How much time do you spend a day actively playing with your little one's?

[lovemyfamily6]

I have two 3 1/2 year olds and a 5 year old. How much time a day to you all spend actively playing with your kids? I need to increase the amount of time I spend, I know. They play so well together without my involvement that there are days where I will read some books to them and make occasional appearances to notice how they're helping each other or sharing with each other or something, but I don't sit in the play room with them as often as I used to and build with blocks or play with trains or whatever. I'm feeling kind of bad. Even though they aren't asking for me to be in there, I think I probably should be. I do make a point to go in and see whatever they want me to see when they ask, and go as soon as I can if I truly can not get in there right then.

[oyemicanto]

I have a 5 y.o. and a 3 y.o. and have noticed that they don't need me to play with them as much as they used to because they enjoy playing with each other. I decided that I will leave them to it when they don't need me, and when they aren't getting along or if they ask, I will be available to play.

I am happy to see them becoming such great friends and it gives me time to regroup or do things around the house that need to be done, and I find that I enjoy playing with them a lot more now. I do know what you mean though, because sometimes when I realize I haven't played with them for awhile I feel funny about it, but I think it is a natural progression.

I just make sure that I am offering to play sometimes, and if they ask I am usually available.

[Guava~Lush]

not enough.



He is a very active 6 yr old boy, and i love to sit and read and do artsy things that he does not want to do. We do the beach and park and sometimes card games. We read alot before bed but thats not play.

I wish I could do more. But I think that I am no worse or no better than any other parent.

[JanB]

I am in pretty much the exact same situation as the first two posters. I have a 3yo and a 5yo, and they play with each other or off on their own most of the time. Sometimes I feel a little strange about it, like, shouldn't I be interacting with/enriching them more? But then I figure that if they needed interaction with me, they would come and get it, because I am always available. I might say, "Hold on while I finish putting this load of laundry in," but if they really want me to play with them, I will sit down and do it. I just don't get the request that often these days.

For us personally, and I'm not sure this is true for all families but it is for mine, I think this is one of those transition moments from infancy/toddlerhood to having older children. They start being able to entertain themselves and play on their own more often, and you remember when they were smaller and needed a LOT more daily parental interaction (like, 24/7 in the case of my daughter) and it just seems unusual when that drops off somewhat.

[Periwinkle]

Well, I'm not actually a huge believer in spending gobs of time focusing on playing with your kids. I include my kids in the goings-on of the house - they help prepare lunch, clean, run errands, we go on walks, go out. So I would actually view it as a negative to spend all morning long on the floor with the kids. Just wanted to give that background/context first.

I have two 4 3/4 year-olds and a 2 year-old. I probably spend 45 min. reading to them every day. And another 45 min. (on average) actively playing WITH them.

Before anyone freaks out and thinks I'm mommie dearest or something lol, here is an example of the start of our morning this morning, very typical...

• Woke up, kids read / flipped through books in our bed while dh and I showered/dressed
• We all prepared breakfast, set the table, & ate breakfast all together
• Dh left for work. I cleaned up kitchen while older two went upstairs, made their beds & got dressed. Toddler chose to stay with me and worked on loading (and unloading and reloading lol) his plastic dishes into the dishwasher.
• Brought toddler upstairs, got him dressed, made our bed & picked up. Kids finished getting dressed/cleaning their rooms and played
• I vacuumed the kitchen/mud room/dining room while the kids played together in the living room. Toddler checked in a couple of times and "helped" to vacuum here and there, and played with the vacuum tools
• This morning I dropped off the older two at a good friend's house for a playdate while I ran errands with our toddler. He rode on my back (in a mei tai) nearly the entire time.

So just pointing out that we're engaged with the kids and they're very much a part of our lives and we're near them, but we're just not "down on the floor" with them much at all. Again, I see this as a positive thing, not a negative, i.e., I do not wish I were doing more of it.

[lovemyfamily6]

Thanks. It's good to know that it is just the progression of toddler's to older children. I guess I'll stop feeling guilty since like you guy's said, I am available if they need me. It's not like everytime they ask me to do something I say "Not right now" or "I'll do it later" or something else.

I'll just enjoy the fact that they can play well without me since before I know it, I'll have a new little one to demand lots of attention!

[newmommy]

45 minutes each day.

I have a timer and I set it for 15 minutes in 3 intervals throughout the day: Morning, Midday and Evening.

I think it is very important for all children (with or without siblings) to be able to play independently.

Plus, I am terrible at Kid's play. I don't like it. But I committ to my 15 minutes...

My mom never played with me (I was on Only until Age 9) and I learned to play very well alone.

I'm trying to figure out when did Moms (not you OP...in General) start feeling guilty for not playing with their kids?

[lovemyfamily6]

Originally Posted by Periwinkle

So just pointing out that we're engaged with the kids and they're very much a part of our lives and we're near them, but we're just not "down on the floor" with them much at all. Again, I see this as a positive thing, not a negative, i.e., I do not wish I were doing more of it.

