I just wanted to say thanks to all who contribute to this forum. I've been reading here for a short time and have learned so much. Dh and I knew from the beginning that we weren't going to spank our kids. What I didn't know is that controlling my temper would be so hard and that yelling would be such a natural reaction to my children. 
Dh is blessed with a fairly long fuse but even he had his moments. We tried timeouts a couple times. We did them the Supernanny way, but I just didn't feel right about forcing an "I'm sorry" and I never could take the time it required (you know, how you're supposed to keep taking them back until they stay, even if it takes hours). After about three tries, I would just hold them.
Then we tried 1-2-3 Magic and that felt even less right to me. It worked for sure. But then I realized I felt like I was training a dog. "That's 1." and my kid's did what I wanted or stopped what I wanted them to stop. But they weren't learning anything. Just being conditioned to do what I wanted them to do so they avoided a timeout.
At that point, we stopped doing anything. Punishment just didn't feel right to us. But by not doing anything, I had no way to help me get through the tough times with them. About a month ago, I screamed at my five year old. Really screamed. And while I was doing it, I felt like I was beside myself watching, thinking STOP IT! But I kept yelling. I only stopped when I saw the look of absolute horror in his eyes. I've yelled before, but never like that. I was completely ashamed of myself at that moment. It was awful. Then, to make it worse, I got up to walk out of his room to try to regain my composure. He had the smallest voice that was quivering on the brink of crying. He looked up at me and said "Mommy, before you leave, may I please give you a hug?" I hugged him longer and harder than I ever have before. I sobbed and told him how sorry I was. He told me it was okay and I insisted that it wasn't. I told him no one, but especially his mom should ever talk to him like that. We probably hugged for ten minutes and I feel like we really re-connected after that.
I told dh that I had to do something. My mom was a screamer and I remember that feeling that my son had. Although that in absolutely no way excuses what I did, I knew that I needed to change things so I didn't "become her". I decided that the first thing I needed to do was figure out a way to stop yelling.
Fortunately, a friend directed me here because I was asking her questions about cloth diapering this next baby. I started reading threads in the GD forum almost obsessively. I've been telling dh what I am reading and he is so receptive to it all. In just the last couple weeks, we've made changes that basically have now excluded the phrases "If you don't ______, then I'll _____" and "You need to _____, or I'll ______". We've just gotten a lot more silly with our kids. Now when they're doing something that makes me upset, I'm taking deep, calming breaths, thinking of what I could say/do that will best preserve their dignity and feelings.
I think the boys even see a change because they seem to be responding so much better to my requests now and are even more willing than before to help out just because, not because of a threat of time out or taking something away or whatever.
So truly, from the bottom of my heart, I thank everyone that contributes here. I have learned so much and will definitely continue to learn so I can be the best mom I can be.
Dh is blessed with a fairly long fuse but even he had his moments. We tried timeouts a couple times. We did them the Supernanny way, but I just didn't feel right about forcing an "I'm sorry" and I never could take the time it required (you know, how you're supposed to keep taking them back until they stay, even if it takes hours). After about three tries, I would just hold them.Then we tried 1-2-3 Magic and that felt even less right to me. It worked for sure. But then I realized I felt like I was training a dog. "That's 1." and my kid's did what I wanted or stopped what I wanted them to stop. But they weren't learning anything. Just being conditioned to do what I wanted them to do so they avoided a timeout.
At that point, we stopped doing anything. Punishment just didn't feel right to us. But by not doing anything, I had no way to help me get through the tough times with them. About a month ago, I screamed at my five year old. Really screamed. And while I was doing it, I felt like I was beside myself watching, thinking STOP IT! But I kept yelling. I only stopped when I saw the look of absolute horror in his eyes. I've yelled before, but never like that. I was completely ashamed of myself at that moment. It was awful. Then, to make it worse, I got up to walk out of his room to try to regain my composure. He had the smallest voice that was quivering on the brink of crying. He looked up at me and said "Mommy, before you leave, may I please give you a hug?" I hugged him longer and harder than I ever have before. I sobbed and told him how sorry I was. He told me it was okay and I insisted that it wasn't. I told him no one, but especially his mom should ever talk to him like that. We probably hugged for ten minutes and I feel like we really re-connected after that.
I told dh that I had to do something. My mom was a screamer and I remember that feeling that my son had. Although that in absolutely no way excuses what I did, I knew that I needed to change things so I didn't "become her". I decided that the first thing I needed to do was figure out a way to stop yelling.
Fortunately, a friend directed me here because I was asking her questions about cloth diapering this next baby. I started reading threads in the GD forum almost obsessively. I've been telling dh what I am reading and he is so receptive to it all. In just the last couple weeks, we've made changes that basically have now excluded the phrases "If you don't ______, then I'll _____" and "You need to _____, or I'll ______". We've just gotten a lot more silly with our kids. Now when they're doing something that makes me upset, I'm taking deep, calming breaths, thinking of what I could say/do that will best preserve their dignity and feelings.
I think the boys even see a change because they seem to be responding so much better to my requests now and are even more willing than before to help out just because, not because of a threat of time out or taking something away or whatever.
So truly, from the bottom of my heart, I thank everyone that contributes here. I have learned so much and will definitely continue to learn so I can be the best mom I can be.
awwww.... our little ones sure know how to teach us, eh? Thanks for sharing yr story
