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OMGosh... I am in shock!

post #1 of 81
Thread Starter 
Ok, I called my sister today. They have one son who is 2.5 yrs old who they are trying to potty learn. As our kids are only 5 wks apart... I totally understand!

Well, we have very different parenting styles to start with... they FF and CIO and don't cosleep or anything. As a general rule, we don't offer each other advice as it turns into an argument. BTW, I am the big sis! It matters!

Well, he ds had had an accident and she was telling him that he had to use the potty and so on. Well then she calls her dh in and tells him. He says something I can't understand and my nephew says "NO, NO DAD!"

So I ask what's going on and shes nochalantly, that they are trying a new method because they will not have "a 3 yr old that is not potty trained". I ask what they are doing and she say... Ready to fall over dead?...

They SPANK HIM when he has an accident!!!!!!
:

I was so upset. I don't believe in spanking, but I know certain people do... but this? COME ON!!! He is 2.5!

So, I am going to read the anti spanking info, but anything else I should know? Also, how do I approach it effectively? I could only make it worse, but feel like I have to say something.

Sigh. Sick to my stomach and needing to go to bed. TIA.
post #2 of 81
Thread Starter 
I know!!! I was so in shock I didn't know what to say! I just told her I had to go. :
post #3 of 81
Oh my g*d, that just brought out an audible gasp...WTF??? Do these people think humiliation and physical pain are going to convince that little one to sit on the potty? Man, if I'd have been on the phone with her....(I know, not my sis...) so sorry that you have to know about that .
post #4 of 81
Ugh.

Every time he uses the bathroom, he is going to associate it with being punished.

:

Just tell your sister what's going through your mind. You'd be doing her a great favor.
post #5 of 81
urinating on the toilet is a very brave thing to do, if he has fear with regard to emptying his bowels or urniating he will be terrified and not be able to be brave enough to use the toilet and will feel the need to hide when he does go. plus i think that boweld and bladder can only be controlled when a child feels relaxed and happy, a frightened child will have far less control in this area due to the underlying fear.

post #6 of 81
I have a story. Friends of mine adopted a little boy at the age of 5. He had been in foster care from the time he was 2.5. Whenever he had an accident his foster mom would spank him viciously. When he came to my friends house he would stand in front of the toilet and SPANK HIMSELF so he could go to the bathroom...

You might want to pass that gem on to your sister. It's horrible. It's wrong and it's abuse.
post #7 of 81
Wow, not only is your sister abusing her kid, but she's making things harder for herself and her husband in the process. I don't spank my dd, but I did get a little cranky when she pooped on the floor a few times. Guess what, it meant she regressed in her potty learning, and had a lot more accidents for a while!
post #8 of 81
Hmm - abuse aside, do they know it may not be developmentally feasible for a 2.5 year old or 3 year old to put together all the concepts of toileting?? Sounds like besides their parenting skills, they might want to adjust their expectations. I think most pediatricians will back that up.
post #9 of 81
:

Let me at er, let me at er!!!
post #10 of 81
Oh duh. Good grief -- I thought everyone in the world new how badly you can screw a kid up by punishing over toileting issues when they are 2 yo. You can do an internet search and find tons of information about why this is a BAD IDEA. This kid is going to have some issues. And regression, and set backs like they won't believe.

Not to mention, they are really stressing themselves out much more than its wroth.

I waited until my boys were 3 years old. Then I potty trained each of them in about 2-3 weeks. With no pain. It was almost the easiest aspect of parenting we encountered. They were ready -- period.
post #11 of 81
The thought of that poor child being spanked for having an accident truly makes me sick to my stomach. It's called an accident for a reason, I wonder if they go around abusing each other if say someone accidently drops a glass.
post #12 of 81
My brother and sil spanked their kids for accidents, too. Out of four kids:

the oldest potty learned before she was 2 (on her own)

the second child (girl) didn't potty learned until age FIVE because she was so afraid of it (and, I think, decided to exert some control over the situation by peeing/pooing everywhere unless they kept her in diapers)

the third child (boy) potty learned at age four and a half

the youngest potty trained fully by age three without being punished when he had an accident.

I guess bro/sil figured out how harmful it was before kid #4. They still "joke" about how much they had to spank Savanna in order to get her to go on the potty.

