Splitting with DP... *NEW UPDATE*-He changed his mind. - Page 2

[Cygnet09]

I am so sorry. Could his timing be any worse???


Please please please please take any and all support you can get from him. I know that the mere sight of him must be a painful combination of longing and loathing - but the best thing would be for you to retain the place you have now. If living with your parents wuld cause you even a smidgen of frustration or aggravation, you should not live with them. You have enough to deal with between grieving over losing him and nurturing your children and this new baby. You will have nothing left over to spend on a difficult living situation. YOU are the most important and cherished person right now. By taking care of yourself, you will be taking care of those who depend on you.

I thought this was an interesting link. I'm sure your DP isn't quite this intense, but from what I remember from a previous post you made, it does seem as though he has some qualities. Maybe this will help you to let go with a little less pain. I hope so.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html

Please take gentle care. Our thoughts are with you!

[Jilian]

BTW, how are you doing mama? I hope you have family and friends nearby to lean on for support right now.

[WhiteWax]

LOOOOONG (sorry) update

Thanks guys...

I don't know really how I'm doing... I seem to be getting abit more confused about everything!

I came home the other day to find a two page letter on my bed (DP was out picking up DD). And What i read pretty much infuriated me. I was mad at the things he wrote and felt like he was soooo audacious for everything he said!!!! It was alot about how I dont keep up with the house and how mad that makes him and how it makes him not want to come home. About how I "whine and complain" alot when he does finally come home (I get ticked that he works such late hours) and some other generic BS type stuff that are simply stressors and wreaking havoc on our relationship.

At first I was just so mad! I sat done and started writing a letter back to him and the gloves came off!!! I talked about dealing with his Anxiety problems and how hard that was for me and how he doesn't do the things he says he'll do and how selfish he can be.

When he got home DD was napping so he brought her in a i "read" (yelled-ish/talked loudly AT him) the letter I had written and he listened intently and seemed to get why I was so mad. We ended the fight/conversation on excellent terms and he cancelled his "night with the guys" to be with DD and me.

But you know the whole thing got me thinking... I've been so caught up in how he hasn't grown up (we had DD at 19*me*and 20 *him*) that I never stopped to think about all the aspects where I haven't grown up.

Any time we fight I'm tired of it and always seem to bring up leaving eachother.... almost like I'm not really even trying to make it all work in the first place. I dont take care of the house the way I should, and I while I still stick to the cold hard facts that He has very selfish ways and needs to help out more, I also finally realize that I'm not so blameless in all this.

I want to work things out with him... really truely try to "grow up" (in my own words) and get everything together.

I've been so gung-ho that if we're going to split that it would be better now than 6 months from now... but would it? Would it really be better for me and every one else if I left pregnant and cramped myself and kids into one room of another stressful house? I guess not... I dont know...

We've talked alot and I think we might have worked something out... he's stopped holding things in from me for fear of hurting my feelings and has agreed on some steadfast changes...

we are also looking into counseling and he is starting medication (started last night) for his sever anxiety and panic attacks.

Am I crazy????? Should I not be giving this another "go"? Am I being week for wanting to try again to work this all out? I feel different some how. I've really realized some things about myself.... what I need to do to be happy with myself and ultimatley happy in a relationship. Can we make this work? Are we foolish to still try? Feedback? either way.... no holes barred ladies, I can take it!

[mataji4]

I don't think that there is anything weak in wanting your relationship to change, grow, and endure. My advice is that as long as there is movement towards what you are wanting, and that he is part of that movement, then it is worth trying.

I am glad to hear that he has agreed to counseling, that he is willing to listen/HEAR you, and that you are trying not to make a rash decision. It's also great to hear you taking responsibility for your part.

