Adoptee Support, Take Two

[TigerTail]

Really three, since another short thread attempt was made by Em, but I'm just being OCD to even mention it.

(I hope the old thread can be archived after cleanup, Georgia- hint hint!)

I think I left off with the new issue of Bastardette. Any ungrateful bastards want to share? (Google, I don't think I am supposed to post the link. )

[momtoTnT]

I asked to join late yesterday afternoon, before the old thread got removed...and I'd love to share...I need all the support I can get right now

However, I'm not exactly sure what is meant by 'ungrateful bastards' Enlighten please? Ungrateful to who? I don't mean to sound stupid...I'm still trying to figure everything out.

[TigerTail]

www.bastards.org

Our lobby org for adoptee rights. It's strong stuff, and the blog attached is pretty powerful too. (You don't need to worry about it for support here, I was just being sassy.)

[momtoTnT]

Thanks! I kinda thought it was in that tone...but still not sure

I really missed out on most of the last thread - so I apologize if it's something that has been covered a million times before.

I was raised by my birth mother, but not birth father. My dad adopted me when I was 5 (bio-dad was paying support through that time apparently, and then my mom asked him to terminate his rights). I found all this out in 2004. I've since met my bio-dad and family, and we are working on getting to know each other now. It's a slow process, but it's been a good one.

The thing that I'm having a hard time with now is the reaction I'm getting from my "old" family - none of them wanted me to meet my "new" family - and it's been hard - my relationship with my parents and my sister have suffered incredibly....and I just don't know what to do or how to react - or if how I'm dealing with it is the "right" way.

Of course, that's not the entire story - just a snippet - I did post another thread with more of the story here though.

[Emilie]

Hi Treysonsmommy. I just read your other post.
The old thread will be up for viewing soon. You will find there that you are not alone in your feelings.
The lie your family put you thru of course affected you and your family. How awful. And to think that you would never find out or that you did not deserve to know is crazy!
I think it is wonderful you have connected with your bdad! I recently contacted mine and have been so grateful!
When my bmom knew him he was just out of prison. He now has a masters degree and works for the army! People do change.
Welcome! you will be supported here!
Emilie

[Skim]

nak, but I wanted to pop in to this thread and subscribe so I don't miss anything.

I've been following the previous (pulled) thread and am so happy you all are here. It's comforting to have a group of caring mamas - who also happen to be adopted - to listen to and to support each other around our unique adoption experiences. It was this group who helped me decide to search for my bdad. In fact, I just contacted the confidential intermediary agency today to get all the forms I need.

Thanks, mamas!

[Emilie]

That is wonderful!
I just got an email from my bio dad and we are doing the dna test this week. YIKES!
It is thru the mail and I should know within a week or two once I get it and send it back- I think.
I have been very pleased about finding him and knowing him and he has been as well. His wife has been not so happy- who can blame her- but it isn't like I am after money! LOL. But they have two sons and I can see her wanting to protect her family! I would mine! We will see!

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR JOURNEY!
I always thought I would not really care to much about the dad but I do feel we have a ton in common and a great connection. I like him alot.
Emiilie

[Skim]

Thank you, Emilie. Yeah, I am full of questions. I have been for years, but put it aside until I had money to pay an intermediary (IL will search for only one relative free of charge). And since no one who knew my bdad is alive in my bmom's family, including my bmom, there's only this way to find him. It is hard to keep the hopeful feelings small, or at least small enough to last the months it will take to know anything. Especially since I look so little like my bmom and her family, I want to know who I resemble!

And TT, I love bastardette. The opinions there and of other adoptees here in this thread and others (that shall ever remain nameless, ahem) helped me flesh out an essay about adoption for my last zine. I'm sure I'll be writing about the search for my bdad, too, eventually.

I hope he's alive.

I hope he wants to meet me.

[Emilie]

I hope so too.
The way I found my bio dad was that I knew where his family was from. The town. So I looked up the local newspaper and searched for his name then his last name- his mom had died so it had his name and new town- and I googled it.

Emilie

[TigerTail]

Originally Posted by Skim

And TT, I love bastardette. The opinions there and of other adoptees here in this thread and others (that shall ever remain nameless, ahem) helped me flesh out an essay about adoption for my last zine. I'm sure I'll be writing about the search for my bdad, too, eventually.

Who doesn't love a bastard ? (or bastardette ) Good luck with your search- my biodad is cross country & I have never had the money to meet him. (I'd love to read your zine, if you ever want to link!)

[momtoTnT]

Thanks for the welcome! It's nice to finally have a place where people understand and have btdt, or are going through it right now.

I also want to acknowledge how lucky I am in that when I did decide to search out my bdad it was a relatively easy process....from what I've read about other people so far, it's not the norm. My mom's sister is still friends with someone who is friends with bdad's sister - who happens to live just a few blocks from my parents. Once I met her (baunt?) everything just started to happen.

[moonbeem]

hello

Speaking of bio dads.... i'll be seeing mine today (YIKES) at a funeral. It's uncomfortable because the stepmonster banned him from my life. But i'll go for the sake of the rest of my family who tries to maintain "normal" relationships with me.

Skim, did you ever use a search angel? It is so hard to be in search phase. Sometimes i think reunion is hard, but thanks for reminding me that at least i know.

I still wish I had my unaltered birth cert. though. Sometimes i forget about Bastard, i went there yesterday after TT put the link. Reading thru my states laws on adoption was SICKENING. Why is it so F^#$&ng important for the government to ensure I have no way to find my PARENTS. WTF?

[TigerTail]

Because deep-pocketed industry lobbyists whine, "For the children", & tell horror stories of how we'll all be left in dumpsters without anonymity. Well, you knew that already . I mentioned it "for the lurkers"

[moonbeem]

IF it were about the best interests of the child which grows to be an adult (DUH) we would have our heritage.

