Not sure what to do

[faerierose]

My sisters son (6) is violent, really violent. She has him in counseling for it but other then that she doesn't try and help him with it or protect the other kids he plays with. My ds had a birthday party yesterday, dn was rude, mean, calling names, then he tried to strangle one of the girls : He put both his hands around her neck and choked her. My sister's solution to this was to talk to him for 2 min then let him continue to play. She does not watch him when he is playing, she visits w/ the adults or watches tv or sits down at the computer. I am so frusterated I want to scream. She knows how violent he can get yet she basically ignores him until there is a problem. If my child had tried to strangle someone (Can't imagine that ever happening) we would have left right then. I don't think it's to much to ask that she watches her son so that she can interviene BEFOR he hurts someone. Now I don't know what to tell her, I don't want her ds over here, she doesn't supervise him, and I've got 4 kids, I can't shadow him the way he needs. Part of me wants to just tell her off but I know that's really not going to help. I want her to realize that I'm not rejecting her son. he's got problems, but I can't risk my dc's safety because she doesn't watch her ds when he is here. I have a feeling this is going to end badly either way but I just can't let this continue. Any advice???

[lawgrrl]

I have a sister myself and my heart really goes out to you having this difficult situation between you and your sister and her son. Have you had a heart to heart with her about this issue at a when you're not angry about an incident that's just occurred, so that it doesn't come across as you "telling her off"?

Prior to the party I probably would have told her (and maybe her son also) that if he acted aggressively towards any of the other children, then he would have to leave the party immediately. Your house, your rules. In my opinion, you cannot change her parenting style, but you can control what goes on in your presence/house. I would apply the same rules when he comes over to play with your children.

[mamatoady]

I feel for you. My ex-best friend's daughter was very aggressive as a toddler and I pretty much stopped visiting and never invited her over unless we were strapping our kids into the stroller for a walk. Her daughter is almost 5 and is ok now, but we're not too close and hardly ever talk anymore.

Bottom line...the safety of your children come's first. Do you know why dn is so mean/violent? Does anyone know? I'm just curious. You might end up offending your sister, but if you are as respectful and tactful and honest as you can be, then it's not your problem how she takes it. If brought to extremes; what's more important, your relationship with your sister, or Dn hurting/abusing your children on an on-going basis. That's really what it could come down to because if you DON'T say something, and you physically can't shadow him and his mom won't either, your children and their friends will be at his mercy.

If it was me, I'd probably say something like "sister, First of all I want you to know that I don't want to hurt you or dn, I love you both very much, and that won't ever change, but I am very concerned with how dn behaves/acts towards my kids and their friends. (here you could include some examples) and I feel like you wait for things to happen before you intervene, but when he's over here, I need you to be more on-top of him. I don't want to see my kids get hurt and I feel like it's a given that they will get hurt if he's not watched more closely. Is there some way that we can help him not act out aggressively or to watch and notice before something happens?"

She'll either get defensive and angry or appologize profoundly. She's probably at her wits end (which is why she ignores him until it gets bad) so she'll probably get angry with you for calling her out, in which case, you realize that they just won't be able to come over. You could probably go back and forth for a year about what is and isn't being done for him, so arguing isn't going to help. She either is or is not willing to take a more proactive role.

just my thoughts.
sarah

[mattemma04]

I would seriously cut down on contact since she is not watching him during his interactions with children.Safety first.Perhaps she will get him the proper help,and you can reintroduce him to your child(ren),but until then let it be her problem.I feel sorry for the kids exposed to him.Putting your foot down with the sister might just be the kick she needs to get him better help.Right now she will just ignore and pacify. What did the mother of the choked child do? Why did dn choke her? Very uncomfortable situation, but step up and have your say.Things will either improve all around,or atleast they will improve for you by not seeing dn.

[faerierose]

Thank you all for the advice, for those of you who were wondering my sister doesn't really know for sure why he is so aggressive, she is currently in a custody fight w/ dn's dad but they haven't been together for most of his life. I do know the more time he spends w/ his dad the more violent he gets. I'm not convinced that's the problem though, honestly I have been worried about dn's mental health for a long time. He show's no remorse for his actions, he show's no empathy for the people he hurts. Once when he was 4 he kicked my dd in the head (she was 2), she was crying and I asked him what happened and he happily replied "I kicked her in the head because she was in my way" all smiles and everything. I don't know, I thought it was just me for a while but he really just gives me the creeps, I can't really explain it.
He chocked the girl because she had a toy he wanted and she wouldn't give it to him. My sister has to pick him up from school or daycare often because they can't keep him from hitting and kicking the other kids and the teachers. He see's a therapist once a week already but I don't think she has figured out what is going on w/ him yet.