, she expects us to cater to her every whim. It makes some sense: the world (and her dad) did nothing to intervene and protect her from such a bad childhood with her mom, so now the world (and her dad, and me) should be making it up to her. She of course doesn't see it in these terms herself, but the original trauma largely drives the way she relates to other people now.
If your niece has had to leave her life with her mother, I have to imagine that she had a pretty traumatic childhood. And making the adjustment to a new living situation, no matter how great you and your family are, is a big deal for a kid. So much of her behavior and worldview are colored by the experiences she has already had with her mother.
The way my therapist suggested dealing with the entitlement issue was to use a loving, but realistic, response. To take one example from dealing with my dsd when she demanded that we send her on a cruise with her best friend (?!): "We would love to be able to do something like that--you deserve it. But there's just no way we can afford that." It sends the message that you are tuned in to her desires and needs, and you want the best for her, but there are limits to what you can provide.
As for book suggestions, I read a fiction book for young adults recently called "A Little Piece of Ground." It's an amazing book written from the perspective of a teen in Palestine, who is a normal teen in many respects (obsessed with soccer, worried about school and girls), but who must also contend with the violence and poverty that surround him. It's very moving, but also really easy to relate to. You can get it at www.haymarketbooks.com for $10.
Unfortunately, my dsd refuses to read a single thing we buy or borrow for her, but that's where she's at. Better luck with your niece!
And other people have said this, but you are doing a really wonderful thing by taking your niece in and providing her with a loving, stable situation. Best wishes.

[mamarhu]

I don't know if any of this will apply, so take it with a grain or 3 of salt, but here goes...

I think one of the tasks of this stage (teenage) is to start to take the future seriously. As a child, kids are asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", but it rarely has much direct effect on their lives. Now, the question takes on some weight, and the teen is in a place to start taking action in some direction.

ElderSon went through a similar stage, when nothing was quite good enough. I think it was part of the transition from "others ought to provide for me" (child) to " I am responsible for my own life/happiness/whatever" (adult). What helped him was to talk and plan seriously about the future. Questions like: where do you want to be in 5, 10 years? How do you want to get there? The point was not really whether he followed through with those particular plans and dreams. They changed monthly anyway. It was more to start looking at what facets of his life he had the power to change/control. For example, if you want to get into a good college, your high school grades may be important. If you plan to join the military, a diploma may matter, but perhaps passing is good enough. If you are going to be a woodcarver maybe high school isn't important, and an apprenticeship would be the best path. Maybe work experience in a field related to the goals would be a way of testing a career goal.

I guess where I am going with this, is that it might be rough to try to see the bigger picture of the world's problems when one feels powerless in one's own life. How could your neice gain some control over her own life - and I mean major decisions beyond what shade of lipstick or what body part to get pierced! - to give her a sense of effectiveness in the world? For me, that would go a long way toward taking an interest in the larger world. I don't really think volunteer activities or books that you choose would change her outlook until she feels competant and effective in her own life.

My favorite teen-related book is The Teenage Liberation Handbook, by Grace Llewellyn. You may want to read it yourself before giving it to her. I don't know how it would apply in a situation where you are not the parent, perhaps don't have full decision making rights. But some of the attitudes and ideas might be helpful. It is however, pretty radical.

I wish you all the best. She is lucky to have you.

[Justmee]

Just wanted to offer a

I used to teach teens in a group home, adn the book 7 habits of highly effective teens is pretty good. No, they didn't sit and read it by themselves and change overnight, but most of them like it quite a bit and I could see they were trying to apply some of the principles. They also had a lot of stories of teens in there (it's been a few years so I don't remember all the details).

[Blue Dragonfly]

Glad to hear your neice is still with you. You sound very loving and grounding and just what she needs.

As an aside, my best-friend was reminded that her teenagers are acting out with her, because they feel safe with her.

You might consider this a little much, but my shop teacher had us watch Gandhi when I was in grade 8 (he was the only East Indian in town, and I imagine it must have been awful for him). That movie really changed my life and opened my eyes to the world.

It is pretty violent though, and hard to watch, but there are many other movies out there (Inconvienient Truth, the Corporation) that are interesting and provide a world view that she might not be aware of. I know a lot of people who have traumatic childhoods (I don't know if hers was or not, but it can't have been easy) go on to heal themselves through healing something in the wider community.

It also might be easier to rope her into a two hour movie rather than a 8 hour book?

Best of luck!