[Skim]

Originally Posted by moonbeem

Skim, did you ever use a search angel? It is so hard to be in search phase. Sometimes i think reunion is hard, but thanks for reminding me that at least i know.

Nope. Don't know if one could help me since my adoption was done through DCFS, and confidential. What exactly does a search angel do? I thought they helped once you had some kind of information. I have NONE at all (not identifying info). Heck, I tried to get the name of my bdad through the atty. that represented my aparents, but my bmom told him that bdad was deceased so he didn't have it either. Apparently the DCFS does have his name, though.

Hope the funeral wasn't too awful. DP's dad just died the end of January and it's crazy how grief works. The funeral wasn't too bad, but I had to keep the girls with me in the "cry room" during the religious service, and it was -20 wind chill at the grave site with constant gusting winds. Glad that's over.

I am still hopeful about bdad, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been told bmom was pregnant. She was evidently pretty secretive about it because she was disowned for a while by her own family, and lived in a home of sorts toward the end of her pregnancy.

I am so anxious to start the search and PO'd I have to do it through a CI. It's not right that I don't know who he is, and that he probably doesn't know I even exist! That's just crappy. AND it's not free.

So yeah, tell me about the search angel...

[moonbeem]

I'll PM you a link to the org that helped me for free...their help turned out to be of great if indirect value that led me to find and there's lots of links to search angels.

angels are usually people who have a passion for helping others reunite and thru the site hopefully you'll find some one whose familiar with your state

the weather was terrible so we didn't end up goin to the service, kind of a relief.

[monkey's mom]

Hi and subbing.

Been grieving for my babyself lately. This is about the time when I was adopted, but I was born Jan. 18. It's not until having children and being AP, that that timeframe makes me so sad. A month of what, you know? Laying by myself in a hospital bassinette? My parents always joked/bragged about how I never cried when they got me. Yeah, no sh*t, I bet I didn't. :

I'm thinking that I've been in a lot of denial about the whole adoption part of my life--b/c there has been a lot of stuff lately that has made me very uncomfortable (discussion wise). And if it truly wasn't a the big deal I've stated it to be, then why would that be? I just don't want to be *that* damaged, you know? Like if I pretend, I can just be "above" all that unreasonable adoption angst.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by monkey's mom

I'm thinking that I've been in a lot of denial about the whole adoption part of my life--b/c there has been a lot of stuff lately that has made me very uncomfortable (discussion wise). And if it truly wasn't a the big deal I've stated it to be, then why would that be? I just don't want to be *that* damaged, you know? Like if I pretend, I can just be "above" all that unreasonable adoption angst.

Hm. May I suggest reframing this a bit?

In order to be 'undamaged' or 'minimally damaged', does that mean that you have to be completely comfortable with any discussion of adoption?

Or can a normal, reasonable person be allowed some discomfort over any given subject, if they're in the right (or wrong) mood, if they've been feeling sad lately, if they've been thinking about things in the same vein, so it's fresh in the memory?

Are you afraid of not being praised for being a 'well adjusted' adoptee (or conversely, worried about being disliked if you don't present whatever facade you feel is necessary, or that you're worried you may have been presenting in the past) if you dare disagree or have mixed feelings about any given topic/subject/conversation about adoption or related things?

I would submit to you that it is reasonable to have angst now and then. About anything. If you are in an intense period of mothering right now, I feel it would be more unusual for this to NOT trigger any sort of questions or sadness or mixed feelings, than for you to be thinking about this more. It's okay to have your viewpoint change. It's okay to have your sensitivity change! It's okay for them to flip flop!

Well adjusted does not mean always-complicit-happy-bunny. You can be well adjusted and very angry or sad. In my experience adoptees tend to be very afraid of acknowledging these very strong but healthy emotions because many of us have been told (either explictly or implicitly) that keeping part of oneself shrouded in secret is 'good', and to think otherwise means we are betraying the only family we know.

I am not sure that by dropping the 'pretending' that you'll therefore become damaged. If anything, I think acknowledging mixed feelings and allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that you need to feel in the intensity that you feel it will heal some of whatever damaged is there or reaffirm that you're not.

Just something to think about. It does not have to be all or nothing. Sometimes when people say things they are meant to be backhanded comments, but most of the time they're not. I'm glad you are not willing to pretend anymore! But if this is the first time you've really permitted yourself that freedom, then please allow time...the intensity of what you feel may lessen over time, and you may yet discover it's no big deal for you!

Discussing adoption is intense. I think it can (and often is!) be just as as intense and emotional as political discussion. (In a way, I guess, it is!) I don't think people who get worked up about politics or a blood-pressure-raising story in the news are damaged. It's part of the human experience, when something stirs us.

I just wanted to try to reassure you that you aren't necessarily damaged just because things are intense! That well adjusted normal people can become passionate about things (and be bothered by things that didn't bother them before! Or find they care less about others). Maybe there are some hurts you need to work through, that you didn't think were there. But isn't realizing that they might be there part of being healthy? Everyone deals with this a little differently, and that's okay.

[Naughty Dingo]

Hi there and subbing.

Skim, a cheaper possibility may be to contact the county court in the county of your adoption. In my case, they had an attorney who had access to the closed files and conducted the search for $100. The agency fee was $500 (and it was literally the same person who would have done the search!). If my bmother had not wanted contact, I would not have had access to any of the identifying info, which of course is the risk we take.

Also, it is worth a shot to just go ahead and petition the court to open your file. It is up to the discretion of the judge and can vary from court to court. In my case, the judge didn't open my file but the court clerk told me that all files in the court in the neighboring county were opened upon request. So you never know.

Good luck. ND

[monkey's mom]

Thanks TigerChild. Lots of processing and thinking here!