Adoptee Support, Take Two - Page 12

[TigerTail]

nope. and welcome. posts like yours are why i still even bother to talk about it all here. love to you, sister-adoptee.

[blessed]

Originally Posted by phoenixrisen

The strangest thing for me, which I've never spoken of, is this feeling that I'm reliving 'the moment' I was taken from my bmother. It is like that moment is somehow remembered by a part of me and lives down inside of me. It is triggered occasionally by things like watching a movie or reading this thread. Is that completely bizarre?

I think you're exactly right and that this is a real phenomenon. I'm convinced that I see this occurring in my 3 year old. And I imagine it will continue to occur throughout the remainder of her lifetime.

I imagine it to be like a raw spot inside that gets touched on by triggering events later in life, so that she relives those traumatic feelings. We know that this happens in people who have experienced all manner of emotional and physical trauma. I can't see any reason why abandonment or separation from parents at birth or beyond would somehow be exempt from this process. After all, it is the most profound fear of most living beings. There's not anything more terrifying and destablilizing to a child than the idea of being separated from her family.

[sonrisaa29]

So I haven't posted on here in a while, but I turn 30 this weekend and for some reason this birthday more than other has brought to mind that my birthmother is only 42 or 43 years old.

And that I may have siblings out there that I don't know about. Anyways, I am still working my way through the questions and answers that I am filling out for CC.

[kellyh]

Hi - new adopted mama here.

I've been trying to catch up on this entire thread. Some heavy stuff. I'm 37, and just recently found my b-mom. Happy to find a place to talk about it all with like-minded intelligent women. Just wanted to say hi. When I have the energy I'll post more background info.

[Emilie]

Hi. My bmom is here in Freeport to visit me. I am headed over to the hotel she is at right now.
I am so excited to see her.... she called friday and said she was coming. She got here today. I did not really think she would come!
I will keep you all posted.
Em

[momtoTnT]

I hope it goes well Emilie! I'm excited for you!

[momtoTnT]

It's been awhile since I've posted anywhere. Life has been busy. I was able to spend a good (almost) 2 weeks with my "new" family this summer - a few days here in WI when they (bdad and stepmom) got married - it was nice to get to know my youngest sister. We're JUST alike. It's eery. And super cool. I also went out there (CO) for about 10 days this fall. It was wonderful. I was able to be with people who are just like me. It's bittersweet though - missing out on all those years with them is sad, but I'm thrilled to be a part of their lives now.

Happy Holidays everyone, I hope everyone here is doing well.

Peace.

[Oka-san]

Emilie! Your birth mom is there to visit?! That’s awesome!! I’m so happy to hear this news from you, and I really, really want to hear how it goes. I hope you have a great time with her!

Treyson’sMommy, I know what you mean about the bittersweet feeling. Sometimes I feel sad when I think of the time I missed out on with my birth mom and my half-sister. But what’s done is done, and we can’t turn back time. All we can do is go forward and enjoy what we have as much as we can. I’m glad you have your birth family in your lives.

My birth mom is coming to visit on the 27th. I’m super-excited. This time she’ll stay with us in our home, so we’ll have even more time to spend together. I’m trying to figure out things for us to do, which of my friends to have her meet, stuff like that. I can’t wait.

I’ll be checking back to read your update, Emilie. Your good news just made my morning.

[Emilie]

Last night we went to the hotel( me and boyfriend) and just hung out with her and her boyfriend. It was a blast. She looks MUCH better- you can tell she is off the meth. She acted more normal too. Tonight she is coming to my apartment to hang out with me and the kids and that will be nice. Saturday the kids go to their dads so then I don't know what we'll do. It is exciting cause I never thought I'd see her again. So glad she is off the drugs.

[Oka-san]

Originally Posted by Emilie

She looks MUCH better- you can tell she is off the meth.

That’s so, so good to hear! It will be beneficial to your relationship with her for sure. It sounds like it already is. I’m glad that she’s off the drugs too.

It’s so cool that you and your boyfriend could hang out and have fun with her and her boyfriend. It’s nice that she’ll get to spend some time with your kids tonight, too. How long will she be in town?

I’m trying to figure out what kinds of things would be good for me and my birth mom to do as well. My husband will be gone while she’s here, so we’ll have plenty of time to spend with each other. When we’re together we just talk and talk and talk, so we’ll probably do lots of talking.

Please let us know how the rest of your bmom’s visit goes. I’m looking forward to more good updates!

[Emilie]

IT has been strange. The second night they came and hung out at my apt with the kids. Then the kids left the third day to go to their dads- so we hung out and took them out for a bit. Her boyfriend got drunk by like 3 so they went back to the room to rest with plans to get together for dinner later. They did not call. Yesterday they met my parents at a bar with me and boyfriend- but only stayed about 45 minutes and I have not seen them since. I believe they left this morning... but have had no contact.
My mom and her got along fine but it was awkward and strange.
Who knows. The whole thing was strange.
I think I have finally found that I do not need her- so as it was nice to see her and visit it was no where near the amazing soul connecting experience of last year.
It was just like visiting with anyone.
I also felt the whole time she was also disappointed. Who knows. She did not feel well most of the time.

Emilie

[papayapetunia]

Hi, I can't remember if I ever introduced myself here. I've read the thread a lot. I was adopted when I was almost 3, after my mom died in a car accident and my dad was deemed unfit (by my mom's family). I have everything I need to contact him, even his ss#, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Who knows if I ever will.

