Need a soft place to rest :(

[xenomama]

I am so sad and scared. I have always been kind of lost in the heterosexual world. When I was 19, I came out as a lesbian. The period that followed was very tumultuous, and I began to date men again. I married a man, had 2 wonderful children, and divorced him. I think I married him for stability and security, rather than love. I figured I was just bi, but now I'm thinking I've been lying to myself. I joined an online dating site and found that I'm much more attracted to the women; I feel like I'm forcing myself to date men. I'm scared to even let myself ponder the possibilities; I'm not even ready to type them. I'm so scared of going through this process again. It was awful the first time, and now I have children. I worry about custody, and dating, and my family's reaction. I worry about getting blacklisted by my somewhat conservative mom's group.

Can anyone offer any advice/ suggestions/ comfort/ personal stories?

[thismama]

Sounds like you are having a rough time.

Whereabouts do you live? I didn't think custody was an issue anymore?!? But I'm in Canada, so I'm a little clued out.

I'm sorry it seems like your environment is so unsupportive. Can you find other queer mamas in your area? What you are talking about reminds me so much of my own fears when I was coming out (before I had my daughter), and for me finding community made such a world of difference.

You don't have to tell your family. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to, yk?

There are lots of lesbian mamas where I live. It would be great if you could find a new, cooler, QUEER mamas group to support you and accept you for who you are.

[xenomama]

Man, I am messed up. I didn't even think of that, and I'm the queen of groups. When I have the emotional stamina, I'll check it out.

[rowansmomma]

Originally Posted by xenomama

I am so sad and scared. I have always been kind of lost in the heterosexual world. When I was 19, I came out as a lesbian. The period the followed was very tumultuous, and I began to date men again. I married a men, had 2 wonderful children, and divorced him. I think I married him for stability and security, rather than love. I figured I was just bi, but now I'm thinking I've been lying to myself. I joined an online dating site and found that I'm much more attracted to the women; I feel like I'm forcing myself to date men. I'm scared to even let myself ponder the possibilities; I'm not even ready to type them. I'm so scared of going through this process again. It was so awful the first time, and now I have children. I worry about custody, and dating, and my family's reaction. I worry about getting blacklisted by my somewhat conservative mom's group.

Can anyone offer any advice/ suggestions/ comfort/ personal stories?

I'm just lurking around here........but I saw your post and had to reply. I'm hetero so I probably have no idea what I'm talking about but from where I stand, if your mom group blacklists you, then they aren't your friends anyway.

Are you in a rural area or a metropolitan one? Perhaps you can find a good group of women who you are comfortable with in case these women don't accept you. It makes me sad to think that in this day and age there are actually people out there who wouldn't.

I hope you find peace and can get through this emotionally unscathed.

[thismama]

Yeah, I hope that helps. I found community helped me IMMENSELY when I was coming out. Dealing with all the emotion and figuring out of it, the fear of coming out to other people, the rejection and lack of understanding and alla that crap, yk? Having other people who get it made all the difference, it really helped me see all the possibilities for my life as a queer person, all the gifts and joys of it.

I hope you find that, and I hope it helps you also. I wish you had more supportive people around you. :

eta - In my smallish city, there is a big group of lesbian mamas and an active intimate weekly playgroup that a few of us have orchestrated. It's really nice, and nice for the kiddos too, very normalizing. My child is actually the only one with a mama and a dad (I made her with my gay male friend), and she for a while was all bummed out about why doesn't she have two mamas like all her friends.

[PixelDust]

Finding an open and accepting (even if not queer) place to spend some time can make a world of difference. I'm so sorry you're going through this in a world that is unsupportive.

[Kelphy]

I agree with rowansmomma - if your mom's group doesn't support you than really, are they worth keeping around.

Finding a queer mom's group is an excellent idea. You will be able to vent and get wonderful support and advice, I am sure. Coming out is such a hard thing to do, and to have to do it for a second time after a divorce and two children - it's a lot to deal with. You do not have to tell anyone right now. I think it's really important that you get out your emotions, whether or not you find some sort of a queer comunity where you live, or if it's right here with us.
Stay strong

[chfriend]

I don't know where you are, but where I live there is a very active group of lesbian moms, a few other members of the gbtq parts of glbtq and wanna be parents. You could start lurking a bit around the edges of a group to see if it suits you.

A lot of my support right now comes from queer-friendly ap-oriented parents. But I came out in 1977 and have had the same partner for the last 13 years, so my needs for lesbian-ville are not as strong.

I really agree with thismama that when you're coming out community is really important. Lots of strong feelings are completely normal as you try to find your way to a comfortable self-definition.

If I may, forcing yourself to date seems counter-productive, whether men or women. If you are coming out, you may be too vulnerable to really date and get to know someone. I think first establishing a comfortable identity may make any transistions you need to make easier.

Where are the lesbians in your community? Is there a gay/lesbian newspaper or newsletter?

[bookwormommy]

You have a hard situation. I don't have any advice, but I'm praying that you have all the strength and courage that you need to deal with this, whatever you decide to do.

[mama2rey]

I think finding some place of support. A local lesbian mother's group, a support group etc... is an excellent idea.

I know that when I was coming out, I had no idea of where to begin looking. There is a website called the National GLBT help center, where you can find local resources.

It is: http://www.glnh.org/find/index.html

Their search is not exhaustive, but you can also email them, or call to find other resources if you don't find what you need.

This process can be scary, please know that it is possible to be gay and have stability. I don't know where you live, so I can't speak for the laws there, however at the very least there are people out there who can and will support you.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.