Can I be a little whiney?

[Turkish Kate]

I gotta whine, just for a minute, 'cause I'm feeling so darn sorry for myself.

I have loved being pregnant this time. I really, truly have. (My first wasn't so great.) My DH has been super supportive, understanding what happened with DD's birth and how I don't want to go through that again. HB was always the choice for the next baby, barring unforseen life-threatening complications. When it started looking like this was going to be a UP/UC, he was fine with it. He's read all the books that I have, surfed online for more info, reads the MDC forums, everything I could ask for and more. I'm a former L&D nurse, volunteered as a doula, and have helped at homebirths. I have a good knowledge base and am not afraid of what we're doing--I'm far more concerned about the abysmal state of the maternity care here. I'm okay with being my own care provider--I know my body far better than anyone else does.

But I am 6000 miles away from my homeland. I don't speak the language here and sometimes I get lonely. (Hence my presence on MDC.) There is no support for homebirth here, even the midwife that I thought we had has completely dropped out of sight and has not contacted me in three months, except for mass emails related to a ladies' group I joined. I have a few friends here, two of whom recently had babies, but since I can't drive, I don't get to see them. This is such a large city and so difficult to get around that I don't go much of anywhere anyway. My family is totally non-involved in my life. I started blogging this summer in order to keep them updated with baby events, but it's obvious that they don't read it. I couldn't even participate in the MDC swaps for our DDC because of customs regulations here.

I've read threads about mamas who don't want a baby shower because they would get a bunch of stuff that they didn't want/need/wouldn't use. I would just love to have someone care about me enough to offer. DH has almost no family, just his elderly mother who is not in any position to do anything of the sort and wouldn't even think of it anyway. I feel so lonely sometimes that I don't have anyone IRL (other than DH) to talk to, to share with, to throw me a baby shower. My other girlfriends complain about their MILs not letting them do anything or telling them silly stories about Turkish customs, etc. So many people here complain about getting family phone calls wanting to know if baby has arrived yet. I don't even get so much as an email. I just want someone to make a fuss over *me.*

I'm done. Thanks.

[sparkprincess]

That has to be really frustrating and disappointing. Heck, I've been bummed because I won't get a shower with this baby (it's not about getting stuff, just want to celebrate) so I can only imagine how you are feeling.

My friend went through the same thing here in the states - lives in a very rural area with no friends and family anywhere nearby...and only 1 car! I know it was really hard on her!

Can you get cards and letters there?? I know it may take a while but I would love to send you something!!

[Wild Flowers]

Kate I am so sorry s My family isn't much better. They came out to "help" last time. We were living in Hawaii. They came to see hawaii, not their new grandchild. And didn't understand why I didn't want to go all over th island with them 10 days after giving birth.
You have every right to feel a little whiney. I wish we could throw you a shower. How is it to ship stuff over to there. I have always admired your posts, you seem so put together, I hang out over at the UC board also. I think you are a very knowledgeable person, you deserve more. I wish we could do something for you. As for your family, someone told me that decluttering sometimes means letting go of the relationships you think you have. And someone here, I think it was Yo Becca, told me that I should let go of the relationship I expect from my mom. I know it is hard, and I think it is more of a process. But sometimes having someone tell you, well, it made a difference to me. As for not having a family to fuss over you, have you ever thought of going and volunteering at a nursing home? Just a thought, I am sure that there are many woman there who would adopt you
Is it not possible to move somewhere else? I know it would be a lot and a big move, but sometimes it is really important to have a support system. And I think it is hugely important when you are going against the grain. It is one thing to have online support, but being able to meet with people makes a big difference. Do you happen to have a LLL over there? Anything? Would it be possible for you to try and organize a moms group? You never know who mithgt be lurking out there who is AP but either doesn't know, or thinks also that there is no one out there. I wish I could do something, and more s I do hope you feel better soon.

[MamaVolpe]

Cabbie

Hi ya,

I only know of one person in Turkey but he would definately make a fuss over you. Too bad I can't remember his name. All I rember is that he is a cab driver in Istanbul, and has one cousin who owns a rug shop and another cousin who owns a jewelery shop and his uncle will give you a tour of the Blue Mosk, and his whole family speeks pretty good english and will treat you like a queen. I even got a Christmas card from them one year and I live in the USA. I hope you can find some one to fuss over you and if not just go hang out by the taxi que.

PS- If you just need a pick me up and can get out of the house, go to Hagia Sophia on a school day and watch all the kids on a field trip go by. They will come over and talk to you because they want someone to practice their English on. It is soooo cute. I hope you feel better.

[Turkish Kate]

Thanks for your well wishes, ladies. It helps. DH didn't understand what was going on and we almost got into a huge fight (typical end of pregnancy high emotions, I think). Then he came and read my post and the light bulb switched on.

My family is toxic, there's no question about it. I let go of that relationship years ago, but there are extenuating circumstances that I won't go into here. What I wouldn't give for an Ozzy and Harriet (or heck, even Dan and Roseanne) kind of family. That will never happen.

Thanks for the offers to ship stuff, I really do appreciate it. It's not that I need stuff, I just want the party. I think the last time that we had real guests here was about 2 months ago. We really live so far off the beaten path that no one will come out to our house. And there's no public transport for me to take, even if I could. (I don't speak enough Turkish to get around on the buses and dolmuses.) There's not even a taxi stand nearby. I think that the closest one is about a mile walk. I mean I live in a village--really, a village. On any given day, you will see as many goats and cows and tractors in the street as you will see cars. We often watch sheep grazing across the street from our favorite little restaurant. It is beautiful, don't get me wrong. If I could speak Turkish, I might not be so lonely. But then again, I might. I dunno. I spent yesterday sitting in someone else's living room, listening to the men talk, while I just sat there. I talked to the parakeet. Seriously. And now DH wants to move further out into the middle of nowhere. He doesn't like the pollution in the city, wants our children to have a healthful environment, while I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.

