Rage issues, I'm a terrible mother.

[Incubator]

I was just reading a few pages on a thread that is very old. It started out with some mamas explaining the rage that sometimes come over them, and some bad things they've done, but ended completely off topic, and I didn't see it as an appropriate place to put my own "confession"

A couple of weeks ago I had the worst night EVER that I have had with my son. I realised at the time that I was not really angry with him, but at my husband, since I was really feeling like I had to do everything alone, and not getting any help. DS was also in the beginnings of getting sick, and I was just getting over what he was getting, so I was in a great mindset to work up a spectaular rage and frustration.
I feel terrible, I have cried often about this since it happened. DS woke up about every 20 minutes all night long. I started out just being a bit rough with him, trying to make him stay still long enough to give him the breast, then him spitting it out and crying more, rejecting the paci, crying all night, thrashing and wiggling. After a couple hours of this I was really getting rough with him, I was grabbbing his legs and twisting him to try to get him to take the breast and go back to sleep. Another hour or so and I wanted to hit him. DH works nights, so I had no relief, no one to come in and just take him for even a second, and no one coming for hours, and it having been days since I felt like I had had any real help with taking care of him.
THen I started yelling "Shut up!" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "I hate you" etc... Horrible things. I am so ashamed.

And then I did the worst thing. THat I always said I would never do, I've never felt so terrible in my life. I slapped my poor, innocent son. He just started screaming more. I felt so shitty, but still so angry. I remember thinking to myself "how can you hit him? You're scaring him, he'll never trust you again after that, it's your job to comfort him, and fix everything, what the hell is your problem." I don't remember but I think I slapped him again, and then I just started crying. I just held my poor baby and cried. I was so upset with myself for hurting my poor son when all he wanted was for me to help him.

I cannot express how deeply ashamed I am, how shitty I feel, and how I wish so much that I had done something sooner to realise how frustrated I was getting and the buildup that was occuring before that night.

I really appriciate anyone who actually took the time to read this. Please don't put me down anymore, I'm only human, plus, trust me, I already know how to do it to myself better than anyone else.

[Soundhunter]

You can do this - as in change, heal your rage. I'm a work in progress, but it is getting better for me, I read a lot about this stuff, am now venturing into audio parenting stuff as well as mindful living cd's and recognize this as my opportunity to grow into a better person, with my children as my teachers.

Forgive yourself, vow to do better, and commit yourself to it.

[Incubator]

Thank you. All I need is for someone to KNOW what I did. I look at him now and can't believe I hit him. I love him so much.

[mowilli3]

Mama, could you be suffering from PPD? You need more help. You deserve a break. You have got to ask for someone to be on call to help you, even if that means that DH comes home early to give you some relief. I know that sometimes it's a matter of him working for the money, but money won't mean crap if you continue to feel this rage or if you act on it again. Please ask him for more help and find a way to get it. Good luck.

[Incubator]

I have. We are working on it. DH used to get defensive when I'd ask him for help. And I'd feel terrible that I was nagging him and trying to make him feel bad for not helping as much as I needed, and waiting too long until I was really frustrated with him before calling attention to needing help.

Since that night, DH has been much better about helping out. I told him, I don't need a lot of help, just a bit every day, just so I don't feel alone. It's not just one day that gets me, it builds up, the frustration and anger when I've had several consecutive days of getting no help. He's been very good about it lately. I find that I have no problems dealing with DS alone at night, however fussy he may be, as long as I have had help during the day.

As for PPD, i dunno, everything else is great, and most of the time this isn't a problem, and it has never been ANYWHERE NEAR as bad as it was that night. I don't feel depressed, just frustrated and angry sometimes.

[sincitymama]

I've felt that way too. I'm certain it's not ever gone so far with me, only because of the way my support structure is set up. Meaning, I'm more likely to have someone else around so I can leave the room. Or the house.

Now that you know it *can* go that far (and sleep deprivation does some scary scary stuff to the human body and mind) you will recognize it sooner next time. And you can take the opportunity to make sure Now, before it happens again, that you have a safe place in your home you can put your baby (crib, playpen, swing, gated babyproof room, something)for a minute or two while you collect yourself. When it gets that bad for you, it IS ok to leave him for a second in a safe spot. It's not ideal, of course not, but by that point it is the better option and I had to do it a few times when ds was younger.

