Rage issues, I'm a terrible mother. - Page 2

[oliversmum2000]

after a night like this my first ds was pulling my hair a real lot, he was 12 months old - i smacked his hand :

it is the hardest job in the world, but w can always try again, and again, and again, love always give us more chances

[WuWei]

Please check out this thread, "Parenting and Rage": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=394579

There is a lot of btdt and wisdom in it. And there are suggestions about finding alternatives to heal your own rage, give yourself the love you need, and how to honor yourself with the self-care that you deserve. Many have gained self-awareness and self-control through hearing the stories of other mamas.

Pat

[Cherie2]

my dd is a new mom and she has been having some rage this last year (not directed at her ds but some very serious rage) I got her some rescue remedy last week and could not believe the incredible difference it has made! she has not yelled or slammed a door since she has had it! I would highly recommend having some in your cupboard!

[fishface]

Subbing, working on rage issues of my own.

[riversong]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Here's what I've done:
1. Worked harder on deep breathing for myself and removing myself.
2. Apologized to my children.
3. Look for ways to reconnect in very small ways, daily and hourly. Reading to ds on our bed (no way was I getting OUT of bed the next day). Sitting wiht dd on the bed listening to music. Singing together. Putting everything down and listening to ds when he talks.
4. Have faith that our relationship is strong enough to weather this.

This is great advice. I have also had trouble with anger at nap and bedtime. If I yell or shove her away from the baby I always feel terrible. I try to remind myself that I need to heal things with her afterward and tell her I was wrong. The angry responses usually happen when I'm exhausted and doing too much by myself. Just take it day by day and look for solutions, which you've already started to do.

[Surfacing]

:

[Wugmama]

When I first started reading your post, I was thinking about how much I could relate. But then when you posted that you slapped your 9 month old baby, possibly twice, I realized how really out of control the situation because. I am not trying to judge you AT ALL, or make you feel bad.

I could tell you some horrible stories that have gone on in my own house. Just last month, I ended up going outside in my stocking feet (picture MN in January - snow!) while my 5 yr old and 1 yr old were inside crying. I had yelled at them both to shut up. I had tried calling my mom, at home and on her cell, left a message screaming into her voice mail that she better get the F* over to my house immediately, finally got a hold of my dh and told him to leave work and get home right now, which he did. I was on the verge of flagging down a neighbor driving by (that I don't even know) and asking her to come in and be with my kids as I melted down on the front lawn. Had I not reached my dh (and the neighbor wouldn't have been there) I think I would have called 911 and told them I was going to go Andrea Yates on my kids.

I didn't hit my kids though, knew I was totally breaking down, and did whatever I needed to do to get help - not for me, for their sake.

You CANNOT let it get to the point of slapping an infant. Find a safe place to put him down and get some fresh air before you let that happen. He is better left to safely cry than to be physically abused. You are SO NOT ALONE in getting to the breaking point and losing it. Sleep deprivation is so damaging to your body, mind and spirit. I hope you can learn to calm yourself better than I have been able to. But if you can't you MUST get help, for your baby's sake.

~Tracy

[homewithtwinsmama]

rage

I struggle with this sometimes. It is often sleep issues as well. Right now is a bad time as we have all been sick. Rescue Remedy helps. Walking away rather than hitting is better than holding them roughly. My community has a "Parents Warmline" that is a 24 hour hotline for parents who are in a bad place and need someone to talk them down from doing something bad. See if they have this type of number in your area. I would think about some PPD meds. But, also look online at EFT. Its a self help way of working through emotional issues. Therapy is great but expensive. This can be a way of healing yourself. Plus being on MDC is a great help!

Lorrie

[berkeleyp]

thank you for the courage to post about this. I guess others have in the past but i have often come here and felt very judged about not being a perfect parent in the discipline department and have never posted. I beat myself up because sometimes I lose it for a minute and yell at dd - it makes me feel so guilty and i always feel like "what is wrong with me?" I am generally pretty patient and connected with my daughter but sometimes it is like a monster comes out that i can't control. Anyway, you're not alone. Thanks.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Ditto this.

Inc -- I don't know if I can express this, or if you can learn it at this early stage -- its something that took me a long time to learn! If I am feeling that desperate, the best thing I can do is to resign myself to the simple fact that I can't control the baby. I can't make him sleep. In that situation -- you can give up and get out of bed. You can carry the baby downstairs, flip on some music, and make up your mind to surrender and just be awake. Just give up, and change the scenery. Its not ideal, but its a hell of a lot better than snapping. And then... before you know it, your opportunity for rest and sleep will come. Its amazing, but these chances to rest DO come along when you are least expecting it. Little windows of peace just when you need them. The trick is to surrender to the needs of the baby in the moment, and to TRUST that your moment will come... and to recognize it when it does.

I hope that wasn't gibberish.

I think this is great advice. It's all well and good to try and prevent the situations where you feel stretched too thin, but you've got to have a strategy for when you are, because you just can't completely avoid them in parenting.

[ShadowMom]

I'm so glad for this thread. Almost the same exact thing happened to me several nights ago.

DS just was not tired and *I* felt he should be winding down and go to bed (bad mama point #1). He kept wanting to nurse and nurse and nurse, and I just cannot stand the feeling of him nursing a lot of the time, it completely grosses me out (horrible mama point #2).

I got mad at him and didn't want him to nurse anymore. He got just furious... and soooo violent, kicking and hitting. I just couldn't take it anymore after a while. I went into the bedroom and shut the door for a few minutes... that drives him crazy, makes him feel abandoned.

Anyway, we ended up in this spiral downward and I didn't know how to stop it. When he finally started biting my breasts - HARD - out of rage, and wouldn't let go, I smacked him a good one finally.

God, I have never felt like such a horrible, crummy mother. I don't have ANYONE to help me. Period. There are just not options for me to get a break right now. When I'm not at work, I have DS, and that's it. Add to that a whole host of other things causing me to be stressed/depressed and it's no wonder I lose it sometimes.

I still feel like a horrible mother, but it was a wakeup call for me. I don't ever want to be that mama... I don't want to treat my son like a piece of crap. So I have been verbally a bit mean a few times but I've found a few ways to keep things from just escalating and escalating. A lot of it has to do with my own expectations/desires/needs, and expecting him to just know when I really need him to go to bed for a while... he can't know that, doesn't know that, it's not fair to expect that.

Anyway, DS needs me, so I've gotta go. But, I know what you're going through, mama.