So DS is 20m old now. I have noticed a lot of struggling between us lately, he has always been super sensitive to feeling manipulated, so we have always tried to use distractions and redirections (with really good success). Typically if you told him no, you might as well have told him "I will never love you again"
He has gotten very good at saying "No" in a pleasent and communicative way when we ask him if he wants to do something, or wants some specific food or whatever. He says it with a very matter-of-fact tone and has a great attitude about it (not the kind of "no" that is anti-communication, just very concise communication).
Well yesterday he wanted to play in the water in the sink in the bathroom, so he would ask to go potty, would pee, then would throw a devistated fit because I would say "Right now isn't the best time to play with water because it is cold and you don't want to wear clothes so you will get too cold" Or "It's time for playing with toys lets go to the play room" or "Lets go see your sister, I bet she would love to see you dance" or :you already played in the sink for an hour and you got so cold that you were shivering and you got mama all cold trying to nurse like that" All of those would make him throw himself on the floor and scream inconsolably
So a bit later when I was going into the bathroom... he likes to follow me and EC cue me and tell me that I peed. As we were going in I was asking him if he wanted a snack and he just gently said "No" shook his head and tried to climb up to the sink.
So I mirrored his exact tone and matter-of-factness and said "No" and shook my head. He asked a few times with his gibberish words and pointing about the sink (no fit, just communication) So I replied again with his friendly communicitive "No" Nothing condescending or desperate, no redirection no bargaining and he just got down and asked me to pick him up so he could turn off the light in the bathroom (part of our leaving the bathroom routine). Of course we ran off to do something else fun, but we didn't struggle about the stupid sink again the whole night...
I guess maybe I was just underestimating him. I think if he was verbal he would have been saying "I know all those reasons and I am willing to take the risk of being cold" or something simmilar, but when I just shook my head and said no he seemed to really understand that I just really don't want to do that right now.
I love positive phraising and I love "Getting to yes" but man this just seemed to make my son and I much more comfortable yesterday.
I am going to be super careful not to let "No" become authoratarian or anti-communication, but it is strange that we could never really tell him no and keep him happy before, but yesterday that was the only way to keep us both happy (the sink game usually ends in heartache even if he gets to play in the water).
This is a different kind of "No" it's hard to explain, but DW and I think that the most important part was that I said it without any anxiety or chaotic desperation, which often my redirection contains some amount of anxiety and desperation.
He has gotten very good at saying "No" in a pleasent and communicative way when we ask him if he wants to do something, or wants some specific food or whatever. He says it with a very matter-of-fact tone and has a great attitude about it (not the kind of "no" that is anti-communication, just very concise communication).
Well yesterday he wanted to play in the water in the sink in the bathroom, so he would ask to go potty, would pee, then would throw a devistated fit because I would say "Right now isn't the best time to play with water because it is cold and you don't want to wear clothes so you will get too cold" Or "It's time for playing with toys lets go to the play room" or "Lets go see your sister, I bet she would love to see you dance" or :you already played in the sink for an hour and you got so cold that you were shivering and you got mama all cold trying to nurse like that" All of those would make him throw himself on the floor and scream inconsolably
So a bit later when I was going into the bathroom... he likes to follow me and EC cue me and tell me that I peed. As we were going in I was asking him if he wanted a snack and he just gently said "No" shook his head and tried to climb up to the sink.
So I mirrored his exact tone and matter-of-factness and said "No" and shook my head. He asked a few times with his gibberish words and pointing about the sink (no fit, just communication) So I replied again with his friendly communicitive "No" Nothing condescending or desperate, no redirection no bargaining and he just got down and asked me to pick him up so he could turn off the light in the bathroom (part of our leaving the bathroom routine). Of course we ran off to do something else fun, but we didn't struggle about the stupid sink again the whole night...
I guess maybe I was just underestimating him. I think if he was verbal he would have been saying "I know all those reasons and I am willing to take the risk of being cold" or something simmilar, but when I just shook my head and said no he seemed to really understand that I just really don't want to do that right now.
I love positive phraising and I love "Getting to yes" but man this just seemed to make my son and I much more comfortable yesterday.
I am going to be super careful not to let "No" become authoratarian or anti-communication, but it is strange that we could never really tell him no and keep him happy before, but yesterday that was the only way to keep us both happy (the sink game usually ends in heartache even if he gets to play in the water).
This is a different kind of "No" it's hard to explain, but DW and I think that the most important part was that I said it without any anxiety or chaotic desperation, which often my redirection contains some amount of anxiety and desperation.
And I am not suggesting that your son has sensory issues - I'm just suggesting that you watch for them since this is something that seems to come up frequently.
