Venting about 11-year-old boy - don't know where this should go.

[Storm Bride]

I just need to vent.

I know an 11-year-old boy and I'm really worried about him. He just got suspended from school for one day (no biggie). He's expected to stay home tomorrow and work on an overdue Social Studies (geography & history combined) project that his mom didn't even know about. It's overdue. He hasn't been doing his homework in any classes. He's a mess - just an absolute mess. The suspension was because he told his French teacher to "f**k off". The Vice-Principal and school counsellor have told him mom that this is a crisis situation and he needs help. I'm SO frustrated.

1) The mom is in total denial. She's looking for every kind of "reason" for his mental state that she can think of. She comes up with bizarre theories about single incidents in his childhood all the time, and thinks they explain everything. She can't understand why he's unhappy. How about - he has one friend, who will be moving onto high school in September - his parents (mom and stepdad) split up last January - his mom has been insulting him and criticizing him since he was a baby - his home is full of yelling and fighting and the tv is always on - etc., etc., etc.?

2) I can't point any of these things out, because she is truly in denial. She doesn't remember ever putting him down, and can't comprehend what's wrong. She's always looking for a punishment that will work, but isn't looking for why he's behaving this way.

3) He won't shower. She says they're doing well if he showers once a week.

4) He doesn't wash his clothes.

5) He's overweight, and has very obvious (to everyone but his mom) emotional issues about food.

6) He told his Vice-Principal that he wishes he were dead. (His mom insists he's not depressed, though - "just" unhappy.)

I can't even articulate all the reasons why I'm so concerned about this boy. I'm just frustrated because I can't do anything. I want to beat her over the head with a stick and say, "look - you've treated him like an evil child, and blamed all your problems on him since he was a baby - what the hell do you expect?" But...I've tried in the past. She just gets pissed off and says it never happened...

*sigh*
Thanks for letting me vent.

[stirringleaf]

he is going into high school at age 12?


i dont know what to tell you though , i couldnt read and not post. if you care about the kid maybe you could form a relationship with him? FWIW my sister got kicked out of school for being high maintanance and having alot of anger issues as a kid and went to a special school for anger management and she is now 29 and doing just fine. she might have higher stress levels at times than other people but she is a mom of 4 kids and is an LPN and in my opinion doing really well. i think she got the help she needed back then. maybe there is a school like that where you are. maybe you can find an anger management specialist, a school councillor, ANYONE that you could write or talk to that could help this kid? telliing people that he wishes he were dead is a really strong indicator of serious depression.

[wemoon]

That sucks that this is going on. Sorry that you have to try to deal with this Are you a teacher?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by stirringleaf

he is going into high school at age 12?

No - his friend is one year older, and will be starting high school in September. He'll be either 13, or almost 13 (not sure when his birthday is). Our school system has K-7, then 8-12.

i dont know what to tell you though , i couldnt read and not post. if you care about the kid maybe you could form a relationship with him? ...

you can find an anger management specialist, a school councillor, ANYONE that you could write or talk to that could help this kid? telliing people that he wishes he were dead is a really strong indicator of serious depression.

I have a relationship with him. He's a great kid, and I enjoy having him around. He's just got a lot of emotional issues, and I'm about 95% sure that he is depressed. His mom just got a referral to a family therapy group that are apparently amazing, but they have a one month wait list. She had filled out the permission slip for him to see the school counsellor this year, but he told the counsellor that he doesn't want to talk to her, anymore. He also told his mom that he doesn't want to go to high school at all. He's always talking about having lots of money when he's older and doing all these crazy things (staying in hotels and living on junk food and stuff). If anyone asks him how he's going to spend his time, he just says he'll play video games, and "doesn't know" where he'll get money....

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by wemoon

That sucks that this is going on. Sorry that you have to try to deal with this Are you a teacher?

No. He's a relative.

[stirringleaf]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

No - his friend is one year older, and will be starting high school in September. He'll be either 13, or almost 13 (not sure when his birthday is). Our school system has K-7, then 8-12.



I have a relationship with him. He's a great kid, and I enjoy having him around. He's just got a lot of emotional issues, and I'm about 95% sure that he is depressed. His mom just got a referral to a family therapy group that are apparently amazing, but they have a one month wait list. She had filled out the permission slip for him to see the school counsellor this year, but he told the counsellor that he doesn't want to talk to her, anymore. He also told his mom that he doesn't want to go to high school at all. He's always talking about having lots of money when he's older and doing all these crazy things (staying in hotels and living on junk food and stuff). If anyone asks him how he's going to spend his time, he just says he'll play video games, and "doesn't know" where he'll get money....

that sounds like my brother at that age. he is a mover now. like moves things for a moving company. he makes a good salary and is constantly being given stuff by his clients. he has furnished his house with these gifts. i htink my brother is super smart and wish he would have finished high school, but he didnt. i wish he would get his GED and go to college, but he wont. its sad, but at the same time my brother seems ok about it. he has enough money to live on like he said he would. i do think you should definatly try to keep this kid in school, but also just try to remember that at his age being asked what he is going to do when he grows up is really abstract and might be putting even more pressure in a way he cant handle. i would concentrate on finding something that gets him motivated now, like ok if it is video games is there some kind of club where he can learn how to *design* games and get his computer skills going? i dont know but it really remeinds me of my childhood friends and my siblings so thats why i am responding.

