I'm sitting here cyring ... I don't know what to do - Page 3

[Maiasaura]

i just wanted to send you a HUGE

i know how hard that is. i'm That Mom too. my ds is 6 now. it's gotten easier, but he still can be SO aggressive. at 3.5, we always had to leave the playground or the playgroup, and i so wanted to go places and take him places. but boy, was it hard.
i read every spirited book on the planet. i have never kept much icky food in the house. at that age, my ds would eat greek salad for breakfast and ask for seconds (not now, btw, he won't *touch* veggies or fruit. it's so frustrating!)!
we had a great diet. we were in therapy. we did it all. he was just...who he is.

i had to do a LOT of adjusting. i carefully picked and chose what we could/would go to. and i had to practice a LOT of acceptance. didn't have to like it. just had to accept it. or go insane.

we ended up not going to our favorite playgroup if it was at a park, 'cause all the other moms got to stand around the sandbox, chatting away, while their Velcro Children stuck right by their sides, playing happily in the sand. i, however, got to chase my ds all over the unfenced playground, hoping he would not, for once, run pell-mell into the street. for me it was way too stressful. i got more peace at home, where he knew the territory and i knew it too, and i had it pretty much ds-proofed. i felt so frustrated cause the other mamas (it was only a 5-family playgroup!) never seemed to feel my pain and NOT have it at an unfenced playground.

i got tons of the suggestions you've already gotten. none of it seemed to matter. and i did find other moms with the same issues, but that was hard too-- just imagine all those spirited kids together! but it was some relief for the moms, even if just for an hour.

hang in there, mama.

oh, and i dunno how GD "Love and Logic" is, but i just went to a class and i LOVE it. it makes total sense. i'd recommend go, if you can. if you can't find the classes free, find your local child advocacy services and they should be able to hook you up. it is just that many of those "free" classes are geared toward people who have to go because they are being referred by DSS or the courts. this matters to some people. it didn't to me.

and again, hang in there. it gets better. different. the issues are still there (my ds beat up his best friend at that friend's birthday party...*sigh*...) but they are different and can better be dealt with, with maturity.


pamela

[irinam]

Originally Posted by GenomicsGirl

he loves to read, play computer games, paint, roller blade,

Am I the only one who is IMPRESSED by a 3.5yo who reads, plays computer games and rollerblades?

[famousmockngbrd]

My DS was/is the same way. 3.5 was a particuarly tough time - everyone says it, and it's really true. He turned 4 in Oct. and he is much better at controlling himself than he used to be. This is not to say he is "cured", lol - he still has his moments and they can be bad, but they are a lot less.

He also rarely hit at preschool, and when he did, I was there. You could say I "triggered" it. I prefer to think that he considered me his safe place, where he could let his hair down, so to speak. I don't know, but I can tell you I am the same parent I was 8 months ago, and the hitting has greatly decreased, to the point where I don't actually have to stay within arm's reach of him at all times! So by all means, improve his diet, his sleep, etc. but don't make yourself crazy looking for ways to "fix this problem" - give it 6 months and it may fix itself.

One thing that I am seeing pay off right now is giving him concrete alternatives to hitting. Some people advocate hitting couches, etc. but that never really did it for us. (We tried it tho.) We gave him some phrases to yell, (I'm so angry!) and that works a lot better for him. Though, now he comes up with some creative phrases of his own and some of them are not so nice, so it's time to work on Phase Two: socially acceptable things to yell. It's a gradual process.

You sound like you are able to stay really calm when he is acting up like this, and I think that is key - you don't want to start getting mad because then the negative emotions start getting out of control, which is especially scary for the little ones. Plus you are modeling how to calmly respond to situations. It helps if you can remove the DC from the immediate situation, and talk to them about what they wanted to accomplish by hitting the other child, and what they were feeling, and then brainstorm other ways of acheiving that goal. I know (all too well) that is not always possible in the heat of the moment, but it makes it more immediate for the child, gives them tools in hand, so to speak. Roleplaying also helps - play out a scenario where your DS would be tempted to hit. Let DS choose whether to be himself or the other kid. Be prepared to hear some awful stuff, and don't get upset, just let it go. You said your DH doesn't roughhouse with him. Why not? It might be great for him. Burn off energy, connect with Daddy, do some guy stuff... what's not to love?

I hope I don't sound too preachy, I just want to share what seemed to help us. Though I think the main thing that helped us, was time. Of course, what we do during that time is very important as well.

Good luck, and hang in there sister.