"I will bust his butt"

[jarynsmom06]

I hear this a lot from DP. I think sometimes he says it in a joking manner, but I really am worried about how I am going to discipline my child. He is only 10 months old now but I am still thinking ahead. As a child I could count on one hand the times both of my parents spanked me and I turned out pretty decent. My DP was raised that spanking is the ONLY way to get a child to "mind". I have told DP in the past that I think there are other ways to get a child to mind besides spanking but I don't even know what they are, I just know that when I think of spanking DS it makes me sad. I guess I am just venting somewhat. I need to read more on GD or get some ideas here on how you all discipline your children, maybe if I have some other ideas I can get DP to agree with me. I have dealt with children that have been spanked and children that haven't. My best friends little boy could probably get away with murder and she wouldn't do ANYTHING about it. He is a brat. I know that is aweful to say but I don't go around her much anymore because he is sooooo annoying. I know kids will be kids but he is just bad. She thinks he can do no wrong and lets him do whatever he wants. Breaking things, throwing things, hitting her ect. I also have a nephew that is quite "mean" for lack of a better word and he is spanked ALL the time. I just don't know how to handle this and I don't want to wait until we get to the point where he needs to know right from wrong and we but heads on what to do with him. Any suggestions?? I did tell him the other day that if anyone that babysat him ever laid a hand on him that would be the last time they kept him. I said this mainly because his mother is the one that thinks the spanking is the remedy.

[aja-belly]

definately stick around here and do alot of reading!!

hopefully you and your husband can work it out peacefully without your son ever being hit.

i can't imagine someone making comments like that about one of my babies. it makes me sad just thinking about it.

[phathui5]

What I would say if my dh had said that is, "I'm sure you're just joking about hitting ds, but it makes me uncomfortable when you say that. Could you find another way to kid around with him?"

[Malva]

If spanking isn't in your parenting toolbox, you won't use it. Having never ever been spanked, it's not something I would ever, in a million year, think of doing that to a child.

I agree with telling your DP how it makes you uncomfortable when he jokes like that. If I suspected he thought it was no big deal, I would also tell him that it's one strike, you're out: If you hit me or my child, we're leaving immediately without a second chance. Calling it spanking doesn't make it anything else than what it is: hitting.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Malva

If I suspected he thought it was no big deal, I would also tell him that it's one strike, you're out: If you hit me or my child, we're leaving immediately without a second chance. Calling it spanking doesn't make it anything else than what it is: hitting.

You might want to think twice about that. If her dp hits the child in a legal fashion, separating from him won't protect the child. If the courts give split custody, then the boy spends ends up spending half his time in the custody of someone who thinks spanking is "the only way".

[captain optimism]

There is an excellent set of "sticky" threads at the top of the forum, with websites and books that discuss gentle discipline and why not to use corporal punishment.

The main thing, for me, is the principle, "monkey see, monkey do." We know that children imitate their parents. Hitting them and yelling at them is bound to make a bad impression on them. If we don't want them to hit and yell, we can't model that behavior.

It doesn't count as "gentle discipline" if you don't guide the child's behavior at all, as with your friend who lets her child hit her. That's a terrible disservice to the child! We parents are our children's main source of information about how people behave! It's not all about taming them with punishments--it's about giving them the information they need to function and providing the best conditions for them to rise to the occasion.

You already know this about your ten-month-old--he needs to eat and sleep to be sweet and mellow and gurgly. If you let him get too hungry or tired, he's going to melt down--and you have to pay attention to keep him sweet. It's not like that ever stops being true of human beings!

Your best bet is to get lots of information about how children typically behave at different ages, and to develop reasonable expectations for what they should know how to do at a certain age.

[ShadowMom]

Mama, it does not sound like you and your DP are on the same page with discipline. You WILL butt heads over your son, he WILL act in ways neither of you likes. That's just a fact of life. There is a 100% chance that he will sometimes act horribly in terms of what people expect, that's part of being a kid.

If you DP says he's going to bust his butt, maybe it's time to have a serious discussion right now about how you plan to discipline your child. Because mama, truthfully, this was a BIG issue in me getting divorced my ex-H - we were never on the same page and I ended up feeling like I had to protect DS from him (and still do).

I really would encourage you to talk with him and make sure he knows that you don't feel that hitting your son is an option. He is saying the same thing his parents said, but hopefully by talking some more about it you can help him to break that cycle and think about what he really feels is right instead of using hitting as his way of handling things.

[jarynsmom06]

Thanks mamas...I will read what I can and talk to DP about it. I think if I have ideas of other ways to dicipline him he will be ok. He has never said anything mean when I say I don't want to spank DS. I just think that is the way he was brought up and he thinks thats the way. Hopefully I can change his mind and we can agree on this. We butted heads with vaccinations and so far I'm winning .

[mama2mygirl]

I think you should read up. It's a good idea to start when your baby is a baby.
That way you'll have a strategy in your head before something happens.

[GenomicsGirl]

I did a lot of reading and explained to dh why hitting was the wrong way to go. I told him that I didn't want an obedient child, I wanted a child who understood right from wrong. Of course, dh was an easy sell because his dad (like mine) was very heavy-handed while he was growing up and dh never wanted his kids to feel that hatred or fear towards him. It's hard to say whether your dh will change his mind ... this might become a real bone of contention between the two of you. All my friends (but a few AP ones) spank - so he's likely going to have the majority on his side, unfortunately. It's sad that spanking really does work well as a deterrent for a bad deed.

[AntoninBeGonin]

I try to focus on the relationship. If you're like me the end result you want, when the kids are grown and gone, is to have as strong a relationship then as you do now. Most of us don't feel that close to our parents and this sort of attitude is one reason. Tell your DP to put himself in his son's shoes. When he was a kid did he like hearing the people he loved most in the world were going to hit him, or were even thinking of hitting him? I know your baby is only 10 months but they're a lot smarter than we think My parents didn't spank very often and when they did they were pretty light handed compared to most parents but I still remember how horrible and stupid and worthless I felt whenever they made a comment about "Bust your butt" even when done jokingly. There are somethings that just aren't good jokes, ykwim?

I might add more thoughts later. I have some ideas swirling in my head but they aren't fully formed yet.

~Nay