how do you handle swearing?

[runningwithlola]

Today after a dr's appointment we were in a hurry to get home so DH could go to work. Had to make a very important stop at the store for some feminine products. Getting back in the car, DH asks me to take DS1 (almost 4) in to go to the bathroom.

So we go in the store and the toilet is too high for him to be able to stand up. Honestly, he probably could have barely done it, but I did NOT want his penis touching the toilet seat at all. So I insisted that he sit. He refused. He jumped off the toilet. I put him back on. We were in such a hurry, I somewhat tried to reason with him, I did tell him he needs to sit b/c it is too high, etc.
After jumping off and me putting him back on several times, he started saying 'f-you' to me. He was really mad.
I don't know where he got this phrase, we do not say it in this house, ever. I do use the f-bomb occasionally but not ever in that context.
I don't know what to do. He frequently uses this phrase when he is angry at us for stuff.

I tend to get really angry when he says it.. especially in public, he's never done that before. But maybe I should just ignore it so it doesn't get a reaction?

[zinemama]

Not to toot my own horn too much, but...

http://www.mamazine.com/Pages/feature72.html

[~member~]

At 4 years old, he should be able to understand if you gently explain that it is not okay and it is a hurtful phrase. Then back it up with, "I understand you are angry/hurt/upset. When those feelings arise, it is okay to say 'I am angry!'"

I would work on helping him convey his feelings in a healthy, respectful manner.

[~member~]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Not to toot my own horn too much, but...

http://www.mamazine.com/Pages/feature72.html

Do you have another link? That one is not loading.

[Nature]

Hmmm.... I honestly don't know.

We don't restrict words in our house, though they might on occasion say a swear here and there when they're frustrated, they've never directed it to anyone like F you does. They wouldn't even know that a swear can be used that way because they don't hear it in that context.

Just out of curiosity, is he in school? daycare? watching movies with that language in it? Children usually pick up what they hear, so it would be my guess that he heard it from someone, somewhere. Even if that wasn't at home.

[chfriend]

I try not to swear not always successfully. I'd have probably said something like, "Wow, you're really mad." And taken it from there.

I'm not usually at my best when I'm mad, and neither are my kids.

I probably wouldn't have interfered with my kid's toileting choices. What was your concern about his penis touching the toilet?

[Thalia the Muse]

I wouldn't say it's hurtful, because that implies that your four-year-old is hurting your feelings, and really that's a lot to put on him. I would say "those are not polite words, and I don't want you to use them. That's not an acceptable thing to say. I understand you're angry, and you can say 'I'm mad at you.'"

[LynnS6]

Well, I tell my kids that if they're going to use language like that, they have to (a) do it in situations where it's warranted (stubbing your toe doesn't warrant the f-word, dropping a gallon of milk on your foot does) and (b) it can't be directed AT people because that's not a polite or caring way to speak to people. So, I would agree with pps about acknowledging his anger and suggesting other words to say when he's angry.

They're generally pretty good about it, actually. I'm the one with the worst mouth in the house. :

Though, dd did have a priceless moment the other night. She still refuses to poop in the potty, so she's taken to pooping in the evening after her pull-up is on. She had her pull-up on (but no pj bottoms) and it leaked. We ended up with poop all over the floor and the peg board she'd been playing with. My response was an appropriate "Oh s**t" (that's what it was after all). Dh took dd upstairs to clean her up, and I undertook the task of cleaning the floor and pegboard. When she came down, dd found a peg I'd missed, picked it, took it to her dad and said "Oh, s**t, this one has poop on it too!"

[mamaduck]

OT -- I used to have the boys stand on my feet when they needed to pee in high potties.


As far as language... I would probably ignore it in the moment, and then bring it up later for discussion. I have warned my kids that while they are in the care of other adults (teachers, granparents, etc.) swearing will be taken very seriously and handled very sternly.

[Guava~Lush]

mamaduck,
I like your suggestion!

As for the language, I would follow what others have already said. Its not polite and that you could come up with different words together, or something.

I really cringe when I see little ones swearing.
My ds thinks the F word is Fat. and that the S word is Shut Up. Both of those words I cant stand either.

[SandraS]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Well, I tell my kids that if they're going to use language like that, they have to (a) do it in situations where it's warranted (stubbing your toe doesn't warrant the f-word, dropping a gallon of milk on your foot does) and (b) it can't be directed AT people because that's not a polite or caring way to speak to people. So, I would agree with pps about acknowledging his anger and suggesting other words to say when he's angry.

They're generally pretty good about it, actually. I'm the one with the worst mouth in the house. :

That sounds like us!

(I must tell a funny story about my 13 year old - he was in Lacrosse practice and got hit in the crotch very hard - he screamed FUUDDGGEE... well you know what I mean... and the coach had to supress a smile as he made him do pushups for the infraction... it was rather amusing!)

[AbbieB]

I too am the one with the sailor talk in our house : .