[stirringleaf]

ps what i meant to say by talking about my brother is maybe there IS a way for this kid to have that lifestyle! you always hear of those computer animators for movies saying simlar things, that they feel like all they do for a living is play ..... i dont know that kid but maybe if he is taught about positive visualization he will work to achieve that goal. getting him moving toward anything at all might help him see what he really wants.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by stirringleaf

that sounds like my brother at that age. he is a mover now. like moves things for a moving company. he makes a good salary and is constantly being given stuff by his clients. he has furnished his house with these gifts.

My dad, brother and BIL are all movers. I grew up in a house furnished the same way. My ex-husband also moved and dh did so (for my brother's company) while looking for a job in his field.

i htink my brother is super smart and wish he would have finished high school, but he didnt. i wish he would get his GED and go to college, but he wont. its sad, but at the same time my brother seems ok about it. he has enough money to live on like he said he would.

My dad also did well until retirement...and the fact that he's broke now has a lot to do with his drinking and gambling and nothing to do with his earnings while working. He loved his job - really and truly loved it.

i do think you should definatly try to keep this kid in school, but also just try to remember that at his age being asked what he is going to do when he grows up is really abstract and might be putting even more pressure in a way he cant handle. i would concentrate on finding something that gets him motivated now, like ok if it is video games is there some kind of club where he can learn how to *design* games and get his computer skills going? i dont know but it really remeinds me of my childhood friends and my siblings so thats why i am responding.

I know it's too abstract. We've only asked once or twice. But, even for an 11-year-old, his ideas about "what he's going to do when he grows up" are...strange and unrealistic.

I don't think the school he's in right now has anything like that, but the high school he'll be going to has some neat multi-media programs and animation and stuff. They might have something that interests him. Honestly - right now, I'm not as worried about his education as I am about his survival. I think he's in a very, very bad place.

[wemoon]

I'm not sure what to say about all this, but he is lucky to have you to care about his well-being. Can you spend more time with him?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by wemoon

I'm not sure what to say about all this, but he is lucky to have you to care about his well-being. Can you spend more time with him?

I'm working on that. He and ds1 used to be really good friends, which I think was really good for this boy. But, ds1 is at a different school now, and they don't hang out as much as they used to. I think I may see if he can come over this weekend again...

Right now, his little brother is having his weekly playdate with dd. When I called to see if I could pick the boy up from school today, his mom said, "I love it when you take him. He's really my problem child and things are so much better here when he's not around." *sigh*

Sometimes, I wish I didn't care so much.

[majazama]

I think he needs someone to talk to, wheather its a councillor, you, his friends, whatever. He needs to know that he can get out of his pain somehow.

I was a brat at 11-12. I was suspended from school a lot, and would annoy the teacher to no end. My parents had separated, and I lived w/ my mom, and she was really stressed, and me and my bro fought all the time. I know now that what would have helped me at that time would have been a counsillor.

I also had just one close friend, and it was not good, in the end, as she totally betrayed me years later.

that's my 2 cents.

[Storm Bride]

majazama: I agree with you. He needs to talk. Unfortunately, I have a feeling there's some very complicated stuff going on. (I know this boy very well - our families lived in the same house from the time he was 2.5 until he was 6.5, and he goes on vacation with us every year and things like that.) I think he has a lot of really serious issues with his mom, but he's also...loyal? I don't know if you've ever come across the phenomenon of a guy (it's mostly been guys, ime) who have a really messed up mom and the relationship is crap...and they worship the ground she walks on. That's part of what's going on here. I think he spends a lot of energy denying his own reality, because he just can't quite believe that his beloved mom has really treated him as badly as she has...while at the same time, he almost hates her. It's a mess.

He's hitting puberty and all the hormonal stuff has set him off - but he's always had major emotional issues (I once showed up at school - kindergarten or first grade - to walk him home. When I got there, he had a huge fit - throwing his backpack around and stuff. I couldn't figure it out at first, because we were very close. It turned out that he was angry because he was going to have to walk home, instead of his mom sending a cab for him.) He's eaten himself sick on at least three occasions that I know of. These are all incidents from his childhood, so it's not like this is just a manifestation of the things going on right now. He's a profoundly unhappy person.