Thanks for your perspective on this. You definitely made me not feel guilty!! The boys are similar to your kids with helping with the daily things around the house. Whenever it's time to load/switch/unload/sort clean laundry, they help. If I'm dusting, they pick up their own duster and help out.

Our kids do really well without us right in there with them and are not complaining about how things are. I shouldn't project my own thoughts on wondering how things should be if they aren't even feeling that way!

[lovemyfamily6]

Originally Posted by newmommy

I'm trying to figure out when did Moms (not you OP...in General) start feeling guilty for not playing with their kids?

I don't remember my mom or dad really playing with me too much either.

I think I feel guilty because I know and read about some mom's who spend a great deal of time playing with their kids. And I think then I compare myself to them and think that's what I should be doing too. I suppose just like you shouldn't compare kids, you shouldn't compare yourself to another parent either since all situations are different.

[Guava~Lush]

Originally Posted by newmommy

45 minutes each day.

I have a timer and I set it for 15 minutes in 3 intervals throughout the day: Morning, Midday and Evening.

I think it is very important for all children (with or without siblings) to be able to play independently.

Plus, I am terrible at Kid's play. I don't like it. But I committ to my 15 minutes...

My mom never played with me (I was on Only until Age 9) and I learned to play very well alone.

I'm trying to figure out when did Moms (not you OP...in General) start feeling guilty for not playing with their kids?

This struck me as a Wow post. Having a timer when playing with kids?
Never thought about that one before.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by Guava~Lush

This struck me as a Wow post. Having a timer when playing with kids?
Never thought about that one before.

Actually, I'm thinking of doing away with it. I'm not feeling good about it. I am sticking to my 15 minutes in interval though.

[zinemama]

None. I don't play with my kids. (They are 4 and 7)

I read to them, involve them in cooking projects, they help me around the house, I talk and sing with them while I'm doing housework, and I'm happy to admire their wondrous block/lego creations and the get-ups from the dress-up box they've put on. But I don't play with them. That is not something that interests me, and it's really not something I feel I must do, either. They play together. We do other things together.

If any parent wants to spend lots of time playing with her kids, that's fine. But feeling guilty for not? That's not so fine.

When, historically, have parents spent any significant amounts of time playing with their kids? Why on earth should we feel pressure to do it now? Historically, parents have done things with their kids, have taught them their craft or trade etc. And kids respond really well to that: mine are totally into helping me cook or do projects or sort laundry or whatever. It's how they learn essential skills.

[Guava~Lush]

mine are totally into helping me cook or do projects or sort laundry or whatever. It's how they learn essential skills

I agree with this.

I guess your kids dont ask you to play with them? Maybe because they have each other?

My son is an only and he does ask me to play with him. I am not going to say no every time. Thats just mean.

He plays with the neighbor kids and he has fun all by himself too. But he askes me to play too.

[ZanZansMommy]

Mine are 1.5 & 3.5 so they actually want me to play a lot. DD(3.5) is always trying to engage me, but honestly I don't like pretending to be a penguin stuck on an iceberg 6x a day. I finally told DD today that i just don't want to play right now & she looked stunned. I think it's good for her to play by herself at times.

Oh & when I do play I use a timer too, although i don't tell her what it's for.

[AKmoose]

This post is making me feel so much better about my parenting! My dds are 3 and almost 5, and I don't play with them at all. I have been feeling really guilty lately, like I'm some bad mom for not orchestrating these involved games and crafts...but reading from all you other moms with kids in this age range makes me feel normal again Well...as normal as a 30-week pg lady with 2 kids and a husband who's working long hours in a new city can feel
Anyway...thanks!

[Yooper]

I do not play with dd. I used to feel guilty about it but i do not enjoy it and we both get disappointed when i cannot get into it enough. Dd plays by herself or she helps me with whatever I am doing. We do read a lot though. And dd loves to just sit with me and have LONG conversations. We also do violin practice every day that dd asks (which is usually every single day......).

[arwenevenstar]

Originally Posted by zinemama

None. I don't play with my kids. (They are 4 and 7)

I read to them, involve them in cooking projects, they help me around the house, I talk and sing with them while I'm doing housework, and I'm happy to admire their wondrous block/lego creations and the get-ups from the dress-up box they've put on. But I don't play with them. That is not something that interests me, and it's really not something I feel I must do, either. They play together. We do other things together.

If any parent wants to spend lots of time playing with her kids, that's fine. But feeling guilty for not? That's not so fine.

When, historically, have parents spent any significant amounts of time playing with their kids? Why on earth should we feel pressure to do it now? Historically, parents have done things with their kids, have taught them their craft or trade etc. And kids respond really well to that: mine are totally into helping me cook or do projects or sort laundry or whatever. It's how they learn essential skills.

Same here.

