my 8 year old mentioned "sex" in school...

[dynamohumm6]

Alright, I think I'm probably overreacting here, but I need some help.

My dd asked about sex and babies and whatnot back when I was pregnant with ds. I told her the basics of reproduction...fairly detailed, but not over the top. She's a bright kid, I gave her what I felt she was comfortable with.

So today, she tells me that she said the "s-e-x" word in school. She asks me not to be mad. I tell her that it's not a bad word, but that she shouldn't say it in school. I ask her what happened - apparently her & her best friend "got married" today in class. They made each other rings and then afterwards, dd said to her "let's go make some sex". The teacher heard her and turned around and said "I don't want to hear that kind of talk". DD is REALLY REALLY REALLY upset about it. Like, devastated, mortified, crying, really upset. She tells me she feels "queasy" and can't stop thinking about it. When I asked her why she said that, she said that that she couldn't think of the right word - she had wanted to say "let's get a baby" or something to that effect, since they had just gotten "married", but she sad the wrong thing. We talked about it, I did damage control, I'm comfortable with our talk about it and how something like that isn't appropriate. She gets that.

What I'm really worried about is any possible fallout. Is this something the teacher is likely to totally misconstrue? Is it "inappropriate" for an 8 year old to know about reproduction? Is there something deeper I should be looking into with what she said to her friend? I'm really thrown for a loop here. My daughter is such a good kid, she's such a stickler for "rules" and being a good person, she really feels like she did something terrible. I feel so bad for her.
Should I do damage control and call her teacher? (my gut tells me no). Should I call her friend's mom and tell her about it (we are friendly, and her daughters take piano lessons from me). Any advice is appreciated.

[teachma]

Well, here's a teacher perspective (I teach 4th graders). I suggest you ask your daughter how she would like you to help her through this. Ask her what you might be able to do in order to make her feel more comfortable about going to school next week. You might want to mention that you are willing to call her teacher and see what she says. I certainly wouldn't do that without her wanting you to. It is perfectly reasonable to expect an 8 year old to know the word "sex" and to understand some parts of human reproduction, and the "marriage" game she was playing is also something I have seen my students do. I see no reason to call her friend's mom, again, unless it is something she wants you to do.

[BelgianSheepDog]

Tons of kids have a sibling or two by age 8, some girls are less than two years from getting a period, I sure hope it's not inappropriate to know some basics of reproduction!

It sounds like she's just really embarrassed because the teacher shamed her.

[MamaChicken]

My DS (8yo) knows the basics since I am PG right now and he is a curious kid. I'm sure he has shared all sorts of stuff at school that his teacher wasn't expecting (like an in-depth description of how lesbian couples can have babies). She knows that I am PG, so I'm sure she understands his facination.

The teacher could have handled it better, but I agree with a PP - find out what would help your DD, do it, then drop it. If you dwell on it, she may become even more self-conscious about talking about it. Pretty soon, you will definately want her to be comfortable talking about it.

[asherah]

Well, I think the teacher was COMPLETELY inappropriate.

And I absolutely would be having a talk with the teacher about it. If she can't handle a bright, curious 8 year old innocently mentioning sex, who knows what ELSE she is shutting down and shaming? That kind of thing is going to happen.. a teacher should know how to handle it appropriately. I'd be incredibly concerned about that teacher.

I agree about asking what dd needs in terms of support, and talking about the privacy of sex, and when it is and isn't appropriate to talk about it. But that was a learning moment, and the teacher COMPLETELY and totally blew it, in a way that would really make me concerned about her influence on my child.

[dynamohumm6]

Thank you for the comments everyone...thank you for justifying what I was already thinking.
I did ask my dd what I could do to make this easier on her. She did say that it would be embarrassing for me to talk to her teacher. She wanted to apologize to her friend, because she's afraid that she made her uncomfortable, I told her that was up to her, and if she needed help with what to say she could ask me.

We did talk about how it wasn't really okay to say that to someone, as it might make them uncomfortable (she knew that, and kept saying it was an accident). I also told her that it *probably* wasn't really appropriate to talk about it in school (because some kids might not know what it is), but that she didn't do anything wrong. Poor kid, she was really embarrassed about it all...I really tried to stress to her that it was NOTHING to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, and she seems okay with it today.

Thanks again!

[eviesingleton]

"When I asked her why she said that, she said that that she couldn't think of the right word - she had wanted to say "let's get a baby" or something to that effect, since they had just gotten "married""


Okay, this made me smile. I'm not trying to make light of your post or your concerns, but this really struck me as just an innocent moment of the funny and sweet things that kids do/say when they are playing grown-up.

I'm glad she's feeling better.

[mntnmom]

I think I would talk to the teacher and get her perspective. Maybe she knows she over reacted. At the very least it might help if everyone understands where the misunderstanding came from.
It really is sad that even with our sexually charged media culture, a perfectly appropriate mention of sex in a EDUCATIONAL establishment is such an issue.

[Jessy1019]

I would be annoyed at the way the teacher shamed her for mentioning it. My dd is only four, but she knows what sex is and talks about it sometimes . . . I would certainly expect eight year olds to know.

The only reason I would caution my dd not to mention certain things in school would be because of nosy teachers going off the deep end and thinking she'd been sexually abused simply because she was knowledgeable. It seems a lot of people are quick to make that leap, and I think it's often inappropriate.

[dynamohumm6]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

The only reason I would caution my dd not to mention certain things in school would be because of nosy teachers going off the deep end and thinking she'd been sexually abused simply because she was knowledgeable. It seems a lot of people are quick to make that leap, and I think it's often inappropriate.

this was exactly my fear.

[Viewfinder]

My dd is eight, too, and

I think that she would be very easily shamed at this age. I've explained plenty to her about sex and all that good stuff, but her age just causes her to jettison a good bit of it from landing permanently in her mind. And then she mixes what she does sort of know with whatever other kids are sharing and seems to arrive at her own idea of what's what. And it changes, to the point that I wonder if anything I myself told her landed at all.

I hope you did tell your dd that she was actually speaking correctly, that sex and making a baby are the same thing (or can be, but then you might have to get into the whole menstruating and egg stuff... jettison, jettison, jettison). One thing our kids are really concerned about right now is gauging where they are on the "INFORMED/NOT INFORMED scale. But they don't want much information yet. I almost think it's better for them to hear stuff at school where they can laugh or be horrified with their friends, all together, sharing in the feelings of shock and surprise and whatever else it is we all felt.

If she does feel uncomfortable about it after she goes back to school this week, maybe you could have her write a little note to her teacher explaining in print what she was meaning to say and how it got mixed up in her head. Because sometimes just writing it down like that, in a letter form, actually relieves the person of the unconscious weight and all is okay somehow.

VF