I feel I’m going to lose my mind! I’ve tried to parent by putting myself in their positions and trying to imagine how I would feel under certain circumstances. With that said, I have probably been inconsistent in my parenting with my oldest. Her bio-father and I haven’t been together since she was a baby and his views of parenting are pretty much non-existent. Because of that, I’ve tried not to be too hard on her on many things because I would imagine it would be difficult to go from a place with no discipline/parenting every other weekend to home where there is structure and discipline – confusing for her, I always felt. Now, she’s 11 and I’m starting to second guess every move I’ve made thus far and what my next should be. She admittedly has behavior problems and comes to talk to me about it and tells me she wants to change them and is going to work really hard on a lot of the issues. She is a very sweet child sometimes; very loving and sensitive but seems to completely change in an instant and become so hateful, spiteful and angry! This applies to me, my husband, her sisters, pretty much everyone and her attitude is mostly rude. If she's intentionally irritating her sisters and I ask her to please not do that, she has actually looked at me and said "why? what are you going to do? you don't believe in spanking" while she continued to do it. It’s like she lives in this “all about me” world, kind of like how a 3 yr old thinks the world is all about pleasing themselves with no regards to others. Only, they are 3 and really aren’t able to understand the affects of their actions – is it too much to ask an 11 yr old to consider other people? Shouldn’t she be capable of understanding that by now? I’m really asking because with her being my oldest, I don’t have experience in this age group yet but it is beginning to take a toll on the entire family - family outtings have become such a hassle more due to our 11 yr old than our 3 yr old and feel this also isn't fair to our other 2 girls. I want to consider dd1 feelings and try to let her work through this but feel I'm neglecting dd2 & dd3's feelings and needs by allowing her to cause such drama all the time.
Now, I’m at a crossroad. I’ve been advised to seek counseling for her from some boards but I fear if that isn’t what is needed and I do it, it may push her further in the opposite direction and she will begin to feel there is something wrong with her when there isn’t – kwim? She started developing at a young age, so then I wonder if maybe hormones are beginning to take their toll and it is beyond her control. Then again, I wonder if I’m just being naïve & making excuses for her when I think that and maybe ignoring a need for something that will cause major problems within the next few years if I don’t do something now.
Rambling a bit, I know and I apologize. Like I said, I’ve tried to parent all my girls by getting inside their heads to figure what triggers certain reactions so I can better help them understand other ways of coping and expressing but her mood changes are so sporadic that I just don’t know what to do anymore and can’t figure what in the world would cause her to react the way she did or behave in that manner – absolute defiance and seems sometimes her only goal in the things she does is to intentionally irritate, hurt someone or make someone feel bad about themselves, and I hate feeling that way about my child.
For those with experience with older children, is this typical hormonal behavior? Is there perhaps some sort of behavioral disorder I need to see about (I’ve been told from some to check into ODD or ADHD or something similar, also)? How have you kept your sanity???
Now, I’m at a crossroad. I’ve been advised to seek counseling for her from some boards but I fear if that isn’t what is needed and I do it, it may push her further in the opposite direction and she will begin to feel there is something wrong with her when there isn’t – kwim? She started developing at a young age, so then I wonder if maybe hormones are beginning to take their toll and it is beyond her control. Then again, I wonder if I’m just being naïve & making excuses for her when I think that and maybe ignoring a need for something that will cause major problems within the next few years if I don’t do something now.
Rambling a bit, I know and I apologize. Like I said, I’ve tried to parent all my girls by getting inside their heads to figure what triggers certain reactions so I can better help them understand other ways of coping and expressing but her mood changes are so sporadic that I just don’t know what to do anymore and can’t figure what in the world would cause her to react the way she did or behave in that manner – absolute defiance and seems sometimes her only goal in the things she does is to intentionally irritate, hurt someone or make someone feel bad about themselves, and I hate feeling that way about my child.
For those with experience with older children, is this typical hormonal behavior? Is there perhaps some sort of behavioral disorder I need to see about (I’ve been told from some to check into ODD or ADHD or something similar, also)? How have you kept your sanity???
I'm sorry - I had to laugh because there are times I can tell also even when she isn't saying it. I don't have much time now but I will try and post more detail tonight.
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