"Well, if you were a mother..."

[asoulunbound]

I don't agree with spanking. However, I'm not a mom yet, so when I voice my concerns, I am continually getting "Well, you don't have any kids. If you had kids, you'd change your mind on spanking" (or some variant of the same idea).
IT'S MAKING ME VERY FRUSTRATED. :
I understand I don't have children. I would hope if i had children, you wouldn't feel the need to point that out, thanks.
However, I disagree that I don't "count."
I used to work in a domestic violence shelter (in the daycare), my fiance was abused as a child (he won't even let me put wooden spoons our the wedding registry!), and I've seen too many parents hit their kids because they are angry and/or tired (or lonely or hungry, to complete the H.A.L.T method!)
What do you say to someone who has said this? I want to be repsectful, but I like witty responses. :
Any thoughts are appreciated... it really bothered me today for some reason.
thanks.

[LianneM]

What do you say? I don't know, I never succeeded in getting people to take me seriously before DS was born. I totally understand what you mean, and I wish I had a better answer than that it does get better once you have a child. That topic came up for me as well as many others, and I am just enjoying the fact that NOW I can say something without people discounting my opinion like they did before I had DS.

[peacelovingmama]

Ooh, that would really offend me! I suspect people who say that to you do so out of wanting to normalize their own failure to not hit. But it still rubs me the way-wrong way! Non-violence is one of my most cherished values and so, for someone to say this to me (even before I had kids) would have been akin to them saying something like: "Oh, once you're married for a while, you'll cheat on your spouse for sure." (although I consider hitting kids worse than cheating on a spouse - but that's a whole other can of worms!).

As for witty comebacks, I wish I had some to pass on. I guess it depends on how you feel around this issue. You could say something serious like: "Actually, I am very committed to non-violence and I am confident in my ability to rear children without resorting to violence. Thanks for your concern though." Or "I'm sorry to hear it's been hard for you. I'll bet parenting holds lots of challenges I haven't even imagined yet, but I will always strive to meet them without resorting to violence." Or, depending on how much detail you wanted to get into, you could share some of what you wrote in your post.

I, for one, always knew that hitting was out of the question for me. And I have never even come close to striking my children (now almost 5 and 2.5). I have total confidence that you too will follow your values and refrain from hitting. I'm sorry you have gotten these inconsiderate and offensive comments. They say WAY more about the person making them than they do about you.

[wednesday]

I like what the PP said, boiled down to, "I didn't need to be married to know I would never cheat on my spouse." I think it's a succint way of saying that your values are your values even if they haven't been TESTED yet.

[Kylix]

I hear ya, OP! I'm also not a mother and yet I've very outspoken about some of my beliefs. One of which is that I'm anti-spanking. Of course, I get "once you have kids, you'll see..." (Interestingly enough, my childless friends who are pro-spanking don't get the same dismissive comments or get told they will change their minds once they have kids).

(Also, interestingly enough, I have personally known more people who said they would spank and changed their minds once they held their babies, than who said they would not spank and changed their minds once they had kids).

My usual response? This is not a parenting issue for me, it's a human rights issue. All humans deserve not to be hit.

They usually still don't get it as "spanking" isn't hitting and children don't deserve the same rights as adults. But, it's what I feel and whether they "get" it or not has to not matter to me.

Kylix

[peacelovingmama]

Another thought -- the humble approach -- "I admit that I don't know everything about having kids yet but I do know myself. And I don't hit people." Or as the pp said, "This is a human rights issue for me so although parenting might present many frustrations, I am confident that I will not react violently."

[pookel]

Originally Posted by asoulunbound

I don't agree with spanking. However, I'm not a mom yet, so when I voice my concerns, I am continually getting "Well, you don't have any kids. If you had kids, you'd change your mind on spanking" (or some variant of the same idea).

50% of American parents don't spank. Obviously having kids didn't change THEIR minds.

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/Da...oll021108.html

[LoveBeads]

I was told the exact same thing. I then had kids and guess what? I don't hit them! I agree that it is a human rights issue, not a parenting issue.

[maliceinwonderland]

When you do have your first child, it will change to "oh, but you only have one.." I get this all the time..in order for this golden line to work, you'd need to assume my daughter was completely "perfect" all the time, and ignore that she has asperger's and ADHD..but yeah..I guess my opinion will count when I get my gaggle of eight that I've always wanted

[HerthElde]

Originally Posted by maliceinwonderland

I guess my opinion will count when I get my gaggle of eight that I've always wanted

Not until they're all full grown

[Chanley]

I *AM* a parent and I get one person who is mystified that I do not spank. She feels the need to inform me that she spanked her boys but did not have to do it often. That one or two times was enough to teach them.

She always asks, "you have NEVER had to spank them?" to which I give my standard reply, "I have never encountered a situation where I felt hitting my kids was going to create the relationship that I want."

So now she tells me that they are not old enough yet for me to encounter that. they are 6 and 3.

Don't worry, it may not stop when you have your gaggle.

You might even get told you are just lucky that you have really easy kids. (to which I always reply,"yes, I am very lucky in the kid department." and leave it at that.)

[ShaggyDaddy]

Right now it's "Just wait till you have kids"
once you have your first it will be "Just wait till you have your 2nd"
once you have your second, it will be "Just wait till they are older"
once they are school aged it will be "Just wait till they are teenagers"

It never stops

[Redifer]

I've been told that while waiting for DD to be born, and like a pp said, now I'm told that because I only have one child.

All I say is that "plenty of parents, and those with more than 1 child, are firm in their resolve not to spank, and we'll be those parents as well" and let it drop. People try to normalize and rationalize behavior they know is innappropriate by essentially browbeating those who DON'T do it, while telling them in not-so-many words that EVERYONE does it.

[Smalls181]

I would have said "I dont hit people, and children are people too."

[Cheshire]

Great responses - also, how about:

You're right, I don't have kids and from what I hear the love for a child is even greater than I can imagine - you remember hearing that all the time before you had kids, how it changes everything, right? Well, I know that if I love someone that much I can't imagine a situation, any situation, where I would hit them. And, trust me, in my line of work I've seen the damage that hitting can cause.

[nextcommercial]

That is too funny!

Because I believed that it was not only O.K to spank your children, but it was the right thing to do.

Before I had a kid.

But, as soon as I had one of my own, I could not even imagine hitting her. I couldn't even bear to let her cry.

[JustJenny]

Grrrrrrr!

I totally understand!! I'm not a mom yet either. I get those comments a lot from family members. I really hate the snarky know it all comments - the ones with punctuated smirks and head bobs to boot! My Dad is the worst of all of them. He's very defensive and I think he actually regrets spanking us but won't say it. WHatever. I like the human rights issue comeback- I'll be using that one :

[jellop]

I used to say, "Yeah, but I don't believe in violence - especially towards children." Be prepared for the "I'm not violent, I'm disciplining". Funny, when one person hits another person - for ANY REASON - it's abuse; but when you hit your child (the most defenseless people), it's *discipline*: . Makes me sick

[asoulunbound]

Thanks all, makes me feel a little less weird.
The person who said that yesterday was one who advised another mother to let her kid cry it out... hmm, isn't that interesting. That was another conversation where I didn't count. All four women in that conversation were mothers, and they all said let your baby cry it out, I can't believe you're still nursing her at night, blah blah blah.
Do you think applying the respect of humans to a person who is pro-life (not trying to start a debate!) would be helpful?

[Momtwice]

You don't have to be a mother to know that violence is wrong. You are a human being. You don't like it when other human beings are struck. Thank you for speaking up.