Ugggg - sharing and the 20 month old!!!

[paniscus]

DS (20 months) has entered a new phase and I need help preparing some "catch phrases". I will try not to be too rambly but it is all a bit jumbled in my head.

So - Ds is developing more of a will and is becoming more adamant at getting his way. At the same time he is dealing with the many frustrations that his age/ability/verbal level forces upon him. Understandably this is hard on him and we try to work around this as much as possible at home -

HOWEVER, when we go out into social situations (LLL, storytime, etc) I seem to be floundering. Sharing is the biggest issue I think. I am not even really sure what I believe so I think that is causing me some problems.

I don't think the idea of sharing or taking turns is a developmentally appropriate concept. I also don't think empathy plays a whole lot into his decisions right now. I could be wrong about this and hopefully someone more knowledgeable will inform me. It is more of a gut feeling. So I feel he is acting appropriately *for him* when he sees a toy and wants it and tries to grab it even if someone else has it. However, this isn't *socially* appropriate and it isn't something we, as a family, value. I feel it is my job to teach him these things but I feel at a loss right now.

The techniques that most ring true for me are ones that focus on explaining, empathy, respect, etc. but when DS is all over the place playing with stuff - zooming from one toy to another, trying to get what it is he wants, etc. By the time I have finished my calm explanation of why he can't have a toy or why he can't shove someone away from his toy he is already on to something else. I feel like I need a quick little phrase that sums everything up. I don't feel I can say "he looks upset because you took his toy. what do you think you can do??" It also feels inappropriate to start in on a big explanation when ds is locked in the middle of a tug of war over a toy. I don't feel comfortable grabbing the toy away because that is the behavior I am trying to teach ds is inappropriate. I also don't like using a negative approach - "DS you CAN'T have that toy because . . . . " "DS you CAN'T shove someone out of the way because . . . " But that is what tends to fly out of my mouth before I can think of something else to say. I don't feel comfortable admonishing him in front of others because I feel it should be done in private but I can't take him away from the situation each and every time because that is not really practical - physically hard to move a mad toddler, occurrences are frequent in a social situation because his excitement level is high - and it feels a bit like a punishment to me.

Something else that also plays into it (but I wish it didn't) is feeling like I need to react in a *socially appropriate* way myself. Does this make sense?? I feel like I am expected to behave in the socially appropriate manner that my society dictates and a lot of that I don't agree with. But I don't feel comfortable with my alternatives . . . . I wish I could see more GD in action so those phrases would become my go-to phrases.

And another thing that seems to play into this is the age of "playmates." A lot of our social functions involve children of multiple ages. I try distraction with other toys but that doesn't always work when the other child is a 3 yo. DS is large for his age and also very developed physically (walking, running, climbing, etc.) so I feel people seem to expect more from him.

I have read a lot of GREAT books (UP, Kids are Worth it, How to talk so your kids will listen) but I just feel ds isn't quite ready for most of the techniques. Am I wrong?? Am I just not expecting enough of DS?? Or is my society just expecting too much of *him* right now??

Please help me with some ideas or thoughts! :

[Cujobunny]

FWIW ds (23 mo) has understood the words "taking turns" for quite some time now and has no problem letting other kids have their turn, and he'll have his when they're done. How long that will last, I don't know, but it can't hurt to try to explain.

However, if a child were to grab a toy from another, and the original child didn't care, I wouldn't bother explaining. If the original child got upset, I might take some time to talk to him but otherwise, it's futile, like you say, by the time you get it out, they're onto something else anyway :

[LynnS6]

"wait your turn" is short, quick and gets the message across. Our dd has understood this phrase since at least 20 months. OK, it helps that she's got an older brother but it's a concept she's got. It's also more appropriate, I think that sharing as a concept. We all need to wait our turn at times. At the grocery store, at the stop light, etc.

So, for toy snatching, you can say "it's XX's turn. We need to wait for your turn." Ditto for pushing, shoving to get ahead in line. Then take him and gently demonstrate where he should stand. Most kids his age just don't see the other kids, just what they want.

If he's hitting/shoving/barreling over other kids, then I find 'gentle' or 'be gentle with your body' works well.

While it's true that he's too young for the explanation to really sink in, it's good practice for you. Your explanations will get shorter and more targeted. "Wait, it's Ginger's turn. She's sad because you took her toy. We need to give it back." "Oh, gentle. Antone is waiting for the slide and you bumped him. We need to stand back here for your turn." Personally, I'd save the questions until he's a bit older. Right now a description of actions work well.

That has the advantage of telling him what he needs to learn, telling him what he should be doing and simultaneously demonstrating for other parents that you aren't just letting him push everyone aside.

[katallen]

Sharing isn't a reasonable expectation at 20 months. Neither is it appropriate for you to expect him to stay tuned in for a long explanation so try to do a short explanation or request (give the toy back, share the toy, here we share) if the other child doesn't quickly recover and get a different toy. If the child does get over it then there is no reason to go after your child to make him give the toy back, this is how very young children play because if they are happy the other child must be happy in their minds. If you feel comfortable bringing it up or asking the group how they feel about sharing your mind will probably be put at ease about the other mother's expectations and you won't have to chase your son all through the group play.

Try not to feel bad when mothers of infants are appalled by your child's behavior, they will be there in a few months getting glares from other mothers of infants right along with you!