You sound as if you've beat yourself up plenty(which BTW, I doubt a terrible mother would do) . All you can really do now is learn from it and use what you've learned to do better next time.

I hope that you can find a way to get better support soon. Even if it is just lining someone up that will be willing to answer the phone at any time of day or night so you can talk to someone, at 3am when you just can't handle it for another minute.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by sincitymama

I've felt that way too. I'm certain it's not ever gone so far with me, only because of the way my support structure is set up. Meaning, I'm more likely to have someone else around so I can leave the room. Or the house.

Now that you know it *can* go that far (and sleep deprivation does some scary scary stuff to the human body and mind) you will recognize it sooner next time. And you can take the opportunity to make sure Now, before it happens again, that you have a safe place in your home you can put your baby (crib, playpen, swing, gated babyproof room, something)for a minute or two while you collect yourself. When it gets that bad for you, it IS ok to leave him for a second in a safe spot. It's not ideal, of course not, but by that point it is the better option and I had to do it a few times when ds was younger.

You sound as if you've beat yourself up plenty(which BTW, I doubt a terrible mother would do) . All you can really do now is learn from it and use what you've learned to do better next time.

I hope that you can find a way to get better support soon. Even if it is just lining someone up that will be willing to answer the phone at any time of day or night so you can talk to someone, at 3am when you just can't handle it for another minute.

That happened to me one day when my oldest would not stop crying. He was about two months old, I think. I did everything. Nothing would soothe the poor baby. Finally, I just put him in his bassinet on his side, and went outside for a few minutes to breathe some fresh air, then went back in and the booger was asleep.

Yes, it could be considered CIO. I don't like CIO and never employed it as a normal part of our lives. But, at that point, it was either leave him for a few minutes, and get myself together, or I might have hurt him. And yes, I felt like the world's worst mother afterward. But, thankfully, my DH was understanding and told me that I am human, not a bad mom.

You are not alone.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by Incubator

I have. We are working on it. DH used to get defensive when I'd ask him for help. And I'd feel terrible that I was nagging him and trying to make him feel bad for not helping as much as I needed, and waiting too long until I was really frustrated with him before calling attention to needing help.

Since that night, DH has been much better about helping out. I told him, I don't need a lot of help, just a bit every day, just so I don't feel alone. It's not just one day that gets me, it builds up, the frustration and anger when I've had several consecutive days of getting no help. He's been very good about it lately. I find that I have no problems dealing with DS alone at night, however fussy he may be, as long as I have had help during the day.

As for PPD, i dunno, everything else is great, and most of the time this isn't a problem, and it has never been ANYWHERE NEAR as bad as it was that night. I don't feel depressed, just frustrated and angry sometimes.

I don't understand why your husband was defensive about parenting his own child and helping his wife deal with it.

[shayinme]

Parenting is hard, so many of us focus on the positives but nobody ever talks about those moments when you are feeling raw and tired beyond relief and you are a second away from losing it. I hope you are able to get the help you need.

Shay

[mamaduck]

I don't understand why your husband was defensive about parenting his own child and helping his wife deal with it.

Ditto this.

Inc -- I don't know if I can express this, or if you can learn it at this early stage -- its something that took me a long time to learn! If I am feeling that desperate, the best thing I can do is to resign myself to the simple fact that I can't control the baby. I can't make him sleep. In that situation -- you can give up and get out of bed. You can carry the baby downstairs, flip on some music, and make up your mind to surrender and just be awake. Just give up, and change the scenery. Its not ideal, but its a hell of a lot better than snapping. And then... before you know it, your opportunity for rest and sleep will come. Its amazing, but these chances to rest DO come along when you are least expecting it. Little windows of peace just when you need them. The trick is to surrender to the needs of the baby in the moment, and to TRUST that your moment will come... and to recognize it when it does.

I hope that wasn't gibberish.

[eldadeedlit]

I have problems controlling rage and have had almost the exact same experience. it is something i struggle with continuously, and my DH works weird hours too so it is a very similar situation. a few ideas.... maybe you could step out of the room for a few minutes when you are feeling angry? like even just go to the bathroom or something to calm down. i do that sometimes....

and something kinda weird that has helped me a lot several times has been taking omega-3s. it helps to just stabalize my moods a bit.

Good luck.

