We have a donor...woohooo...resource request

[MujerMamaMismo]

Yay!! After several false starts, we finally have ourselves a donor! He's a straight friend who we just hadn't thought of - but he suggested it and is really into it! And so are we. We're really thrilled that he's hetero and that he and his partner are planning their own kids - it takes away a bit of the complexity (I hope!!).

Anyway, I'm on the lookout for reading and resources for donors. There is mountains of material for women available but I really would like to give him some suggested reading that is actually directed at him.

Any ideas?

[andimama]

Hi there.

Congrats on finding a known donor! My partner and I along with our 15 mos old DD have a wonderful relationship with our known donor ... he is a huge &very important part of our lives.

Anyway ... because of our mutual close relationship with him, we didn't go through any detailed donor agreements however he did sign away all of his parental rights so my partner can legally adopt our baby.
A great book we read while trying to get prego is The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception and Birth by Kim Toevs, and Stephanie Brill.
He might be interested in reading the sample donor agreements.

And be really clear and honest with him about what you want your relationship to be ... a good lawyer who is familiar with this will be able to help too and might be able to offer more literature for the known donors.

Good luck!

[MujerMamaMismo]

Thanks for that info.
Certainly, that book has been our bible since we started this journey over 18months ago...
And the parenting agreement samples are great, but not quite what we're after.

I really want to find stuff that's directed at donors and their partners...I guess about what to expect, what is expected of you, possible complications, health...that kind of stuff.

Does it exist?

Thanks again

[shoelace]

we were thinking seriously about using a kd and searched long and hard for the resources that you're looking for but found nothing. it was really frustrating. the closest thing i found was the book Helping the Stork: The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination by Vercollone, Moss, Moss. There is a tiny section on using a kd about what will be expected of him, but to be honest there's not much in it that you probably don't know already. it is also mainy geared to a het audience. hope you find what you need and good luck ttc.

[megincl]

Congratulations!!!! I know how huge it is to find the right person.

We have a known donor and have yet to find resources about the journey that really apply to the donor's perspective. I think that our best resource has been communication, so that's what I'd recommend, above anything else. Our donor was great at communicating with his entire family about what he was doing, so I'd definitely talk to your donor about figuring out who (if anyone) he wants to communicate this to. Doing it way ahead of time gives you the leisure of time and really figuring out the best way to do it.

We've always said we should write a book about our journey with our donor...perhaps we should actually move on that idea!!

good luck!
megin

[mishmish]

I have been on the search for KD materials for our guy and found very, very little. The few materials that I did find are geared more towards gay men, but they are written from the male experience perspective so they may be of some help. I have an electronic copy of the Berg article, so PM me if you would like a copy and I can get it for you.

1. "The Gift of Conception" by Andrew Berg. It was published in the Jan-Feb 2000 (col 3, no 1) issue of Alternative Family. Two page article written by a known donor that has 2 (possibly more now) children with a lesbian couple. He has, from the sound of the article, only minimal involvement in their lives. The article really focuses on the emotional impact of being a known donor.

2. Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men as known and anonymous sperm donors by Geoff Lobenstine
This book was recommended by the AI office at my clinic. It is published by the Men's Resource Center in Amherst, MA and is a collection of personal stories from known and anon donors. The only way to get a copy is to make a $10 donation to the center through their website (www.mrcforchange.org) and designate that you would like a copy mailed to you. I did order a copy and would recommend it as a great resource if your known donor is looking for a "in his voice" type resource. One note is that the booklet was written over 10 years ago, so the voice is very much centered in what was happening at that point and does not contemplate civil union/marriage issues, gender identity discussions, second parent adoption or other similar and more current topics. Oh and anonymous sperm donors in the title means sperm through a personal intermediary, not a sperm bank.

Hope those are helpful!

[MujerMamaMismo]

Hmmm - looks like there's an identified need out there for some donors to get together and make up a story or two!

Thanks all for your suggestions. They are intuitive and honest and I'm not sure if you can really ask for more!

[mama2rey]

We used this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/19/ma...rssnyt&emc=rss

to get the conversation started with our donor about what things will look like.

[witt]

yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm thrilled for you - keep us posted - our donor was straight too. did you ask your friends to ask men they knew????? tell all

we paid for our donor and his wife to have a counselling session at the local fertility clinic so they could work it out bet.wee.n (baby pushing buttons on keyboard!!!) them

[lorijds]

Maybe someone needs to write this book for donors. I didn't find much that was extremely helpful for me and my dh, who was or rather is a kd.

My dh was a kd for a couple I knew professionally. He didn't do any reading or research--he just talked to a couple of close friends, and decided it sounded like a good thing. He and I talked about the worst case scenarios from our perspective--that the couple would break up and the bio mom would demand child support, that the kid would show up on our doorstep in 15 years, etc--and decided that we would always keep the best interest of the child at heart and that we could deal with any of the scenarios we thought of.

My husband is not an involved donor. We haven't had any contact with the family since the baby was born. Not that we don't care--we just don't really know them that well, and honestly don't feel like we have any interest in the baby. We are happy she is healthy, we are happy the mamas are happy, and if they want to have any other children, dh will happily oblige. He said he just feels like it was like donating blood. A good thing to do, and he feels happy he could help; but he doesn't want or need a relationship out of it. The baby has two parents. He's not one of them.

Does that make sense? We aren't callous or uninterested in the baby. Just not connected. It seems like alot of kd are very involved with the baby. I guess I just wanted to give another kd-type of perspective. From the kd's wife? What a wierd, convoluted world this place is!

[MujerMamaMismo]

Originally Posted by witt

yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm thrilled for you - keep us posted - our donor was straight too. did you ask your friends to ask men they knew????? tell all

we paid for our donor and his wife to have a counselling session at the local fertility clinic so they could work it out bet.wee.n (baby pushing buttons on keyboard!!!) them

Actually what we did was sent out an email - originally it was intended for women folk only but it very quickly got forwarded farther and wider (like to half the industry I work in!) than I had expected. What resulted was 3 possibilities. 2 were people we hadn't ever met, one we ruled out, the other, we were about to start conversations with and then our actual donor popped his head in and said 'me me me' - and it just made sense.

Tis so exciting!

Thanks to everyone for your support and advice.