The housecleaning thing is a big deal in most relationships, and I have seen a lot of disgruntled husbands really infuriated that their wife, their "housewife" wife can't even get the dishes done and dinner made so that they want to come home! If I put myself in their shoes, I'd feel exactly the same way. I can usually have the house in order and nice when he comes home, and it feels really good because he is so happy. Then our time together starts out on a good note! When he has time on the weekends, he does help out with housework, but he is home so little during the week that I realize it's my job then. (**Oh, and so much of it is about *attitude*! If I get the work done but then complain about how hard everything is when he walks in the door, he feels like I'm just hitting him with all this negativity about my life and he hates it. So it's about doing the work and enjoying it. He is at work all day so that I don't have to be, so I have to remember to be grateful for my life!) Just my perspective.

[sally Z]

hope things work out for you guys, talking is a good start

[aisraeltax]

its never foolish to try and make a marriage work, as long as teh 2 ppl are working toward teh same goals.

and yk, sometimes it works.

good luck. i do hope it works for you.

rach

[Corri]

Oh sweetheart, I'm so glad! [mad applause] It is a HUGE step to accept some of the responsibility like you did, and to talk about it together instead of running away. I am SO proud of you! [standing ovation]

I've been so gung-ho that if we're going to split that it would be better now than 6 months from now... but would it?

It's impossible to tell, but I don't think so. You'd be exchanging one set of stresses for another, and at least you have an idea about how to go about fixing the current ones. And not moving right now will be so much less disruptive for your DD, especially with her little sister coming!

I'm sure this is going to be tough, but I have faith that you two will find your way back to each other. You've made the first step, which is so huge! At the very, very least, if you do end up splitting up after all this, at least you'll know in your very heart of hearts that you did everything possible to make it work. You won't ever have to second-guess yourself about 'did I leave too soon.'

You were so young when you started (hah - listen to me! I was 19 when I started dating my DH, 23 when we married, but I sound like an old woman. ), it only makes sense that you'll both have a lot of growing to do, and it can be so tough when you feel yourself growing in different directions. This is gonna be tough - no two ways about it - but think about how strong you'll be together when you see what kind of storms you can weather as a team!

I'm rooting for you, babe!

[MichelleAnnette]

That's great news! Your whole family will be happiest if you guys can have a good marriage. I don't know what your religious affiliation is, but the book Love and Respect is a great marriage counseling book if you are Christians.

[willoLevin]

Of course you should look within yourself and do whatever self-improvement you can. You should be doing this for YOURSELF first, and your partner second.

I hope that you guys can follow through on getting counseling, certainly as a couple, and probably individually, too, based upon the kinds of issues you've mentioned here. You will probably learn to be better parents, too, just as a side benefit!

And I'll add my two cents about housework...

I am a SAHM. I'm a great wife in the "romantic partner" sense (loving, attentive), a great parent to our son, and I do a wonderful job managing our finances and investments. (I'm so proud that, staying home, I've managed to create our tiny investment portfolio!) HOWEVER, I'm a really, really poor "housewife". I make efforts to keep on top of the stuff that matters most to DH, but I have never succeeded in keeping a really clean, organized house with more than minimal dinners on the table at the end of the day. I have pretty low physical energy, though my mental/emotional energy is pretty good. We've learned to balance this in our relationship, because, try though I might, I don't believe I could ever be excellent in this one regard. I'm simply not talented in this area.

It might be worth spending time (in therapy?) working out what your DP's priorities and expectations are regarding your "job" in the home, then balancing that with your skills and expectations for yourself.

Some solutions are simple but easy to miss--like my husband is really fine with having salad or fruit for dinner since he eats his main (hot/protein) meal at lunchtime. I was going crazy trying to cook him dinner during my most frazzled, exhausted time of day when all I needed to do was take out a bowl of something I'd washed/prepared earlier! I can't get the whole house picked up, but I can keep DH's favorite chair clear so he can plop into it upon arriving home. I've also learned that DH, like many (most?) men REALLY NEEDS about 20 minutes to decompress upon arriving home before he's ready to hear about my day. (Most women seem to want to talk immediately.) Giving him these few minutes of peace makes his whole evening better.