I'd love to see some of the tourist sites, I've been to Haghia Sofia and Topkapi and Dolmabahce, but they are so far away from where we live. It's easily a 2 hour trip in regular traffic, and DH can't be arsed to go. I did join a mum's & kids group, but all the meetings are on the other side of the Bosphorus, which makes a 1-2 hour tip, depending on traffic. Again, there's the lack of transportation issue. I have to rely on DH for transport and he absolutely hates going to the other side. I'm not crazy about it either, for that matter. And those women are so NOT crunchy. I went to one meeting, and philosophical differences were apparent. Here they are, showing off their 3D US pix, scheduling c-sections, etc., and I don't even have a doctor. I'm asking about where to get cloth diapers and slings and such, and they look at me like I'm speaking a foreign language. God forbid I mention having a baby at home in the bathtub. One good thing, though, is that almost all of them breastfeed. At least for a while. Which brings us to LLL--I *am* LLL in Istanbul. I'm working on leadership accreditation because there isn't any LLL presence here at all. The doctors here are worse than American doctors in their pushing of artificial milks. I have to run from the silly marketing gals in the big grocery store, trying to give me freebies. (Damn, if I only had enough Turkish to tell them off for what they're doing! I tried to get DH to do it, but he wouldn't. His lactivism only goes so far.)

But you know, I love it here. Other than the isolation and loneliness, it's a completely different environment. It's so family-friendly and child-oriented. Turkish men are great fathers--they carry their children all the time, walk them to school, pick them up, play at the park, etc. You can let your kid run loose in the mall, the grocery store, where ever, without fear of abduction. Everyone loves babies and children. The kids are so "spoiled" by American standards, because they are so well-loved. You don't see kids throwing tantrums in the stores because they are catered to all the time. Muslims see children as a blessing from God and they are treated that way.

The food here is awesome--so fresh, no preservatives, no corn by-products in everything. I hate going back to the US because the food is so processed and I always gain a ton. I miss the variety that we can have in the US--Chinese food one night, Mexican the next, etc., but I do okay cooking at home. We get more "international" cuisine items at the grocery store each month. We even had tacos a few nights ago--about $9 for the shells/spice/sauce kit, but so worth it and we gobbled them down.

I just wish I could transfer an English-speaking, crunchy, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, cloth-diapering, non-vaxing family or 100 to live in my little village with me. And prefereably someone who also speaks Turkish and drives a mini-van. Then we could all go and eat cake and drink tea, watch our kids run around the park, and talk about how good life is.

"The Blues" are supposed to be a sign that delivery is close. Hopefully that is true in my case and I can get that lovely cocktail of mothering hormones to get me out of this. Where's the oxytocin when you need it?

[Wild Flowers]

If I spoke Turkish, I do drive a mini van , and my dh wasn't in the navy, they aren't going to send him to Turkey I don't think...If only. It does sound nice. I am sure that you probably are going to go soon. I have started to feel withdrawn from everything here lately also. And you can kinda tell with the activity on this forum that others are also, it hasn't been super busy. So another , I like to give hugs, and I hope that the oxytocin kicks up for you soon and you get to hold your wonderful baby.

[Yo Becca]

BIG hugs, Kate. I certainly know what you mean about being isolated in another culture. The language barrier is very powerful. I feel pretty lucky that in Shanghai I have met a good group of mothers who have similar parenting styles to me - and a very active LLL group. But it's not the same as having old friends, people who really know and understand you and are there for support. As much as I hoped to stay in Shanghai to deliver this baby, I think coming back to the US has been for the best b/c I do have a support network here, a small one, but one I can depend on.

Have you checked out the yahoo group for AP expat moms? I'll get the group name and PM you with it - one of the moms in SH shared it with me - but I haven't really had a chance to check it out. It supposed to be a resource for other AP-minded moms living outside their home countries. This same mom who recommended that group is very computer-savvy, and she set up a really fantastic yahoo group for english-speaking moms in shanghai. If you had the time and energy to set something up like that for turkey, I imagine there are other english-speaking moms there who feel similarly to you. the shanghai mama's group has been a good place to ask questions, get recommendations, discuss parenting stuff, and find out about playgroups, organize outings, etc. She set up the yahoo group and moderates it, then spreads the address through LLL meetings, expat magazines, word-of-mouth, etc. Online "communities" aren't the same as real-life communities, but they beat nothing all to peices!

Stay strong, mama. We're sending you all sorts of pampering vibes!

[deuxceleste]

How's today going for you, mama?

[Turkish Kate]

Still crying intermittently. DH took me out for lunch today and then a trip to MotherCare, followed by the longest walk I've taken in months. Hoping to get things moving, but no luck. I know that the vast majority of this is simply hormonal and will go away once baby comes, but that doesn't make it any easier in the moment.

How's you?

[deuxceleste]

Me's hangin in there. Waiting on my midwife, who should be here for my home visit any time now...

Birthday sucked, but it's been ok since then I guess. Same old, same old. Can't keep the house clean, house energy's all screwed up, feels stale, sounds dumb, but it's true... Opening the doors and windows today cause it's pretty nice out.

A walk sounds nice in theory, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Plus I'm sick.