young teen in cybersex trouble - Page 2

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by poppymum

She and her daughter already have a hard time relating and she doesn't want to put more distance between them, but she can't figure out what to do to keep her daughter safe, and her mama heart is broken.

Any ideas?

Yeah, one.

Get rid of the Internet.

Seriously. Sorry, but not only has the daughter utterly abused this tool, demonstrating again and again that she cannot and has not used it responsibly, she has contributed to her own exploitation and has really put herself at risk here should she decide to make any of these encounters IRL and not OL.

I'd also say that for a long time, she not be given access to computers with online access, period -- that she not be allowed to go to the library or a cybercafe or a friend's house without direct supervision. That might seem very harsh, but I don't think that exploitation is something anyone should mess around with, and especially not at thirteen years old. Bottom line, she is ignorantly exposing herself to genuine dangers here.

[Buddhamom]

Maybe she can get one of the conversations and knows someone who can pretend they are that man in that conversation and call her or go to the house and scared the beejeebers out of her.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by doulamomvicki

I just want to add something. I know I risk sounding old fashion here but I would never wish for my daughter or sons to have their first sexual experiences with some stranger let alone some stranger over the internet. It should be with someone they are in a mutually caring relationship with. Just my 2 cents.

I *SO* agree. My DD is very young, but I will be working as hard as I can to ensure this is the case, yet even without the Internet, it's too often not the case.

Originally Posted by Meg Murry.

Get rid of the Internet.

How? How do you get rid of it from her school, her friends' houses, her library, the cafe down the street?

Sort of like saying "Get rid of sex."

Better to have a talk then just pull the plug at home and pretend everything's ok.

[mirlee]

Since the girls were trying to cover their tracks, this is way beyond idle curiousity. They are way too young to understand what can happen to them. Right now they probably feel that what they were doing wasn't a big deal. It should raise flags in every adult! I do not understand where people think this is not a big deal. At some point they will really come to trust one of the "boys" they have been talking to. Then they will find out that he is "local" or "coming to where they are to visit family/friends/etc." Can we meet up? The girls will be excited. "Sure, of course we can meet up!" And it all goes bad from there.

In my world, this child, yes, child, has lost all privileges. The computer should be removed from her room. The only Internet access is with mom or dad present. ALL activities are under restriction until she can be trusted again.
Protecting Kids from Online Predators (NY Metro Parents Magazine

www.nymetroparents.com/newarticle.cfm?colid=6975

[MOMGOTSPUNK]

We live in a day and age where the mother is going to have to take away privleges to protect her daughter. This may result in an even more strained relationship temporarily. However, this is not the time to play nice. The internet predators don't play nice. Try watching Dateline some night, every one of those grown men have said they were teen-age boys just coming to meet another teen-ager. They didn't look very teen-age to me. The happy ending of Dateline, is at least none of those girls end up raped, kidnapped or dead. I am sorry to be harsh, but grave harm can come of these relationships.

[kittn]

Aside from the sexual aspect of the entire thing. My concern would gear more towards who she was doing these things with online. I know someone personally who would pretend to be 18-19 to lure in young boys 12-15. He was 31. He actually met one, and was arrested Christmas Eve a few years back he was ready with a fake ID saying he was 19, condoms everything
I think it is natural for her to want to explore her sexuality, but that isn't a great way to do it. She may think it is safe but it really isnt. it will only take one guy who gains her trust enough to get a phone number, address anything. and boom she's gone. Its scary but its so real.
I don't know that I have so much the issue with the idea of porn. I know some believe it's degrading to women, but then again they all get paid to do what they do. Personally I think it has it's place. however it may be giving her a skewed idea of what a woman should look like, should act like, etc.,

[Meg Murry.]

How? How do you get rid of it from her school, her friends' houses, her library, the cafe down the street?

Sort of like saying "Get rid of sex."

Better to have a talk then just pull the plug at home and pretend everything's ok.

Well, the OP just said that the mother pulled the child to HS her, so there goes school.

Personally, I think it's really easy to get rid of it from her friends' houses -- the friends come over to *her* Internet-less house to play, but not vice-versa. No extra money at all= no cybercafe, and no unsupervised, parent-free trips to the library.

Yeah, I think you could pretty much cut that down to nothin'. And that does, by NO means, exclude or preclude a talk. Believe me, if it were my DD, we'd be talking the paint off the walls.

As far as sex goes, it's a bit OT, but like inappropriate Internet use, you can't necessarily eliminate every opportunity, but you can make it damned hard to find one. It takes more time and energy as a parent, but it's part of the job.

[kwren23]

i dont know about where everybody else lives, but around here kids cant use the internet unsupervised in public locations. libraries: under 18 must have parental supervision to be online and there are some heavy blocks on thier computers that most 13 year olds cant hack around, internet cafes: under 18 can not use computers they must have id, schools? there is ONE chat program allowed on school computers and thats the schools chat program. students can talk to other students, thats it. parents have to 'allow' contacts that your kid can recieve emails from. the kids are supervised while one the computer and the computers are password locked so only the teachers can allow what can or cannot be accessed. i completley agree with what the PP said about it being easy to limit kids exposure at friends houses by having friends over to thier place instead. you can bet i would be talking about inappropriate usage of the computer with ALL of ds's friends parents.

