About to lose it with my 5yo

[oceanbaby]

I don't know what's going on with him, but he has been nothing but selfish, demanding, sneaky, defiant and downright rude lately.

He ignores everything I ask him to do, he argues with us about everything. I can't take another morning toothbrushing battle. It is a nonnegotiable - he IS brushing his teeth. We've tried letting him pick when, but he just uses this as an opportunity to manipulate the situation until someone forgets. So every single morning it's a fight.

He has this thing about playfully slapping my butt. Okay fine, it's a game. But then I ask him to stop, and he just doesn't. We've talked about personal boundaries, that it's my body, etc., but he just doesn't care. He wants to do whatever he wants to do. He'll keep slapping it until I scream at him to stop.

He asks if he can have the rest of ds2's candy. I say no, that ds2 may want it later, so then ds1 just goes in and eats it anway. When I try to talk with him about it his only response is that he wanted it.

Everything is all about what he wants and he doesn't care about anyone else. DH has been recovering from minor surgery this week and ds has been completely unsympathetic. Dh will be in the middle of changing a bandage, groaning in pain, and ds will start bickering with him about more candy or tv.

I'm just really not liking him right now, and I don't know what to do. I am so so so so so so tired of arguing with him.

[LynnS6]

It must be a 5 year old thing. All of these behaviors sound familiar. And your post makes me feel better, in an odd way, because I just posted seriously worried about ds' emotional development because he was completely unsympathetic when dh and I were sick last week. His major complaint was that he couldn't use our bed to play his firefighter game!

The larger solution I'm working on is spending more one-on-one time with ds and trying to implement more playful parenting kinds of things. I'm also working on sleep (he's short on sleep recently and that makes his behavior worse), and diet. When we have less sugar and more protein, behavior improves.

For specific behaviors:

For the toothbrushing, I would set it up before something he likes to do - say TV time or something. Then until teeth are brushed, that doesn't happen. I also have to stand there and help our 5 year old, and he still whines about 'when will it be done?' Be very boring, and simply keep saying teeth. Put the toothpaste on the toothbrush, hand it to him and stand there until he gets it done. Less energy that way expended overall than nagging. Or, you can try playful ways -- brush your teeth together and see who can go the longest without spitting, or who can brush the most times, or who can go 2 minutes without laughing...

Butt slapping -- I'd put a halt to that game. I'd tell him straight out. I don't like it, and we have a problem stopping when I say so, so no more. Then, I'd treat it like hitting. If he does it, gently take his hand, look him in the eye and ask him to stop. If he does it again, in our house, that earns you a trip to your room until you calm down enough to listen.

Put ds2's candy away where ds1 can't get it. If he eats it, then he needs to make amends, and give up some of his the next time he gets some. At 5, he's old enough to begin to understand delayed consequences a bit. Or, if you think that candy might be contributing to his behavior, maybe eliminate it altogether for a few weeks.

I also find it helpful to have set times for both TV and treats. So, ds gets dessert, but he has to wait until everyone has finished eating dinner. For tv, he gets 2 30 min shows a day, and then he's done. As for the arguing, remember that you don't have to argue back. I spent a lot of time last week saying "I've answered that question already." "What was the answer to that question?" "I'm tired of talking about this, I'm going to my room to read. When you want to talk about something else, come find me."

[oceanbaby]

Thanks for your reply Lynn. I was pretty stressed out when I wrote my OP. And in hindsight today I realize that ds is probably stressed out too by the whole situation, because he's not usually like this.

We do some of the things you mention. I have also done the "I am done talking about this" but this child just doesn't let it go!

I think the one thing you mentioned that I have to get a lot better about is keeping calm. There are times I get way too worked up about the whole thing, and it just escalates the situation.

And yes, I too worry sometimes about ds's lack of empathy. I mean, one minute he is a sweet and loving child, and the next he is pushing his sick brother off the chair just to get a piece of bread.

[Satori]

I totally understand! I swear I was ready to kick my 6 yr old to the curb I was so fustrated all the time. We started doing the program from www.difficultchild.com and started seeing results on the 1st day. Might be something you want to look into

[mamaduck]

I don't make my 6 yo. brush teeth in the morning. Its a battle I have let go. He brushes before bed -- I'm going to make the choice to be satisfied with once a day for now. His teeth are fine.... never have any issues at the dentist.

As far as the butt slapping -- I would sit him down and tell him straight up that if an adult did that to you, when you said "no," that you would call the police to come help you, because its very serious to touch someone in a private area when they say "stop." I would tell him that grown ups can get arrested for that.

As far as candy and such -- for some kids, you just have to keep it out of reach. The temptation is just to great, and your guy has so little impulse control right now.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

I have also done the "I am done talking about this" but this child just doesn't let it go!

Oh, I know. "But WHEN momma? WHEN can I play a computer game/watch tv/get out of bed/eat something useless?" Over and over and over and over. It DOES drive me nuts. And I do have to work really hard on not escalating up with him. I don't always succeed.

[Eman'smom]

Originally Posted by oceanbaby

We do some of the things you mention. I have also done the "I am done talking about this" but this child just doesn't let it go!

.

Oh man how I hate this. We really struggle with our 5 year old on this too