Good luck, and God bless you both. I really wish you and your family the best in this difficult time.

--willo

[mommajam]

HI,
I haven't posted before, but have been feeling for you and praying for you. In light of your update, I thought I'd recommend a few books.

First of all, a friend of mine who works a lot with people whose marriages are about to break up has often recommended a book called "Divorce Busting." He actually thinks every married couple should read it anyway, even if things are going fine (so I finally got it from the library!).

Another book I could recommend from experience is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." I know the author, Dr. Laura, is controversial. But she really does have some good stuff in this book. I never really realized how simple it was to address my husband's needs in a way that made him feel loved and happy. Everything I've tried from that book has made an obviously positive impact on our relationship. And every little change I made really did result in a big response from him (and he didn't know I was doing it and had never read the book).

Lastly, another great book that I have seen help many relationships is "The Five Love Languages." DH and I help with marriage preparation retreats and we often mention this book.

I second the pp who lauded you for realizing your part in creating the problems. I think if you are both willing to look at yourselves and see your own part and work to improve, then you have a great chance to succeed. I know that this had had a great deal to do with the success of my marriage.

May God bless your efforts and may you have a lasting and joyful marriage.
M.

[WhiteWax]

Guys, thank you all so much!

You have no idea what you all mean to me!!!! It feels so good to have so many strong woman behind me! I dont have alot in the "role model" sense in regards to alot of these aspects of life... my mom, although a sweet wonderful woman, is by no means suzie home-maker either! and she has no realy advice to offer me in those regards!

I have to say I'm kinda proud of myself too for finally realizing my own faults in all of this! and while I would love to sit and type some more, I'm going to run off and do the dishes while DD is napping!!!

See I'm trying? lol.... Do you all mind if I keep you all updated on how I'm doing with all of this? I know it's not over and old habits die hard! I'm sure I will need alot more advice! lol

[Corri]

We're behind you all the way, chickie! Talking it out is the best medicine.

[Iamhappy2BAmom]

From reading your posts- you seem to be on the right path of figuring things out.

But I thought I would share a few personal experiences that may help you as you go through your journey.

July 2005. I told my husband of 2 years that I was done with the marriage. We had a functional marriage that we have been working hard on for years but I just was not happy. This was of course after we finished doing a trip half way around the world for 6 months to be more "in touch" with each other and relocated to a wonderful apartment in LA from NYC less than a month earlier. For years we worked really hard to make the marriage work, counseling, increased participation in church etc and we were both good people but something to me was not right- I just wasn't happy and have in many occassions looked for a way to leave and my husband was always able to convince me not to- but this time I was serious- and this time he took me seriously.

Anyway- during the transitional time of me trying to figure out where to move and what to do next- we came accross a therapist that we went to together- this time our goals were different. We weren't there trying to find a way to make the marriage work- we were there together trying to figure out what was making each of us not as happy as we could possibly be. As our therapist would say before each session "Our goal is to turn you guys into two happy and complete individuals- even if that means you are better off on your own." About 75% of the time the other person would be present in the room when the other spoke.

Without a marriage to lose - it was no holds barred really. My husband was finally able to hear me when I said that his immense fear of my leaving him was suffocating me and did make me want to leave- constantly. I realized I was too focused on making sure our marriage worked somehow to the point of numbing my feeling to any issues that may have come up. We were so focused on our marriage that the parts of oursleves we loved that made us individuals kindof just got neglected- not because the other person demanded it but because we did it to ourselves. He had adjusted himself so much to what he thought I would want and need that I just started to dislike him and vice versa.

Anyway, I thought of you when I watched the DVD of "The Secret." - the law of attraction. Basically, through thought and feeling you pretty much draw to yourself what you put out. My husband was obsessed with the possibility I might leave him that, that was pretty much all I wanted to do... And I was obsessed with not repeating the mistakes of my parents that my marriage did turn out to be distant and functional at best.

