Please, I need help

[bygones75]

I really feel like a terrible and ignorant mama. I would really appreciate some help/feedback.

My 17 month old son has always been high-needs. Terrible colic as an infant, prone to long and violent tantrums, still doesn't sleep through the night, etc. That being said, he can be a sweet boy too. We love him to pieces.

Lately though, I just don't know what to do with him. The biting and scratching are extreme... and it's not even when he's frustrated/angry. He'll be playing with me happily and then suddenly whack me in the face or bite me. He often breaks the skin with the bite, and he's bruised my face. It happens very quickly, and even after this happening so many times, I'm still surprised. I yell NO at him and push him away from me. Obviously, this isn't working, because he keeps doing it. I tried ignoring him completely -- no effect. I tried a time-out, though honestly, I don't know how to do time-outs at this age. It's not like you can force him to stay still for a minute! So I just put him in the bedroom for a minute. He might whine a bit, but then just plays with his toys. Some discipline, huh. (We live in a very small apt and the bedroom is the only enclosed space.)

I feel like I'm yelling all the time. I don't want to be that kind of mother. Please give me some useful advice without chastising me. Our ped has not been helpful and I don't know what else to do.

Thank you,

[Benji'sMom]

My son will be 3 next month and just started hiting me or biting me out of nowhere. I don't think he knows that it hurts. Sorry, no real advice, except to say I'm sure a 17 mo is just too young to "get it," no matter how many times he is punished.

I say, just keep telling him no, to teach him not to do it. If you keep punishing him, you're just punishing instead of teaching, which doesn't do any good. It has to be something that he knows not to do, and I don't think he can understand it yet. At what age will he learn? Who knows? But a 17 month old has no impulse control so for sure that is too young to punish or to expect him to do what you're asking him to do. Seems like even when they "know" they don't really know, if that makes any sense. You think you've told him a hundred times so surely, he should know better, and do better, but in reality, he's too young to "get it" even if you've told him a THOUSAND times it wouldn't matter.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling...

[nancy926]

I don't think he understands that it hurts you. My 4-y-o still sometimes doesn't "get" when she hurts people (by accidentally stepping on their foot, for example, or knocking them over).

[LoveBeads]

The only thing you can really do with a child that young is to redirect. He doesn't know that he is hurting you and certainly he would never be able to connect the time out with his behavior.

DD went through a phase where she scratched because she really wanted to explore my face. I showed her how to do it gently. And I kept her nails trimmed!

[maryeb]

I'm going through the same thing here...just before ds's nap he scratched me several times and l ended up crying because it really hurt! Both dh and I have marks on our face from the scratching. Ds does sometimes use it when he is frustrated he cannot have xyz, when someone is too close to him...but he also does it out of exploration. I can tell today he is teething so I think he is also in some pain and so the scratching is increasing. Here is what I do, although I agree with other posters, they just don't truly get it yet. I always say something like, "scratching hurts, stop, you must be frustrated (or whatever is going on)..." Then I show him gentle touch on me, him, and sometimes his baby doll if she is nearby. Today I treated him for teething with homeopathics so I hope that helps. Also getting out to a park is awesome. Scratching and nipple biting (for me, sadly) cannot happen we're he is exploring the outdoors! Hope this helps. Good luck, Mary

[Ks Mama]

Originally Posted by bygones75

I yell NO at him and push him away from me. Obviously, this isn't working, because he keeps doing it. I tried ignoring him completely -- no effect. I tried a time-out, though honestly, I don't know how to do time-outs at this age. It's not like you can force him to stay still for a minute! So I just put him in the bedroom for a minute. He might whine a bit, but then just plays with his toys. Some discipline, huh. (We live in a very small apt and the bedroom is the only enclosed space.)

I feel like I'm yelling all the time.

I too have a high needs child - who is still high needs. She also was colicky as an infant (read until 8 months old), and just recently started "sleeping through the night". She is strong willed. She is brilliant. And sometimes she completely overwhelms me.

My very first thought is MODELING the behavior you want to see.

What I have learned is that if you do not want your child to be impulsive, you have to get control of your own impulsiveness (i.e. yelling, pushing him away from you, ignoring him, etc.). You CANNOT yell at your child, for any reason, if you don't want him to have his own violent outbursts. Do WHATEVER you need to do to figure out how to curb that. If you cannot be calm, you must tell him calmly that, "Mommy doesn't like that behavior. I'm going in the other room now.", then CALMLY put him down, CALMLY walk away, and scream in a pillow if you must.

In my opinion & experience so far, time outs, ignoring your child's tantrums, etc. are counter-productive behaviors, which don't teach your child anything other than you can't handle what he's expressing, and that you can't help him to learn how to calm himself down. It is OKAY to help him learn how to calm, redirect, & control himself. It isn't being weak - it's your JOB to teach him constructive ways to feel better and act better, so that when he's old enough to do so, he will be able to help himself out of bad moods/feeling/behaviors. It's OKAY for him to be angry. It's not okay for him to hurt you or himself, so you have to help him learn how to act out in non-agressive ways by showing him how YOU do it.

Instead of punishing or ignoring, RECOGNIZE your child's feelings, GIVE him words, and GIVE him alternatives.

When he hits, instead of drawing attention to the negative, don't even let the word NO enter your dialog. Instead, say, "Hands are for hugging & petting", and show him what you mean. If he tries to bite, say, "Teeth are for chewing - you must be HUNGRY - let's get some food". Pick him right up, chatter away (distraction works great at this age), and take him directly to the kichen to pick out his OWN food.

This is what I've done with my daughter so far. Some days are wonderful, some days are hard, and some days I still take a break in the other room & yell into a pillow until I get more creative, get myself under control, and come back into the room positive, and ready to help.

You & he will be okay. Be what you want to see, and he will follow.

[arwenevenstar]

Originally Posted by Ks Mama

Instead of punishing or ignoring, RECOGNIZE your child's feelings, GIVE him words, and GIVE him alternatives.

When he hits, instead of drawing attention to the negative, don't even let the word NO enter your dialog. Instead, say, "Hands are for hugging & petting", and show him what you mean. If he tries to bite, say, "Teeth are for chewing - you must be HUNGRY - let's get some food". Pick him right up, chatter away (distraction works great at this age), and take him directly to the kichen to pick out his OWN food.
.

:

That was the best bit of advice I was given by a friend several years ago!

[bygones75]

This was all so helpful, ladies. Thank you. I was just feeling so lost and not knowing what to do. This puts in perspective and gives me something tangible to work towards with him. Lately I just cry over it and that's not getting me anywhere.

I think K's Mama is right: I haven't learned to control my own impulses. I've always considered myself such a patient person, but he really pushes my buttons. If I can't do it calmly, I'm going to remove myself from the situation until I can.

Thanks again,