OP, I agree that you must say something...but I don't think it's going to change their minds.
post #13 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by tbone View Post
The thought of that poor child being spanked for having an accident truly makes me sick to my stomach. It's called an accident for a reason, I wonder if they go around abusing each other if say someone accidently drops a glass.
I was going to say the same thing. Does your sister spank her husband if he get a little pee on the seat.

Rachel
post #14 of 81
That is so terrible and upsetting. My heart is breaking right now! : : :

I would pass on some anti-spanking info and also some potty training info as well. Poor baby!
post #15 of 81
OMG, they sound totally vicious and out of control. How horrible for that little boy.
post #16 of 81


Wow. Just wow. I can see why you would be in shock, I would be too. I would say something too because I would feel like I had to but I don't think I would expect any change. Just try to not make your sis feel defensive (if possible) because then she won't listen. Do you have a female authority figure/matriarch in your family you could enlist for help? Some women who have BTDT and can approach the situation without too much emotion might have a better chance getting through.

GL. Can we have her phone number, pretty please? :
post #17 of 81
I don't know what would be the best thing to do. Lots of people have these arbitrary ages in their minds of when it becomes "gross" to change diapers. I just recently posted about a co-worker who forced her kids to PT starting at around the first birthday because she thought changing a 2yo's diapers was gross. There's no particular reason why a 3yo shouldn't still wear diapers. Did someone make some kind of comments to her, that it was gross, or is this something she read, or what? Where did she get this idea. Maybe one thing to do is tell her a 2.5 yo is GOING to have accidents, and hitting him isn't going to make his bladder work any better. Sort of related to that is, let's say 3 yo is plenty old enough to potty train and be out of diapers. This child is not 3. There's a big difference between 2.5yo and 3yo. Maybe she doesn't see that because she doesn't have a 3yo to compare him to, but they are way different. My 3yo is potty trained. When he was 2.5 he was not. He had accidents all over the place. But he didn't need to be spanked in order to finish potty learning before age 3. I think that might be the approach I'd take. "Look, sis, I'm not sure why you think you have to start spanking him to get him to potty train by age 3. Kids can learn how to use the potty by age 3 without having to be punished 6 months in advance." I mean, you said she is trying this as a "new method" so that makes it sound like they are trying to PT him way to early, it wasn't working, they think there's something wrong with him, not realizing that they are just starting way too far in advance, so they are at the point of desperation now and think the only thing that will work is the one method they haven't tried yet - spanking. I would just tell her, it's really not necessary, 2.5 is too young to expect "no accidents" but by 3yo he will naturally be much better, without all the punishment.

Or maybe you could suggest that they have a talk with their pediatrician. Will they listen to him? I'm thinking most peds would tell the parents to stop spanking for accidents.

Are they so mainstream that they like Dr. Phil? Even Dr. Phil says he can tell which adults were PT "at gunpoint" as children. On his article about his PTing method, he says "If your child has an accident in his underwear, don't scold him. You want this to be a positive experience." And that even after you get them to use it the first time, expect accidents and don't scold: "When your child has an accident, simply take him/her to the bathroom ten times in a row as you did before. This will continue to build muscle memory. And don't forget to keep up the positive reinforcement."

http://drphil.com/articles/article/264/

I don't know where she thought up this "method" but I would just stress that it is unecessary for getting the kid to use the potty by age 3, but also it is well agreed by experts and peds that it is phsychologically damaging.
post #18 of 81
How sad for your sister's little boy! This infuriates me but makes me sad for him. My dad tried doing this with me and ended up going to the Dr (my dad thought it was a bright idea to spank me when I pooped my pants when I was 2. I then didn't poop for like a week or so and had to go to the Dr)

I hope something changes and she realizes that this is NOT a good approach :bighug:
post #19 of 81
Tell her that she and her dh are wrong.
post #20 of 81
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom22girls View Post
Hmm - abuse aside, do they know it may not be developmentally feasible for a 2.5 year old or 3 year old to put together all the concepts of toileting?? Sounds like besides their parenting skills, they might want to adjust their expectations. I think most pediatricians will back that up.
It is absolutely developmentally feasible to not pee in your clothes at age 2.5. It has become unusual for many reasons but in the 90s it was normal.

Having said that I am sick to the stomach thinking about the OP's dn *knowing* what was going to happen to him for having an accident and saing 'no, no' to his dad. They are abusing him and its wrong no two ways about it.
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