Occasionally DD, who is now 3, will repeat them. I usually just ignore it. On occasion I have pointed out it is not nice to use what ever word it is that she is experimenting with. After pointing that out though she becomes quick to call me out too.

I have found ignoring the swearing to be the best way for the word to fall out of usage.

I think if it was my child that said f-you in public I would have reacted with a "Whoa! That is not an OK thing to say. Try saying ..."

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies

Do you have another link? That one is not loading.

Huh, that's strange. It works when I click on it. You could always go to www.mamazine.com and do a search for "curses"

[~member~]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Huh, that's strange. It works when I click on it. You could always go to www.mamazine.com and do a search for "curses"

Maybe it was my computer. The link works now! Thank you!!!

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

OT -- I used to have the boys stand on my feet when they needed to pee in high potties.

That's what I did, too. If he didn't want to, you could try draping some tp there.

No advice about swearing.

[Jessy1019]

We allow swearing, and the only word dd uses with any frequency is a$$. She hears the others frequently, though, as I have a pretty foul mouth and little to no interest in changing the habit. My partner and I are pretty quick to direct them at one another in jest, as well . . . understandably not something everyone chooses to do.

I never understood why parents make a big deal out of swearing.

[levar]

When he was just learning to talk my son was playing in the tub and started to throw a fit ... "F$ck, F$ck, F$ck Mommy, Wanna F$ck!" Uh? What?! "Wanna F$ck wif Spoon!! Now!" Oh! A Fork you say?!?! Ok.

That is still about how I handle it. He is going on 7 now. I just look him in the eye, say "Excuse me? What did you say?" and he usually apologizes right away, etc. On Occation I say something mild like "No swearing". I do this when I hear other kids swear too. My personal "pet peeve" these days though is "What the." Drives me NUTS since I've actually had one smart-mouth in Kindergarden tell me that "What the." is not swearing. I told HIM that when HE was capable of teaching English Diction that THEN he could tell me what was what. Not before!!

Once I remember, about a year ago, having my son ask me Why Not Swear? So I explained that it is the way words are meant, not the words themselves that is wrong and hurtful to others. "Oh" by itself is just a word, but depending on how you say that word it too can sound like a hurtful swear word, etc.

PS. I actually feel that using 'swear' words in a 'loving' manner, as Jessy's family does, is AOK. Like I said, I think it is the way ANY word is used in a hurtful manner that better defines 'swearing'. And, visa versa, any word using in a loving caring way, etc, is not a swear word. swearword: n. A word used in an obscene, insulting, or blasphemous way.

[cdahlgrd]

I try to completely ignore it, if they are little. When they get to 3 or 4, we talk about how those words are not nice and mostly just for mommies and daddies to use (however, I may change that.)

However, it was really hard to ignore my 19 month old going around at Christmas (with the 'rents visiting, of course) saying, "oh, fu**" and "fu**er" at the gramatically correct moments, sigh. I thought he slowed down, but it popped out again today when he dropped his toy behind the couch. I am doomed!!

However, I also believe that there are times when it is appropriate to swear. . . my mom told me so!! (Of course, it was on a ranch while trying to move animals, not toward people. Ha ha ha!)

[Ravin]

I do not think it is inappropriate to tell a child that some words are hurtful. Just as they can learn not to hit because it hurts others, they should learn not to use certain language directed at others because words can also hurt.

My DD has uttered the occasional context-appropriate expletive (S--t), though "Oh, ma'am!" (to the tone of "oh, man!") is her preferred one.

Such a hurtful word directed at me as in the OP's context would probably get a stern talking-to the first time (once the potty situation was resolved). If it happened at home a time-out (as in, break from the situation, something which both DD and I occasionally call for) for both of us would probably be in order. If DH was around I might leave and remove myself from the child's presence for a few minutes to cool off before discussing it if it really did hurt my feelings.

As far as the situation with the toilet, if the child felt that strongly about not sitting down, I'd consider making it a policy of checking to see if the urinals in the men's room are low enough (and take him in there. Yes, I would shout-out before walking in but WOULD go into the men's room to accomodate my child). And make an agreement that he only had to sit IF both the urinals and the toilets were too high. An agreement worked out beforehand should help defray frustration on the spot.

If it was real close, might he also have been able to stand on mom's feet for a bit of a boost?

[~ATenthMuse~]

Luckily, I've only dealt with this a little bit. My kiddos seemed to try them out and then quickly forget. (And I am the one with the major potty mouth here.) I think the best thing I did was ignore it, once over that initial shock. IF they'd have directed those words at someone else, I definitely would have changed my tactics! I, for one, think *bad words* are just words and it's all in the context. Lots of the words that people use everyday, can be extremely hurtful. Major thing in this house, talk to people the way you want them to talk to you. If the "f" word ever came out after stubbing a toe, etc., no big deal, but NO directing at any living thing EVER.