[shanagirl]

I think the kids who are most likely to have problems with internet sex are the same ones who would have problems with 'real' sex-- all the stuff resulting from bad judgment, poor choice of partners, and poor understanding of what they are doing. There are plenty of kids who will have problems. Our friends' youngest daughter, always emotionally intense and vulnerable, got into a myspace situation where she wound up meeting and sneaking out with a 22 year old guy. She is 13 but looks much older, so I can't blame the guy for thinking she was 18. When our friends found out, they cancelled her internet usage and she simply refused to get out of bed in the morning. So at the age of 13, she is sleeping all day, a doctor is trying to fine tune medication for her, has diagnosed her as bipolar, and they can't even homeschool her. This is the kind of person who could never have sex on the internet and have it all be ok--she is way too vulnerable and it turned into a disaster.

On the other hand, another friend's son was being stalked by a girl two years older than him. My friend told her son he could have IM on the condition that she could monitor it from time to time. She is the one who discovered the stalker, who got angry that her son wasn't returning IMs and started threatening him. My friend's son, all of 12, was very relieved that his mother stepped in and told the girl she'd report her to the police if she didn't stop sending messages to her son. If his mother hadn't stepped in, he probably wouldn't have known how to handle the situation.

I do believe parents need to stay involved and monitor internet usage. I know I will when the time comes.

[anubis]

Originally Posted by bugmenot

Keylogging software.

If the password is changed, or email is deleted, that stuff doesn't matter. And the person being spied on, all that stuff is picked up on.


Of course, there is a morality issue involved, especially if you're open about everything else.

But once in a while, you need to overstep your own rules to keep your own family safe, KWIM?

I think keylogging software is a great idea. But I'd do it openly. I think the parents would really have no case if they went snooping about in a sneaky manner. How would you (not you specifically, general you) confront your kid after you'd found out they've been doing something illicit? "Oh, by the way, I've been spying on you and what I saw was disgusting." In doing that, you'd just hurt the trust in your relationship with them. I'd rather stop them from doing it altogether by telling them I am watching. I just don't see the benefits of being sneaky there. Your job is not to "catch" them, but to protect them.


I don't just think keylogging software is a good idea in this case, I think it's a good idea for pretty much every family with kids under the age of, say 16, of course depending on the kid's maturity. There is a risk involved in using the internet, whether it is to chat, email, or post on MDC. If someone decides they want to track you down, they most likely will be able to. Just as if someone sees you at the shops and decides to follow you, they can. How likely is it? Not very. We hear about a couple of things that have gone wrong when people have met online friends IRL every now and again, but for every one of them there'll be hundreds, if not thousand that resulted in a pleasant evening out, wonderful friendship, or, as with me and my fiance, a warm, caring relationship. I'd say your chances of being abducted and/or molested are greater if you go out to the pub on Friday nights.

From my personal experience (and yes, this is totally anecdotal), I've met maybe 20 people that I'd only talked to online before, and none of those times led to anything bad happening (in fact, a large proportion of my friends I originally met online), whereas I've managed to find the most utter nutballs IRL with no help from the net and ended up in abusive relationships with them. I think it's actually easier to charm someone up close than on the internet. You can lie all you want on the net, but it's got nothing on a good chat-up line and a sweet smile delivered IRL. Only if you're naive enough to believe everything anyone says online are you likely to get in trouble. That's not to say there's no risk involved, because there is. And kids should be protected and supervised online as well as IRL. I just think the issue has been blown way out of proportion.

[mommy68]

I think she should be thankful that her daughter is only doing this on the internet (hopefully) and that she can nip that in the bud by taking her computer privileges away. Who cares about a freaking email address password. The computer would be gone in a second if this were my child. The password wouldn't be needed because it wouldn't be used anymore anyway.

I mean come on, she's a little girl. There's no question here. Her mom needs to take the computer away from her until she can display some maturity in using it. She is obviously curious about sex and other things which is totally natural but she isn't reacting in a mature manner. She doesn't realize she could get raped or killed if she were to go a step too far and meet some strange man. That's all that really matters.

Sure, she will hate her parents for banning the computer time, but it might save her life. I think more parents need to stop being afraid they will upset their kids and put their foot down more often and be parents to them. Having a computer at any age is not a rite of passage for a teenager. Take the computer away from her and give it back once she displays some maturity in using it, whether that be next week, next month or two years from now sobeit.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Meg Murry.

Yeah, I think you could pretty much cut that down to nothin'. And that does, by NO means, exclude or preclude a talk. Believe me, if it were my DD, we'd be talking the paint off the walls.

As far as sex goes, it's a bit OT, but like inappropriate Internet use, you can't necessarily eliminate every opportunity, but you can make it damned hard to find one. It takes more time and energy as a parent, but it's part of the job.

ITA with what you said. I also agree that we would be talking the paint off the walls too. Why don't parents talk to their children anymore? I think it's funny that a parent would blame the child's peers and take them out of school to homeschool them and expect them to just be safe at home and not give any consideration to spending QT with them discussing sex and other issues so they don't get in a situation like this in the first place.