Caleb is a year old, but I have never written his birth story, because of my disappointment in the birth experience.
I hope writing it now will be healing.
Thank you for reading it.. it will likely be long.
I planned for a hospital birth with a Midwife. The practice has 3 CNM's and it was a bit too "medicalized" for my taste.. but its supposedly the most progressive practice in Atlanta, so I went with it.
I took hypnobirthing and yoga classes, read a lot, swam, and wrote a detailed birth plan. I wanted a natural, non-interventionist birth.
The morning of my May 1 due date I went for a long swim. That night I had contractions, but they stopped after a couple hours.
The next night I went to bed at around 11p.. and woke up at 1am with hard contractions about 10 minutes apart. I called the Midwife, who said to call back when they were 5 minutes apart.
I woke my DH and my mother, and spent the next couple of hours rocking on my birthing ball. The contractions were 5 minutes apart by 4am. I called the MW. She said I didn't sound like I needed to come in yet.. but I started getting panicky about being stuck in Atlanta rush hour traffic in transition! At that point, I wish she or my husband would have calmed me down. But she said to go ahead and come in. That was mistake #1.
The hospital staff was very kind and respectful. The nurses read my birth plan, took me off the monitor quickly and brought me some fruit juice. The MW checked me.. I wa only 31/2 centimeters dialated. So I rocked some more.. took a bath.. and began to realize I was having back labor. This scared me. I got onto all fours and began doing yoga vocalizing. The MW came in and checked me again. No change. She said she wanted to break my waters. I said no. I continued to rock and do yoga moves on all fours. A couple hours later.. still no change. And the back pain was becomming very hard to bear. I let her break my waters. That was mistake #2.
The back pain immediately became unbearable. I later learned my tailbone had fractured at some point. But anyway, the MW suggested I get the epi. I caved. Mistake #3.
I will say the anaesthesiologist was awesome. She knew how much I had wanted a natural birth. So she really nailed the epi.. I could feel my legs and move my lower body.. it just took the edge off the back pain, but I was bummed because it took my right out of the experience of my labor.... I was chatty and barely aware of what my body was doing.. something I will always always regret.
Of course the epi slowed things down even more, so out came the pitocin drip. At that point I figured I was already in intervention land, so I didn't say no. A few hours passed.. and I was fully dialated but had a "lip." The MW dealt with that.. and was able to turn the baby and get him off my back. At last I could push.
This was the best part.. I was finally able to be a full participant. My DH held one leg and my mom held the other. My MW helped me breathe steadily.. and kept me from purple pushing. I pushed for an hour and a half, feeling great the whole time. I felt the ring of fire..
and Caleb was born at 5:13 pm, beautiful and alert. They put him on my belly and worked on the placenta and stitched me up.. I had torn a bit.. no episiotomy at least. He latched on perfectly right away. I said to my husband: "look what we created."
It was an awesome day. But I wish my MW, my DS and my mom had helped support me so I could've had the birth experience I really wanted. I hated that the epi took me out of the moment, though I was back in it when I pushed. I don't think I will be having any more children.. so I feel like I will never have the birth experience I dreamed of and that hurts. I particularly feel bad because I KNEW all the pitfalls of a hosptal birth and I fell into them anyway.
Most people tell me to get over it because after all DS was born healthy.. high apgars, etc..
But it still hurts and there is still resentment of my DH and MW.
Still, it was the most awesome day of my life. And Caleb is a constant joy and amazement. But the shadow over my birth remains...
I hope writing it now will be healing.
Thank you for reading it.. it will likely be long.
I planned for a hospital birth with a Midwife. The practice has 3 CNM's and it was a bit too "medicalized" for my taste.. but its supposedly the most progressive practice in Atlanta, so I went with it.
I took hypnobirthing and yoga classes, read a lot, swam, and wrote a detailed birth plan. I wanted a natural, non-interventionist birth.
The morning of my May 1 due date I went for a long swim. That night I had contractions, but they stopped after a couple hours.
The next night I went to bed at around 11p.. and woke up at 1am with hard contractions about 10 minutes apart. I called the Midwife, who said to call back when they were 5 minutes apart.
I woke my DH and my mother, and spent the next couple of hours rocking on my birthing ball. The contractions were 5 minutes apart by 4am. I called the MW. She said I didn't sound like I needed to come in yet.. but I started getting panicky about being stuck in Atlanta rush hour traffic in transition! At that point, I wish she or my husband would have calmed me down. But she said to go ahead and come in. That was mistake #1.
The hospital staff was very kind and respectful. The nurses read my birth plan, took me off the monitor quickly and brought me some fruit juice. The MW checked me.. I wa only 31/2 centimeters dialated. So I rocked some more.. took a bath.. and began to realize I was having back labor. This scared me. I got onto all fours and began doing yoga vocalizing. The MW came in and checked me again. No change. She said she wanted to break my waters. I said no. I continued to rock and do yoga moves on all fours. A couple hours later.. still no change. And the back pain was becomming very hard to bear. I let her break my waters. That was mistake #2.
The back pain immediately became unbearable. I later learned my tailbone had fractured at some point. But anyway, the MW suggested I get the epi. I caved. Mistake #3.
I will say the anaesthesiologist was awesome. She knew how much I had wanted a natural birth. So she really nailed the epi.. I could feel my legs and move my lower body.. it just took the edge off the back pain, but I was bummed because it took my right out of the experience of my labor.... I was chatty and barely aware of what my body was doing.. something I will always always regret.
Of course the epi slowed things down even more, so out came the pitocin drip. At that point I figured I was already in intervention land, so I didn't say no. A few hours passed.. and I was fully dialated but had a "lip." The MW dealt with that.. and was able to turn the baby and get him off my back. At last I could push.
This was the best part.. I was finally able to be a full participant. My DH held one leg and my mom held the other. My MW helped me breathe steadily.. and kept me from purple pushing. I pushed for an hour and a half, feeling great the whole time. I felt the ring of fire..
and Caleb was born at 5:13 pm, beautiful and alert. They put him on my belly and worked on the placenta and stitched me up.. I had torn a bit.. no episiotomy at least. He latched on perfectly right away. I said to my husband: "look what we created."
It was an awesome day. But I wish my MW, my DS and my mom had helped support me so I could've had the birth experience I really wanted. I hated that the epi took me out of the moment, though I was back in it when I pushed. I don't think I will be having any more children.. so I feel like I will never have the birth experience I dreamed of and that hurts. I particularly feel bad because I KNEW all the pitfalls of a hosptal birth and I fell into them anyway.
Most people tell me to get over it because after all DS was born healthy.. high apgars, etc..
But it still hurts and there is still resentment of my DH and MW.
Still, it was the most awesome day of my life. And Caleb is a constant joy and amazement. But the shadow over my birth remains...
