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Splitting with DP... *NEW UPDATE*-He changed his mind.

post #1 of 54
Thread Starter 
:

It's time for Dp and I to split once and for all.......

HE rolled over this morning in bed, cuddled me and said "I'm going to look for an apartment today"

Seems he brings up how "miserable our relationship is" about every other week or so and we have the "we should part ways" thing every three or four months.

I didn't know our relationship was so miserable... I'm not so miserable about it!!! I love him, I love to seem him... I'm beyond devestated... and three and a half months left to go... SAHM...

He offered for me to stay here, in our *NEW* apartment... we moved in less than a month ago. He offered to pay my rent. But I dont want him paying my rent... it doesn't seem right... child support is not ex-fiance support. Rent is $825 and I need to go back to school if he's leaving me... I need to get a career so that I can some day support myself and my two daughters...

I'm so scared... sacred of being alone, scared of having a baby and raising a baby alone... some people in life are afriad of commitment and I'm afraid of having no one... we've been together almost 5 years... I'm sobbing right now and I took off my engagment ring tonight...

Mamas... what am I going to do???
post #2 of 54
I've been there mama and it isn't easy but you will make it. It may be hard to see the light right now but it is likely for the best. You deserve someone who will wake up in the morning happy to see you and accept you for who you are. When you're ready come on over to the single parenting forum, I have gotten so much support from the women there over the past 3 years while dealing with my own divorce. I'm sure you will gain strength from them too.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this
post #3 of 54
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post #4 of 54
"He offered to pay my rent. But I dont want him paying my rent... it doesn't seem right... child support is not ex-fiance support."

I'm not sure I get it- why would paying to house his kids be ex-fiance support? I am not sure what does not seem right about it. Not wanting to be with you is one thing but he should feel responsible for taking care of his own flesh and blood. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve a happy mom who is appreciated by everyone including her mate- so keep that as a separate issue from the financial responsibilities this man has to the children. In the end it might even be better for your daughters to not have to be in a household where there always seem to be a threat of someone leaving which sounds like the way you guys have been existing for sometime now.
So- ^^%@#@*&^&@^ him. You deserve better for yourself and for your kids and when he offers to help out (as he should) don't think of it as a hand out but as his duty. You are doing your part by nurturing your baby and being the constant in your kids life - he should do his. ON a side note - although you are not "officially" married- per a ceremony/piece of paper/etc- you know you are married right? In most states that's already married and he still would be obligated to provide child support and alimony. Just a thought especially if you are just starting from scratch and have three kids to support. Anyway, that is my two cents.

You are a lot stronger than you think you are. Everyone is actually.
post #5 of 54
Oh honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are in my prayers.

Please try to get him to commit in writing or in front of someone to his financial obligations now, before he decides it isn't his problem. Consult someone with legal training sooner rather than later. Child support is his obligation, and it is your baby's safety net.

If he signed a lease with you, he is legally obligated to pay the rent, at least until you can make reasonable accommodations (move or get a roommate.) DO NOT LET HIM OUT OF THIS OBLIGATION. Every $825 (or even $412.50) you can save is another $825 you can use to shelter/feed/warm your children a few months from now.

Don't do it for yourself--do it for your CHILD who deserves shelter and food. Your feelings may make this difficult right now, but too many guys who have the kind of commitment issues you talked about previously "forget" their obligations really quickly.

I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but any "man" who can walk out on a pregnant woman is completely unworthy of your love and respect. In the end, as far away as it seems, you will be better off because you will have room in your life for a real man who understands commitment and is a trustworthy life-partner for you.

Living with a scoundrel is worse than being alone. I went through a terribly painful breakup many years ago from the first man I thought I would marry. Every day now, I thank God that it ended BEFORE I'd been tied to him by law, BEFORE we had children, because now I understand what it is to be with someone who really wants to be with me, who is trustworthy and honorable, and in whose hands I can fearlessly place the care of our child, the most precious gift God has given me in my very fortunate life.

Please PM if you want to talk, or keep posting here, or whatever helps you. Cry and scream if you want to. Get it out. In a few days, try to find some counseling so that you don't consider returning to this person if he attempts to reconcile. When you are ready, try reading "Exorcise Your Ex"--it is a great book for getting over a bad relationship.

God bless you, sweetheart. Be strong for your baby. Tell us how we can help.

--willo
post #6 of 54
Mama!

I am sorry this is happening to you right now.

Like other has said, if you need anything I am happy to help!
post #7 of 54
Aw no, sweetheart, what a blow! And at a time when you really needed to be able to count on him, too. I don't suppose there's any hope that marriage or individual counselling could help bring you back together? You don't mention that you've seen anyone, and a lot of counsellors have sliding fee scales to help out folks who don't have a lot of money. Or maybe your insurance would cover it? Even if it's just for your girls' sake, it has to be worth a try.