But we do like to play board games with our kids. Our elder ds (7) is into chess now, so he can easily spend 2 - 3 hours on a weekend with is daddy (or me if he wants an easy game ) playing a "serious" game of chess. I will also play with the younger two (4 and 2) with jigsaws and board games, and we have spent time together sledding this weekend, but primarily I engage with them through cooking, tidying, folding clothes and their hobbies, ds#1 likes to stamp collect so I sit with him and help him with that if he needs it and we recently bought him a camera, so he and I go and take photos some days (but not exactly "playing") etc.

I would feel awkward playing in their imaginary games and I also don't think their true expression would come out as I would stifle them!

[Periwinkle]

Ooh there was one point I meant to make but forgot. I wrote that I don't think playing with kids all the time is a great idea. And here's the thing... for me, I think it's kind of unnatural. I also think households/parents whose lives revolve around the children can be unhealthy (for everyone). Intense focus on children's play and doing things the children want to do also seems like it could foster wonky values if you're not careful IMO. And lastly, I feel VERY strongly that adults often get in the way of creativity and imagination, and I don't like the whole shift these days in having the children pretty much doing adult-directed play all the time (music class, tee ball, art class, kiddie soccer, karate, piano lessons, and of course the mommy-down-on-the-floor all day long scenario we're talking about here). I'm not against any one of them in particular, I just thing in general kids are a) spending too much time being led by adults.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some Candy Land or Hi Ho Cherry-O lol and we do our fair share of coloring and making/playing with homemade playdough and playing in the sandbox, etc. We go to children's museums and playgrounds etc. But just saying that on the main, from a day in day out perspective, I actually try NOT to interfere too much with their play and I try to engage them in the work of the household and the goings-on of my and dh's lives, and NOT the other way around.

We may be one of the first generations throughout human history (!) with the "privilege" of being able to spend all day playing with our kids. Previously, the parents and other adults in the tribe/village were busy busy busy all day with the work of surviving and helping the community and working and/or tending house, etc. Just trying to think about Carolyn Ingalls opting to give-up her washing, cooking, tending animals, mending, praying, sewing, quilting, cleaning, and gardening on a regular basis to play with Laura and Mary. No, they were off exploring and making up their own games and having a ball. (And they also helped tremendously with the work of the farm and household.) So that's what I meant by "it's not natural."

Also, the fact is that I have a great deal of work to do to keep house myself, even with my modern appliances lol. This gives me more time to play with the kids, but I have a REALLY hard time imagining how I could spend HOURS every day down on the floor with the kids and still not have the dishes pile up, the laundry coming out our ears, the house clean, the grocery shopping done, healthy homemade meals prepared, gardening done, etc etc etc. Something's gotta give, kwim? While there are certainly days when I "let things go" -- whether due to a child being sick or just to go have a fun day at the Zoo with the family -- these are an exception to the rule.

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by zinemama

None. I don't play with my kids. (They are 4 and 7)

I read to them, involve them in cooking projects, they help me around the house, I talk and sing with them while I'm doing housework, and I'm happy to admire their wondrous block/lego creations and the get-ups from the dress-up box they've put on. But I don't play with them. That is not something that interests me, and it's really not something I feel I must do, either. They play together. We do other things together.

Me too. Mine are 3 and 5. They are wonderful playmates for each other. They play for most of the day, with occasional squabbles. They feed off each other's imagination. I don't think I could come up with some of the stuff that they do, tbh. And I feel that it's good for them to entertain themselves and use their own imagination.

I read to them, talk to them (obviously), admire the Lego and dress-up stuff like you say, and I take them places. I really enjoy doing things with them. Like, we take walks or I might take them to the zoo or the museum. I enjoy talking to them. I do not enjoy playing like a 3 or a 5 year old, to be completely honest. Oh, and I homeschool (I forgot to say that!). So, we have a lot of time together but also a lot of time apart. On some days, they rush by me with their stuff on some imaginary expedition and I just might not see them that much for several hours. They are very busy and happy. It works for us.

[Diane B]

On the days I'm home with my daughter (she's in daycare three days per week), we do lots of different things. Sometimes we do household stuff - cooking, laundry, sweeping, outside chores in nice weather, sometimes, we read books or listen to stories on CD, or run errands, and yes, sometimes I interact with her play. She is just turning three, and she plays more and more independently as she gets older, but I also like to spend some time each day entering HER world. I find it fun and interesting to see what she's thinking about and experimenting with.

My parents didn't play with me, but I had a sister and my daughter is an only child, so that's part of it. When we play together, I don't feel like I control or direct her play; I let her lead the way. As far as I can tell, she loves it and thrives on my attention. At both home and daycare, she is also perfectly capable of amusing herself, so I don't think this attention is inappropriate, or ruining her ability to entertain herself without adult assistance.

I found the book "Playful Parenting" to be very helpful about the importance of children's play, and how to engage with and connect with our children through play.