[nancy926]

Hugs mama. I hope you are feeling better.

I understand how you are feeling. I have yelled at my DD to shut up when all she was doing was crying because she wanted to nurse, but I was touched out and could not imagine allowing her to (it was 4 am, she'd been nursing nonstop since 10 pm, I was running on very little sleep). It didn't work, of course, it just scared her and made me feel awful.

And... depression doesn't always make you feel "depressed". You might be irritable, or angry, or more easily frustrated. All those things can signal depression, too. Depression doesn't always mean feeling sad/down/hopeless.

[eldadeedlit]

Originally Posted by nancy926

And... depression doesn't always make you feel "depressed". You might be irritable, or angry, or more easily frustrated. All those things can signal depression, too. Depression doesn't always mean feeling sad/down/hopeless.

[Marcee]

Trying to change things is the most important thing. No of us are perfect and we have all made mistakes.

[LynnS6]

Confession is good for the soul. I was in a very similar spot late last week - I spanked each of my children (different occasions), something I swore I would never do. Dh was sick and unable to help, ds was getting over being sick and being thoroughly obnoxious, and in retrospect, I was coming down with it (I've been in bed for the last 3 days). It wasn't rational, and it wasn't planned. It was like I lost all self control (I had, I suppose). It freaked my kids out, and I feel terrible. I was lying on the floor of their room that evening wondering how long it was going to take to rebuild the relationship.

Here's what I've done:
1. Worked harder on deep breathing for myself and removing myself.
2. Apologized to my children.
3. Look for ways to reconnect in very small ways, daily and hourly. Reading to ds on our bed (no way was I getting OUT of bed the next day). Sitting wiht dd on the bed listening to music. Singing together. Putting everything down and listening to ds when he talks.
4. Have faith that our relationship is strong enough to weather this.

And do think about PPD -- anger, feeling overwhelmed, etc. can definitely be a sign. As late as a year or two postpartum. In fact, anger and anxiety are the two most common PPD symptomes!

[Barb36]

Just wanted to lend my support. I know the feeling well, but fortunately my DH has always been there to know that I've reached my limit and taken over duties for awhile.

I agree that PPD can look the way you've described. I had it after baby #1 and it presented with extreme anxiety. But anger and irritability are definitely symptoms.

I would ask for as much help as your dh is willing to give. "A little bit" every day might be better than what you're used to, but you might need an hour or two here and there to really feel recharged and ready to jump in again. You shouldn't feel badly for asking for help...we absolutely aren't meant to do this alone.

You're NOT a terrible mother, you're human and reached a breaking point. I agree that walking away with baby in a safe place is a very good option at those time. Never feel badly about that...you're doing the best you can in that moment for both of you.

[jenP]

BTDT
Thanks for starting this thread, it is very helpful.
Thanks everyone for ideas on growing and changing (Soundhunter could you post some of the things you read?), please keep them coming!

Jen

[AngelBee]

Oh mama...... I am so sorry you went through this. How hard for both you and your baby.

You are not alone.

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I don't understand why your husband was defensive about parenting his own child and helping his wife deal with it.

I think sometimes daddy's can feel spread thin too. He just may not be good at vocalizing that.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by AngelBee

I think sometimes daddy's can feel spread thin too. He just may not be good at vocalizing that.

Well of course they can. They are human, too. But when your wife is terribly upset, and needs help, that is what you do. Help. If my husband were upset about something and I realized that he really needed me, I would put my needs on hold if possible, just for the time being. It is called being a partner.

Let me say that I am not referring to the OP's situation. I don't know if this is so in her home, so I won't pretend that I do. But....

I sometimes feel that in some cases, dads are given this "pass" because a lot of them are the main breadwinners and mostly, because they are male. That they should not have to parent, wash a dish, or sweep a floor, or even pick up after themselves. Yes, supporting a family is hard. I have had to do it when my husband was recovering from surgery and was laid off. We had two boys at the time, and they were quite young and didn't understand why they couldn't jump on daddy, or why mom was so pooped. I have been on both ends.

Even my own grandma, who, unlike her friends, had to work fulltime during the 1950s, while raising a family of 5 kids, cannot understand why women of my generation expect more from our spouses. "After all," she says, "They are men and men just cannot do for themselves." Such baloney!

Sometimes, for the other person, you have to suck it up and deal with yourself at a later time.