In the meantime, if there's anything I can do, let me know. I don't have a lot of extra cash, or any extra baby gear lying around, but I sew for a living and can put a mei tai or sling together for you, if nothing else.
post #8 of 54
I'm sorry mama. Keep posting/venting/asking, you have a community of support here.
post #9 of 54
Thread Starter 
Thanks guys....

I KNOW you guys are right about so many things but it seems like some how this whole situation is different.

He's not trying to run out on a pregnant woman... I think I encourage it more... I feel like it would be easier now than another year from now. If it's going to happen eventually, better sooner than later you know?

At the risk of sounding as foolish as I am I will tell you all that he has cheated on my on and off for at least the first two years... each time I went to leave, he begged me back and promised me he'd never do it again. (Please... I KNOW how stupid and foolish I am for believing all this but I really truley love him and I know parts of him love and care about me too, just not the way a spouse should)... I dont bring this up to discuss the cheating, it's just the fact that for soooo long, when we had nothing to lose by seperating, he begged for me to come back. And now.... now when we have (what feels like) Everything to lose, I'm some how not good enough for him.

Guys, I feel sooooo inadequit (sp?). Like I'm just not good enough some how.

I DO have a place to go. I can stay with my parents. And although it's not the most ideal living conditions, one little room for one mama and two girls, it's still a place to live where I wont be burdened by extreme financial obligations and can focus on school and getting independetly on my feet.

He's not happy about me going to my parents because he knows how small and cramped it will be and he knows how stressed out I can get by my folks. But I really feel like it's the most economical and logical place to go.

I will get his financial obligations in writing but I really feel like he's not going anywhere. Although he's not not home enough (imo) he does ADORE his daughter and the thought of not seeing her or having her here with him every morning is a difficult one for him.

I know I want him in our daughters lives but the thought of never really being able to "rid" myself of him scares me a little. I know part of me will always love him and I also know that for the rest of my life, I will always see him.

Guys, thank you so much for being here!!! I need you guys so much!!! My best friend is HIS sister and although I have no intention of not seeing her anymore, she just not as nurturing as you guys. She's a very strong woman and spent the first year of her sons life split from her dp, so she knows the deal... but... well you know.
post #10 of 54
im not in your DDC but saw your post.

first, s to you. this has to be a very difficult time. especially while pregnant. taht is never easy. i hope you have someone to support you (emotionally) through the birth that you can trust and that will be there for you no matter what.

re: child support. that obligation is for the care of your children..their shelter, clothing, food, etc. It DOES cover rent. Before you make any rash decisions, you should seriously consider the health and well-being of you and your dd's. If you go back to school, where will you study if you are living w/ your parents? Will you really be able to handle living w/ them (since you mentioned they upset you a bit).

Not trying to stick my nose where it doesnt belong, but don't handicap yourself unnecessarily. Your rent is not that expensive and if he can afford to pay it, you should seriously consider accepting while you are in school at least.

Good luck. I KNOW this is so hard to go through. I have been there (my stbx left the first time in 9/05 and our baby was born 1/06...he came back before the birth but that was actually a mistake).


rach
post #11 of 54
Oh, honey, I know how much you're hurting right now. I still really, really recommend counselling - you have kids together; no-one gets a free pass to walk away anymore. You knew he was cheating, and you chose to have children with him anyway; you both have to try every way possible to fix this now, for their sakes. They didn't ask for this.

I'm so glad you have somewhere to go where you have a support system - it just about killed me to think of you alone and struggling over the next few months! Don't rush into anything irreversible, though - I've heard it said that you should never make any major life decisions in the year after a birth or a death, because so much is in turmoil.

Could he just be scared about how having another baby is going to change your lives again? He sounds young and a bit immature; growing up is tough, especially if he feels alone or unsupported. Is he confortable reaching out to his family for support as well?

The other major thing is to protect yourself and your interests. Do you have joint bank accounts? Joint credit cards? Call the bank today, Monday morning if they're not open today, and see what you need to have a formal note on the accounts about the separation. You don't want to be responsible for any debt he might rack up while you're separated, especially if he is going through some kind of crisis and goes a bit nutty. Get him to put his obligations in writing, absolutely - maybe that'll make him see what divorce would really entail?

And remember, more than anything, that his relationship with you as a spouse has nothing to do with his relationship to the girls as their father. Some people are great at everything or awful at everything; some are great spouses and crummy parents, and some people are great parents and crummy spouses. You still need to coparent with him for the rest of their lives. He will always be their dad. And it will never, ever be easy for them, no matter when you split. They will always want to know what they did wrong to make daddy go away; kids are really good at thinking that everything in the world happens because of them, no matter how often they're told otherwise.

