"I hate you," hitting and yelling...HELP!!

[lisap]

DD is 3 1/2 and she has started yelling things like "I hate you" when she does not get her way. We are not sure where this is coming from. She has also started hitting and it's a huge problem in our house. She has begun hitting her 8mo brother. She also yells a lot. I need help! DH is going to have major surgery with a very long recovery time (3mo+) so I need some peace and so does he! TIA


_lisa

[lisap]

anyone??

[AKmoose]

Sorry, no real advice, but some mamas just had good words for me a couple weeks back when I had a similar (hate) problem. You might read through the short discussion:

here

[lisap]

Thanks AKmoose, I read what others had to say and it makes me feel better. I don't take it personally, but sometimes it hurts when she says it to DH b/c they have such a rocky relationship. He loves her so much and he tries so hard with her, but it's never good enough for her.

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by lisap

DD is 3 1/2 and she has started yelling things like "I hate you" when she does not get her way. We are not sure where this is coming from. She has also started hitting and it's a huge problem in our house. She has begun hitting her 8mo brother. She also yells a lot. I need help! DH is going to have major surgery with a very long recovery time (3mo+) so I need some peace and so does he! TIA


_lisa

Here's what we did and sometimes still do. When my dd is like this, it helps to remind myself that she feels out of control. I put her on my lap and tell her that if she wants to get mad, she can get mad in my lap, but we don't hit in this family. If she hits, I hold down her arm (not hard, but firmly, so she can't hit anybody). I hold her on my lap until she's done being mad, and the whole time, even if she says, "I hate you," I tell her that she's loved. I try to make it safe for her to be angry -- not abandoned in time-out, not stuck in a room to be angry, but in my lap where she has someone to control her (which I think she desperately needs at those moments) and to tell her that she is loved even when she feels very unlovable.

[kdlizmama]

I don't have a lot of experience with "I hate you"s as a parent, but I do remember vividly yelling it at my own dad when I was little and his response was always the same. "Well I love you." It always diffused my anger so quickly. I remember still trying to be mad on the outside, but what I was really feeling was how amazing it was that he loved me no matter what horrible things I said.

[lisap]

Originally Posted by Meg Murry.

Here's what we did and sometimes still do. When my dd is like this, it helps to remind myself that she feels out of control. I put her on my lap and tell her that if she wants to get mad, she can get mad in my lap, but we don't hit in this family. If she hits, I hold down her arm (not hard, but firmly, so she can't hit anybody). I hold her on my lap until she's done being mad, and the whole time, even if she says, "I hate you," I tell her that she's loved. I try to make it safe for her to be angry -- not abandoned in time-out, not stuck in a room to be angry, but in my lap where she has someone to control her (which I think she desperately needs at those moments) and to tell her that she is loved even when she feels very unlovable.

I like that approach. I think that would work with DD. I will try that the next time she is out of control (which is sure to be as soon as she wakes up ).