Responding to Mr. Opposite - Page 2

[mamazee]

I call my daughter Miss Contrary when she gets like this. And she still does sometimes at 5, though it was bigger when she was 3.

Kids have their own personalities and some of them are a bit anti-authority. I try to work with her on this kind of thing. "What would you call your cheeks?" They're your son's cheeks and he's trying to express ownership of himself, which is a very healthy thing. My daughter's biggest issue has always been when people use pet names for her that are food products. That really bothers her. "I am not food. I am not for eating!" So we honor that and call her non-food pet names.

The child who feels strongly about making his own decisions for himself will grow into the teenager who makes his own decisions and doesn't let his peers run his life.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

Whatever else is going on, it sounds like there are (probably normal) control issues going on, asserting his independence and HATING being told what to do...even if it's helpful.

I think I just had a little mini lightbulb. If it's hating being told what to do (even if it's a benign helpful suggestion about something), maybe I need to just try to rephrase things asking for his input on how to fix things first, instead of suggesting something when he says he has a problem or we see he's having a problem. I think that's the most exasperating part of it - it's when he apears to need help, or when he tells me he has a problem or issue and I'm trying to help, that the opposition seems to be at its peak. That's going to be a lot more work for me, isn't it? I suppose he's worth it. (JK, of course he's worth it).

Keep the ideas coming if you have them! I'm going to really pay attention to the interactions that are resulting in the negativity, and see if it trends to him being 'told what to do' or 'told what to think' (even if it's not really the person's intent).

[dulce de leche]

With dd (yep, another 3 year old!), anytime she is having an allergic reaction or is tired (physically or emotionally) she is more likely to fall into this behavior. I love some of the ideas that have already been mentioned.

Another thing that helps if I can tell that she is feeling especially tense is to listen to the feeling rather than the words. She is trying to let me know that something is wrong and it isn't quite coming out in a logical way. Sometimes she feels frustrated or disappointed with something else, or stressed and overwhelmed. Responding to her feelings rather than to her words has been the most helpful thing we can do in those situations.

[Fuamami]

As far as sleep goes, does he nap? My dd gave up her nap at about that age, though she reinstated it once the days got longer again. Anyway, I started putting her to bed at 5:30. She'd sleep all the way through until 6:00. It kind of kills your social life, and she didn't see much of her daddy except on the weekends, but she was just fried from sleep deprivation.

The other thing I would consider is that maybe he gets too much help. I mean, you say you don't want to explain it away with, "It's just his age..." but one thing about being that age is that EVERYBODY has some advice for you. Which could just be driving your ds crazy. I mean, try to put yourself in his shoes. I am not trying to be snarky, but I just thought about your incident where you were trying to get him to roll over so he could breath easier. I'm probably extra sensitive to stuff like that because my mother was a very bossy older child, and was forever telling me how to do everything, but I felt like your ds a lot of the time. Like I didn't care if it was the best advice in the world, I just wanted to figure it out on my own, w/out her lurking there w/a knowing look on her face, barely restraining herself from offering friendly advice.

OK, I'm sorry, that totally turned into my own rant. I really doubt you're as bad as my mother. But maybe you could try one day of not giving any instruction, any advice, other than, "Go get ready for bed," or just the stuff he already knows how to do and just has to do.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

I think I just had a little mini lightbulb. If it's hating being told what to do (even if it's a benign helpful suggestion about something), maybe I need to just try to rephrase things asking for his input on how to fix things first, instead of suggesting something when he says he has a problem or we see he's having a problem. I think that's the most exasperating part of it - it's when he apears to need help, or when he tells me he has a problem or issue and I'm trying to help, that the opposition seems to be at its peak. That's going to be a lot more work for me, isn't it? I suppose he's worth it. (JK, of course he's worth it).

Keep the ideas coming if you have them! I'm going to really pay attention to the interactions that are resulting in the negativity, and see if it trends to him being 'told what to do' or 'told what to think' (even if it's not really the person's intent).

Sorry for the pp, you'd already gotten there!

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by natensarah

As far as sleep goes, does he nap?

<snip> But maybe you could try one day of not giving any instruction, any advice, other than, "Go get ready for bed," or just the stuff he already knows how to do and just has to do.

