I'm sitting here cyring ... I don't know what to do

[GenomicsGirl]

DS is 3.5 years old and he's aggressive, he punches, grabs toys from other kids, he's the bully at the park and at playgroups. I just don't know what to do. There is rarely a day when he hasn't hurt someone else. I'm so tired. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I feel like I've created a little monster and that people are like "oh no, HE's coming". We leave playgroups early, we give back toys, we talk about how it made the other person feel ... I just don't know where he gets all his mean tendencies from and I'm so overwhelmed right now.

When a child cries at the park, I look to see what ds has done - not if he's done something, but what he's done. That's how consistent he is. To the outside world, I pretend like I'm calm and collected and I discipline him like I know how ... but I always get comments like "you don't hit him, and he hits, yet I spank and my kids don't hit". Last week another mom said "Just give me one weekend with him and I'll straighten him out". He'll take a fun wrestling match with a friend and turn it into a punching match where the friend is being beaten.

So what made me finally post? He shoved our swinging door right off the hinges, just because. I've told him, and he knows, that the swinging door is to remain wedged open (it can be dangerous if little fingers get caught). He got bored because I was making my morning tea and decided to do something he's never been able to do before.

Now, this kid has some big pluses - he's not all mean - But the aggression is just so exhausting. I'm not sure why I'm posting this at all. I'm not sure what the response will be. We're suppose to only talk nicely of our kids. And I really try. I think I'm just broken right now.

Here's what he did to the door: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v2...13-07-door.jpg

[Justmee]

couldn't read without offering a

[Diane~KJ]

Shannon, I sorry you are having such a rough time of it. I don't have any worldly wisdom to pass on to you, but I know how overwhelming it can be and I just wanted to send hugs your way.

I'm sure some wiser mommas will have some good advice for you later. You are a good momma.

[Aeress]

I am not surprised by how he turns wrestling into other things, most kids have trouble finding the happy medium between fun and someone getting hurt, especially at 3.5.

The other behaviors you mentioned do seem a bit out of the realm of normal boy behavior. Is he on a special diet? Have you looked at eliminating wheat, dairy, etc? I know there are some great resources linking aggression to diet. (sorry, I know my friend did an elimination diet but I don't know what she researched.)

I hope someone has some good book recommendations.

[beka1977]

I would really try diet - eliminate ALL sugar... the obvious stuff, but also all "white" foods, cereal, pasta, rice, corn, etc... I did this to my own diet (also very few grains) and have noticed a huge difference.

[straighthaircurly]

Huge hugs to you. I also have a child who can be very aggressive, has been since he could move. For him it is a combination of things and I have no way of knowing what applies to your son. Your son definitely sounds very spirited and I think it would help if you kept a log of episodes and the circumstances behind them. "The Out-of-Sync Child" (most libraries carry it) has some good example of what to record and what to look for in terms of triggers. It is a good way for you to step back from the emotion of the situation and look more objectively at the behaviors.

I also recommend a trip to the library to borrow "Raising Your Spirited Child" http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-S.../dp/0060923288
and "The out-of-Sync Child" http://www.amazon.com/Out-Sync-Child.../dp/0399523863
For my ds (3.5), we have discovered that a lot of his behavior is actually due to sensory integration problems (SID or SPD). He is sensory seeking in a number of areas and it results in him crashing into kids, biting, hitting, and other eccessive and often extremely impulsive behavior (way beyond other kids his age). At the advice of his preschool teacher we had an Early Childhood Screening (thru our school district) done. Due to the results of the social-emotional part of the screening, now we are seeking approval for a complete assessment by an OT and hopefully some occupational therapy to help my son gain a better understanding of what he is feeling and how he responds.

Please know that I understand your frustration and embarassment as well as your fears that your child will continue down this anti-social path. Now is the time to reach out for resources and figure out the best strategies and approach to help you and your son. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Village Mama]

Another vote for diet as well. It made a world of difference for us.

[straighthaircurly]

Originally Posted by beka1977

I would really try diet - eliminate ALL sugar... the obvious stuff, but also all "white" foods, cereal, pasta, rice, corn, etc... I did this to my own diet (also very few grains) and have noticed a huge difference.

I agree. We have focused on eliminating high fructose corn syrup and also red dye #40 with good results. We also try to focus on whole grains, sprouted grain bread, brown rice, etc. It can help to keep a food diary for your kid and note behaviors when you wander off the good stuff.

Also I have friends that have used the Feingold diet with their kids and it really helped behavior. I don't have a particular site but you could just google feingold food & behavior.

[newmommy]

I too have cried over DS's behavior so I can completely relate to your feeling overwhelmed.

Try the elimination of sugar and cross your fingers!

[nextcommercial]

This is good for those of us with the kids who would never be agressive. (cuz they are so perfect and all )

Because, we DO look at him and say "Oh no, HE is here". We even say it outloud to each other. And probably groan aloud too. (How rude! I never thought it was rude til now)

I think we need to try to be more sensitive to "That kid", and his parents. We all assume that the parent does something to encourage the agressiveness.

I know some parents DO encourage the agressiveness. But, for the most part, I bet most parents feel like you feel.

SO, as one of the eye rolling groaning parents at the park, what would you like us to do? Should we help? Should we keep quiet? Should we buy you a starbucks and hope he tires himself out??

Because there is a four year old at the park sometimes that is just like you describe your son. I just keep my kids away from him, but the Mom looks absolutley beside herself. I feel very bad for her, but I don't want to offend her either.

Sidenote::: This little boy ALWAYS has a dark, pimply rash on his face. Could I suggest that he might have a food allergy? Or is that overstepping, since she hasn't asked?