----

I am not sure when and how things turned in the last year and a half- but things are very - very - very different now. I can honestly say at this moment in time that things are very good. I'm not saying we never fight- we still do (especially now that I am uber hormonal and seem to be more hypersensitive than I wish.) BUT we have more of a presence of self now to be able to stick with the issue and be completely honest about what we feel (*most of the time*). Not to mention now that we are happier individuals we cut each other a LOT of slack.

---

On the topic of cleaning - I am useless (since I grew up in a household where I never had to clean). My husband on the other hand is a clean and order freak (since he grew up in a really chaotic home). We used to fight about it all the time. I can't say our habits have changed muched- but kuddos to him for cutting me a lot more slack now adays than ever.

Focus on your path- it seems to be a good one- it's all good.

[blueberrystamps]

I just have to say my best friend just ended her 7 year marriage because she was unwilling to work on her self and you should be very very proud of yourself for knowing that you need to work on yourself it will be better for your kids in the long run my best friend who has a 5 year old son who now is watching his mom dating other people and acting like she is in high school again.

You are a strong woman I know you are and you can do whatever you set you mind to having a good relationship is alot of work on both parts but it is so worth it to work on your self it is a very rewarding process.

You are in my thoughts keep up the good work.

[Jilian]

I think you should absolutely give it another try if you feel that there is a chance to work things out. You should never end a marriage until you feel you've tried all you could (unless it is an abusive situation then you should end it ASAP). Is your DP open to councelling? It really can help. Also, if you are REALLY both committed to making things work then make a pact to never mention the words "seperate" or "divorce" again. Some people fall into traps where they threaten to leave at every fight and then sooner or later one person ups the anti by actually leaving. It makes things ugly when you live with constant threats.

You need to follow your instincts on this one. Only you know what is truly best. We're all here to support you no matter what you decide.

[brookesmommy]

I just wanted to give you a (HUG) and to let you know that I am going through problems with my DH. He has a lot of the same complaints about me that yours has. We are talking things out. We have one dd and dc#2 on the way. My heart aches for you and the pain and confusion you are going through mama.

Just remember, you are worth it! Your worth more than he could ever know. Just look in your dd's eyes. You'll see the truth there. ((HUGS))

[WhiteWax]

Dawn... for you too..this sucks

[todavia]

i've been following your story and am also happy to hear that you and your DP are looking into counseling. relationships are challenging and take a lot of work, patience, acceptance and compromise.
my DP and i have been doing couples counseling (every other week) for about 4 years and it has made a huge difference for us as a couple but also for each of us individually. being able to take responsibility for our own assumptions, reactions and needs has vastly improved our communication and also allowed us both to get a lot more of what we want.
i agree with mataji4 that the main thing is that you and your DP are making progress in the right direction (even if it's slow).
our therapist told us that 70% of issues in a relationship are unresolvable : . who knows if it's true or not but it definitely made me think. partly it relieves the pressure to work everything out. for instance, we have really different values about certain things and i've had to accept that those things are not going to change. we can change the way we view those differences, or interact around them - but the actual differences are not resolvable. it's a balance either way. i'm starting to ramble so i'll stop. but i wish you the best through all of this and hope that things work out the way you want.

also, i know you're getting a lot of reading recommendations but i'll just add - Getting The Love You Need by Harville Hendriks (he used to be on oprah a lot and developed Imago which is a style of dialogue and therapy that our guy uses sometimes).

[WhiteWax]

So he talked to me last night and he has decided that he does not want to work on things. He doesn't think things can be resolved and aparently they are just too far gone in his eyes to fix everything.

I'm so lost and confused... I feel like I'm on the worst roller coaster of my life. I cried so hard last night it made me violently throw up my dinner...

I'm so lost, and so confused, and so scared and so alone and so... just...

: : : : : : : : : : ... when all I want is

[vannienicole]

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