I'd also suggest checking out the forums at Surviving Infidelity. The folks there have been through everything you can think of with cheating partners - some split, some reconciled, some are working on it - and they'll have really good advice for you on whatever you end up deciding to do. There's a bunch of good articles to read there, too.
post #12 of 54
Everyone else has said everything I could think of- but I wanted to offer you a I teared up reading your story. Know that you are a wonderful person, your ex is the one who is unworthy. Do all you can to take care of yourself and your children, both physcially and emotionally right now- its very hard to love and care for ourselves when going through something like this- but you have to take care of that baby on the inside.
post #13 of 54
Oh lady! I'm so sorry this is happening to you

I can't think of anything thing to say that PP's havn't already said but I just wanted to tell you that I really feel for you

The only advice I would give is to make sure you start a case at your local child support agency. I know this might sound a little wacky, but you'd actually be doing him (and certainly your girls) a favor by starting this early. I don't know NY child support law but I worked in California Child Support and I can tell you that if you were ever to fall onto hard financial times there and require any kind of assistance you would have no choice but to file a case against him to get aid. The agency would then tag him for backpay starting from the time you split up and he could end up owing megabucks to either you, the state, or both. It's all kind of complicated and I'm sure you've got a lot of other things on your mind right now, but since he's offering this would be a really good time to address the money issue amicably.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this
post #14 of 54
Hugs mama....I'm so sorry it's come to this.

I agree with a pp about seeing a therapist but I think it should be therapy to help you deal with everything that is and has been going on (I remember your earlier thread)...You are an amazing, strong, capable, caring woman and you deserve so much more than this! Don't feel bad that you gave him so many chances, or guilty for loving him, or put yourself down...but DO realize that no matter how you feel about him, he may just not be able to commit to the sort of life relationship you deserve. And that doesn't mean you should have "seen it coming", or been less forgiving, or deserve this stress in ANY WAY!!! Sometimes people get into "roles" and just keep going and going...and then something happens and they realize that that "role" really isn't them. And sometimes they just give up that role and almost seem to become someone else overnight. For your own sake and for your children, it may be better that his role as a friendly coparent and loving father start now and that neither of you try to rebuild a more intimate relationship.

One of the mamas in my dd's "month" group here at mdc went through something similar (even going back to school after being a SAHM for almost 2 years)...she found a ton of support on the single parent forum here at mdc, and she spoke with a local therpist associated with their social services department and was given a lot of help. There are resources in many communities aimed at helping mamas get back on their feet after relationships change...and some wonderful people in every community who really, truly, want to help. It can take time to find them, but ask at a women's shelter or women's community building, or visit the social services office or a Family/Children's support organization for help.

Big hugs mama...you deserve peace and joy and happiness now and in the future. You're in my thoughts...
post #15 of 54
WhiteWax,
I'm just so sorry for you and your girls. I hope that over the next hours, days, weeks, months and years you all are able to find peace and happiness in constructing the family arrangement that works for all of you and brings you the happiness and support you deserve. As many have said, please don't hesitate to ask for whatever you need (as you all can too I am sure, I can sense the power and resources this group of women have among us), both physically and emotionally. I don't have nearly the logistical experience some others have about the concrete steps you should start taking, but I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
post #16 of 54
Oh, WhiteWax, this is really a lot for you to deal with, especially right now. I wish you all the best with sorting out the next steps to take, and I'll be thinking of you and your girls. You really do deserve someone who'll love and respect you consistently. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this difficult time.
post #17 of 54
I can't think of any further advice than what has been given, but I wanted to post and let you know how sorry I am you are having to deal with this now. When I finally decided to split from my emotionally abusive, borderline physically abusive, chronically cheating ex (we were married for three years and together after that for another year - I know, what an idiot, right??), I thought I couldn't survive. Literally, I felt I had a huge hole in my body that my life was leaking right out of. But, I knew it had to be done. I kicked him out, started to go out again, and only a few months later I met the man who would become my DH. A kind, wonderful, loving man who is everything I DESERVED. Even though your life seems to be ending now, you never know what is right around the corner. Sometimes crap things really do happen in order to prepare us for better things. , and feel free to pm me at any time!
post #18 of 54
i am so sorry you are going through this now. Pregnancy is such an emotional time anyway.
I agree with the pp, therapy might really help put it is persepective and stop you beating yourself up about it.
Also afree that him paying rent is part of child support, you don't need the burden of school etc right now, maybe later but look after yourself now
post #19 of 54
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I agree with the pp's, take care of your children and yourself, if he is even considering leaving you, then he is absolutely not worth the hassle, this seems hard right now, but you will come through, and this could even turn out to be a major blessing. Staying in a bad relationship could be worse on your kids than slpitting up, in other words you could be saving them a lot of heartache down the road. Good luck momma, you will survive!!
post #20 of 54
I also think that you should take any money or payements that he is offering. You are pregnant, so it's not like you can run out and get a job any time in the near future, he needs to keep supporting you until you can get on your feet.

In my experience, things can go from civil to ugly REALLY fast. My own ex was nice to me in the beginning and offered to help me financially then suddenly he got a new GF and all of that changed and he left me with nothing at all. I'm now having to fight for my share of the business we started together (with my 401K!). It's been 3 years that we've been fighting over this.

So, take what you can get, you'll need it to care for your children. Don't feel bad about allowing him to pay rent, he would be paying it if he didn't decided to leave. I regret not taking help from my ex, I had to go on food stamps and medicaid because of it.
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