He hasn't napped regularly since he was 26 months. - yeah, that's been fun. If he does want a nap it's around 4pm, but then won't go to bed for the night until at least 7 hours after he woke up from the nap (we've tried it and he really stays up until 10:30, 11pm if he naps in the afternoon), and he's up around 6am regardless of when he goes to sleep, so napping actually gets him less sleep than not napping, if you can believe that. : I think i might talk with DH about sacrifing some daddy tiem during the week for a little experiment and seeing if that will help. Maybe I'll try feeding the kids dinner when I'm done working so that he can have his "daddy time" instead of it being sucked up by dinner, and then DH and I can eat after he's asleep, and hang out with DD some. Hmmmmmm......we did that for a while when he first stopped napping but then he seemed to need to be awake later in the evenings - maybe this is a sleep regression of sorts because he recently started preschool, and we should put him to bed earlier for a while?

And I appreciate you giving that perspective abotu being overbearing, it really does help. I'm going to be very conscious over the next few days to see what contribution *I'M* making to the problem. Thanks!

[Momma_Camille]

Contrary Mary

You all need this book!

I got it from the library once. It's hysterical. And all about a child doing exactly what you all are saying. She walks backwards, sleeps in her bed upside down, etc.

It might be a funny way to show your children how it looks/sounds? Just a thought - I have zero experience with it. My DD will be 2 next month. So far I'll I've got is her saying "No." every time I make a suggestion. Even if it's as simple as "Let's leave the bathroom now." "NO!" she says as she walks out of the bathroom.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Momma_Camille

Contrary Mary

You all need this book!

I got it from the library once. It's hysterical. And all about a child doing exactly what you all are saying. She walks backwards, sleeps in her bed upside down, etc.

I love it - I'm goign to look for it in the library when we go on Thursday. Thanks!

[neverdoingitagain]

I'm atdt right now too Some days are better than others.
Have you read "Hold on to your Kids"? by Gordon Neufeld? There was a bit in there about counter-will. Its basically the need of the child to push against whatever/whoever they are most attached to. In parent oriented children, they are pushing to expand their boundaries and grow as a person. In a peer oriented child, its the desire to be closer to their source of attachment, by pushing other sources of attachment away.
in this instance, I believe your child is parent attached and just trying to find their place in the world. Which is a good thing.

But damn, is it annoying.
I find that with my dd, humor helps alot. Affection helps alot. Just plain telling her that "I love you. I love you when you're crazy, I love you when you're grumpy, I love you when you're happy, I love you when you're sad, I love you when you're mad. I just plain love you all the time!"
I have even said to her " I don't like you right now, but I still love you"
Oh, and my dd hasn't napped since she was around 18 months too. We still tried to get her to nap for about another year (sometimes really slow on the uptake, kwim?) that is, until we realized that she made up the time she napped x2. Now we warn anyone who might take care of her to not let her nap on pain of death. 2am bedtime is not ok with me
Well, good luck with this, hope your experiment works!

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by loraxc

Teachma, once again, I think our kids were stamped from the same mold!

Yep, mine too! Yes, our 6 year old does it, but only when he's cranky these days.

The absolutely best answer I've heard for this is "Oh, so we have different ideas about this. I think her cheeks are rosy, and you don't."

And then leave it. It acknowledges what they think, it doesn't involve telling them they're right when they're not, and it teaches that other people can have other opinions and the world will still go on.

[Fuamami]

Well, I see you've read "Sleepless in America", so you know all the dire predictions she associates with sleep deprivation. I don't know what to think about those. I also have never been able to get my dd to sleep in, but it is true that she is an entirely different child when she has enough sleep. That could be all it is.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by natensarah

Well, I see you've read "Sleepless in America", so you know all the dire predictions she associates with sleep deprivation. I don't know what to think about those. I also have never been able to get my dd to sleep in, but it is true that she is an entirely different child when she has enough sleep. That could be all it is.

So last night he was asleep around 7pm ...and was awake at 5:40. This kid will NOT sleep 12 hours! He seems to max out at around 10-1/2 or 11 consecutive hours - I'm at a loss really on how to help him sleep more - we've done a lot of the tips she gives in her book, but none of them have made a difference. : Maybe I'll post in nighttime parenting.