[Attached Mama]

I agree to check food allergies, sensory issues etc.

Also, what kind of gentle discipline do you do? Do you just explain why something is not allowed or are there natural consequences too his actions. For example, some people think that to require a child to sit for a minute to "calm down" is a punitive time out and won't do that, but some people find that their children need that time out (or whatever they call it) to help them realize that their behaviour was not acceptable. IMHO words are not always enough and some kids need some sort of consequences, but again, I know there are those who don't agree that natural consequences are not punitive.

Maybe too you could try playing with him so that it's not an issue of looking to see what he did but that you are always there with him. Maybe he is just getting into situations that are frustrating to him and he doesn't know how to handle them in the heat of the moment. Like maybe he needs to learn that when kids start wrestling to walk away and say "I don't wrestle" or maybe he needs to learn that he can only touch kids in one way- say stroking them on the arm or just holding hands. Then he knows what he can do in a very specific and limited ez to remember way. Just some ideas, not sure what you have or have not done or even if these things would help.

to you.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

what would you like us to do? Should we help? Should we keep quiet? Should we buy you a starbucks and hope he tires himself out??

Great question! I have "that kid" and what I would like is no judgemental stares or whispers.

Just send me a sympathetic nod of understanding that says " to you Mama"... because I am *on it* with DS. I have to be a hawk over him and swoop down to intervene when appropriate.

Being the Mama that I am, I'll eventually leave anyway with DS after too much stress.

[hammas]

We're having same kind of problems with ds (almost 3,5). We have eliminated added sugar, most fruit and most starch from his diet. He is definitely *wild* if he gets some sugary food without fat and protein. Lately he has been eating bread almost every morning. This is something we need to look closer.

I know that my tiredness, my not-so-great parenting, ds's sensitivity and his adjusting to having a baby sister all add to this aggression problem. He is also very big for his age so he sometimes hurts other kids when he plays with them the way they play with him.

To the op I have very little to offer but a sympathetic

[GenomicsGirl]

Originally Posted by Attached Mama

Also, what kind of gentle discipline do you do?

Well, I guess I vary discipline slightly depending on the severity of the situation. I usually have him sit quietly, breathe deeply, count to ten, and then have a moment to discuss what happened. He needs to be physically removed from the scene in order for him to calm down properly and breathing and counting seem to really bring him back down as well. I guess it's a time out, but it's more of a reflective and calm-down time rather than a you've-been-bad-so-sit-by-yourself time.

Originally Posted by Attached Mama

Maybe too you could try playing with him so that it's not an issue of looking to see what he did but that you are always there with him.

I actually stick pretty close to him - but I also have a 1.5 year old who likes to play independently, so I have to keep my eyes on both of them. When something happens at a play area, I'm usually the first and only parent to intervene, even if the other child was also at fault.

I've never even considered the sugar thing ... he doesn't eat very much (and certainly not as much as most of his friends), but I'll do some research. I'll also go look for the recommended books.

Another thing I wanted to say is that he goes to preschool for 3hrs, 3 times a week. At school, he's only had one punishment (which was loss of a privilege)
and it was surprisingly for not wanting to leave the playground, not an altercation.

And for those of you that have rolled your eyes at that kid in the past, I completely understand! I wouldn't want my kid to be 'at risk' for a punch And as long as the mom is getting in the sand and taking charge of a volatile situation, I guess all I can ask you to do is to have a little empathy, give her a sympathetic smile, and suggest she get some anti-anxiety meds : Just kidding

Really, your replies have made me feel much better. Thanks.

[Attached Mama]

hmmm... that's harder when you have a second child to keep watch on too. I think i'd def check out the sugar etc thing. Hang in there! You sound like an awesome and loving mama and I'm sure you will find the root cause and be able to help him!

[straighthaircurly]

Originally Posted by GenomicsGirl

Another thing I wanted to say is that he goes to preschool for 3hrs, 3 times a week. At school, he's only had one punishment (which was loss of a privilege)
and it was surprisingly for not wanting to leave the playground, not an altercation.

Interesting. What is different at preschool do you think?

Isn't it amazing how much better you can feel after just getting a little support on here. I know it saves me at least once a week. Helps me collect my thoughts and feel like I'm not struggling alone.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Sidenote::: This little boy ALWAYS has a dark, pimply rash on his face. Could I suggest that he might have a food allergy? Or is that overstepping, since she hasn't asked?

I'd mention it privately, starting out "I've watched you with your son and I *know* you're doing everything right. I'm sure you get this all the time, but have you looked into changing his diet?"

[allye]

I totally agree about the diet. My DD when she was 1-2 years old would harsh toss fits, get angry and aggressive and once we took milk and some dairy out of her diet, her attitude and demeanor completely changed! Good luck mama and lots of *hugs* to you!

[mama2mygirl]

I think you should try and get like-minded mamas to hang around. It makes all the difference.

That and I'd also say to watch his diet. I just cut all sugar out of dd's diet(and mine) and the difference is amazing. It's harder than it sounds because so many seemingly non-sugary foods have sugar in them.

[greendaddy]

It was mentioned briefly in a previous post, but I'd like to underscore the possibility of red food coloring. I know that we see a night-and-day difference in DDs behavior when she consumes even a small amount of food containing red dye. Then it takes roughly 36 hours for it to work its way out of her system.

The idea of "physically removing" him concerns me, as well. This is just another form of physical domination through strength...not that far removed from what he is doing to other kids. I'll admit, I can't think of alternatives. Anyone else? What's a GD solution to this?