[Oka-san]

Emilie, that is kind of strange that she wouldn’t call you on the third day and just left without telling you. I wonder, maybe, if she was a little embarrassed that her boyfriend got drunk so early? Or the not feeling well part was her once again stopping the meth for a while so she could see you? I don’t know, it seems hard to figure out.

As for your mom and her being a little awkward together, that doesn’t surprise me at all. It was so weird for me having my mom meet my birth mom. It was probably weird for them too. The time they have spent together has always been with me there, so I’m thinking if they want to this time they can do something just the two of them. But only if they want to. I bet your mom and bmom were glad you were there that night.

I’m glad you got to see her and that it went okay, though! It may take a long time for you both to get comfortable. And it’s also good that you feel more grounded about the whole thing, not feeling like you need her so much, so you can incorporate her into your life on your own terms. It sounds like she’s trying, too. I hope you both can reach a happy balance some day.

And welcome Candice! It’s interesting that you have all the info about your bio dad but are hesitant to contact him. I was sort of the same way with my birth mom. I knew (or, my mom really knew, I actually had it wrong) her maiden name, and some old addresses, things like that, things that I could probably have used to find her, but I was afraid to try to contact her. Who knows if I ever would have or not, because then the decision was basically taken out of my hands. But I’m so, so glad it was, because that was what brought us together. Is there a specific reason you can pinpoint for not wanting to contact him? Or is it just a general feeling? Maybe if you can isolate what the reason is, you can work it through and figure out how to proceed with either trying to find him or deciding it’s not something you want to do.

As for me, my birth mom arrives tomorrow. I’m so excited! Now I have to get the guest room ready for her and clean the house. We just moved and I’m excited to have her see our new place. I’m also leaving my Christmas decorations up for her. I can’t wait!!

[Emilie]

Good luck!

[papayapetunia]

Originally Posted by Oka-san

And welcome Candice! It’s interesting that you have all the info about your bio dad but are hesitant to contact him. I was sort of the same way with my birth mom. I knew (or, my mom really knew, I actually had it wrong) her maiden name, and some old addresses, things like that, things that I could probably have used to find her, but I was afraid to try to contact her. Who knows if I ever would have or not, because then the decision was basically taken out of my hands. But I’m so, so glad it was, because that was what brought us together. Is there a specific reason you can pinpoint for not wanting to contact him? Or is it just a general feeling? Maybe if you can isolate what the reason is, you can work it through and figure out how to proceed with either trying to find him or deciding it’s not something you want to do.

As for me, my birth mom arrives tomorrow. I’m so excited! Now I have to get the guest room ready for her and clean the house. We just moved and I’m excited to have her see our new place. I’m also leaving my Christmas decorations up for her. I can’t wait!!

I hope you have a good time with your birth mom.

I am hesitant, I guess, because I'm afraid that he is someone who I don't want to know. I have his conviction record, and there is a child abuse conviction along with numerous drug and alcohol related crimes. I only have the record up until 1980, so he very well could have changed for the better, but it's hard to know. I guess I also worry about rejection, either that I will disrupt his life, or he'll be disappointed in who I am. I'm also kind of a comfort-zone kind of person. I don't really like going to people's houses and things like that. So I worry that having a new person in my life will stress me out.

[Emilie]

my bdad was just out of prison when I was concienved. He has now a masters degree and a nice family. Too nice to want me in their lives. lol.
I had the same fears.

[Earthly_Joys]

I am so excited! I had completely given up hope on finding any of my birth family. I received two emails last night through adoptionregistry! One from a woman who thinks her sister may be my mother and then like 30 minutes later from a woman who thinks she is my mom. I know it could be a scam, a long shot, a coincidence but they both mentioned a lot of details that would be right. I emailed them both back saying I'd like to speak with them more and that I was glad to hear from them. What do I do now?? What next?? I've been looking for 5 years and this is the very first time I've ever had a hit, ever! Help!

Elizabeth

[momtoTnT]

Well, I got through the holidays without much drama Which of course is good. I had an actual conversation with my adad a couple of weeks before Christmas. It was the first time we've spoken of "IT". He told me that he always wanted me to know the truth, but my mom didn't want me to know. This is the complete opposite of what others (my mom's family mainly) have told me. I don't know what to believe in that regard. On one hand, him telling me he wanted me to know fits in with the way he and my mom raised us - family is family no matter what the blood line - on the other hand, he's a raging alcoholic who lies to me constantly.

UGh.

In that conversation, I told him how thankful and happy I am to finally know my roots. I also reassured him that my bdad does not want to "take his place" and that I don't feel any differently towards my adad - other than I have more respect for him because he CHOSE to be my father at 17 years old. That's a big responsibility for a kid to take on voluntarily. Then I told him that I hope that one day, he wants to meet my sisters. I have zero expectation of him wanting to meet my bdad, and I'm ok with that. His response was that they are NOT my sisters, and he will NEVER want to meet them. That the only sister I have is A (who I was raised with). It made me profoundly sad, but I also understand. It didn't help that he was drunk when we had this talk. But he usually is.

The good news - actually the FANTASTIC news, is that my sister A is coming around. She actually approached me about going on vacation together just her and me, out to CO to see them. We are going in May to spend about 4 days with my sisters, their families, and my bdad and stepmom. I can't wait. She can't wait. I think it will be great for all of us. We are planning on all getting matching tattoos while we are out there - 'sister tattoos' something that will be a physical reminder of our bond.