Adoptee Support, Take Two - Page 3

[VegHipMama]

Originally Posted by TigerTail

No please, thank you for addressing it better than I did. (All I had in me was a 'sigh' at that point. EXCELLENT post.)

Me three, Tigerchild. We have to step through the minefield every day to keep everyone else's sensibilities protected....here, now, this is for us.

[moonbeem]

re #22

Unless we officially get the green light to be in the adoption forum i agree this is our own little thread...If amoms have questions for us then put it in the main forum....Krystyn, i've seen you say a couple of times you view the adoption forum as a parenting place, but "adoption" exisits because of first moms and adoptees....we may have become parents too, and struggle with issues due to adoption.

Now here's a quote from the article TT linked. I would be suprised if funding is much less because the Bush families are linked to the adoption industry as well, despite all kinds of cuts in social programs to fund his war, i doubt a pet project would have taken a hit.
What an interesting government policy when compared to the welfare program that the same child’s mother may have been on before losing her children, and in which she may not own anything, must prove that she has no money in the bank; no boats, real estate, stocks or bonds; and cannot even own a car that is safe to drive worth over $1000. This is all so she can collect $539 per month for herself and two children. The foster parent who gets her children gets $820 plus. We spit on the mother on welfare as a parasite who is bleeding the taxpayers, yet we hold the foster and adoptive parents [who are bleeding ten times as much from the taxpayers] up as saints. The adoptive and foster parents aren’t subjected to psychological evaluations, ink blot tests, MMPI’s, drug & alcohol evaluations, or urine screens as the parents are.


This is what is DEPLORABLE!!!! Families are in danger.

[Emilie]

agreed/

[krystyn33]

You are right, the lack of support for families in need in this country is deplorable.

Moon, that's why I put in a plug to move the Adoption sub-forum out of "Parenting Issues." I believe our discussions belong with adoption, but not every thread will pertain to parenting... Plus, when I first joined MDC I was excited to explore the adoption forum and assumed it was intended for a-parents because of its placement under parenting.

[hhurd]

Originally Posted by feyfollow

but has anyone on the thread ever had a good experience with their adoption? Now don't flame me please, as it is a wholeheartedly honest question. The reason I ask, is that I adopted my son 2.5 years ago (as an infant), and absolutely worry about his wellbeing as he grows up.

I think that's a worthwhile question asked for the right reason, and since I'm an "adoptee" I believe I'm allowed to answer it. Yes, many people have had good experiences with adoption, as you put it. I'm one of them. You can pm me if you'd like to know more.

[Emilie]

Originally Posted by feyfollow

Hi,

I know this is a thread for Adoptee Support, and I did not get a chance to look at the other thread, but has anyone on the thread ever had a good experience with their adoption? Now don't flame me please, as it is a wholeheartedly honest question. The reason I ask, is that I adopted my son 2.5 years ago (as an infant), and absolutely worry about his wellbeing as he grows up.

We are a newer adoptive family, and ours of course is more open (more so than our agency ever wanted it to be). However, sorry to say for my son, his BDad is deceased, his BMom had contact for 3 months and disappeared, and his paternal Grandma has recently shut down contact. I love his Grandma, and hope she some day starts talking to us again, but I think watching him grow may have been a little much for her at the moment. So, I have not pushed that. However, as my son gets older, I do have pics on his wall, letters, and cards to show him, but if there is no contact, there is no contact. I would have no problem with helping him find his BMom, and I know how to get a hold of his Grandma, but how I do worry that he will be bitter toward his birthfamily. I never want this, as this was an incredibly tough decision for his BMom, and I thank her every day. So if you had a chance to tell your parents how you wanted them to treat this situcation, what would you do? Or, have any of you actually experienced something like this?

TT I am sorry that you are so hurt. I do not know, nor would I ever pry into, what happened, and I do hope you find what you need. Alas, you are correct, adoption is a big business. However, it is not just by agencies. We were scammed out of money by 2 supposed BMoms, and our agency (whom missed this) was unforgiving.

Ok.... I want to answer to this based on others reading this thread and wondering why ....
This is part of the deal. It sucks big time and is very shameful- but you are an adult and you knew this was a possiblity when going into it.
We also had a little girl for 10 days earlier last year, when her Mom called us, and threatened to kill herself if she did not get her back. She wanted to borrow money from me for some formula, diapers, clothes, and a car seat as she had no money or job at the time. Yes, I was upset to have to give her back, but it was her Mom. Asking me for money after she wanted her back hurt. I did not give it to her, but I did give her all of those things that I would not need anyway. It was just to make sure that she did not have any undue expenses for at least a month, and that baby had all she needed. However, I dressed her, kissed her, and prayed that she would have a wonderful life. As she loved by so many, it should not be a problem.

I am very sorry this happened for you. I could not imagine the pain you felt.
This is a pain many birthmothers feel when relinquishing their babies.
I had this happen to my cousin and it was very hard for our entire family. The birthmother too continuously made bad choices and it was hard to not think badly of her due to her circumstance. But you are right- it was HER child and many birthmothers have no idea how painful and horrific actually giving away your child will be until it is done and the pain does not subside.

All in all, those losses, plus our son's adoption, totaled around $45,000. We are not rich, and we are still paying on my son's adoption.

Again- this is YOUR choice as an adult to adopt a child. I am sorry that it costs you so much money but this is how the program is set up. I would also like to mention to you- that talk about how much your children "cost you" can be very hurtful to an adopttee.

We are looking into an international one now, and the agencies are not the ones taking most of the money, it's the countries and the facilitators in those countries. The average adoption of a foreign child is $27,000 (some higher and lower).
This is higher than the majority of domestic infant adoptions, and Americans adopt 15,000+ children a year. The US gov't charges major dollars for application fees, visa fees, medical exam fees, etc. So again, yes very very big business. I never did look into the US foster care system.

Again- this is your choice to adopt.

It's not always sunshine enemas for adoptive Moms either....

I highly suggest you read The Primal Wound if you had not already.
I do not consider my adoption to be a bad case by far.
Emilie

[georgia]

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[MotheringBliss]

Sunshine enema!!?

Dang, I sure could use one of those

Especially after all of the blood letting I've been doing on the Adoption forum.

Shocked into reality Firstmother here just facing the repercussions of a 10 year old relinquishment.

I'm trying to find a way to compassionately clue in frightened expecting mothers and seeking adoptive parents (who desire a domestic infant) to the cold hard reality of separation trauma.

I get alot of folks in defensive denial and continuing on with the cherished belief that the mother's decision is/was "selfless" and the adoptive parents are doing her and the babe a favor. How is that view truth when the damage is often lifelong and the baby having no voice other than it's unrealized innate expectations of the continued bond with mom?

My mother told me that giving away my daughter was the most responsible thing I'd ever done. How could that be accurate if my motives to relinquish were based in fears of not being able to respond adequately to her needs? : Seems by far the most irresponsible act possible.

A new life conceived through three forms of birth control and born on my birthday should have been the biggest hint ever from the universe that I was meant to be with her and to spend those gestation months getting help, working through fears, and trusting that all would be provided for since this was clearly beyond my control. Instead I scrambled to find the "right" couple, overwhelmed, faithless, and disillusioned.

Is it even possible to reach those making statements like "Choosing to parent your baby is selfish, you're just trying ease your own pain." Where is the foundation of that kind of perspective? I'm desperate to understand since that was the kind of attitude surrounding me. How could I help others see a view rooted in unshakeable reality rather than glorification of a perpetuated lie? Why is it harder for people to help mothers stay bonded to their children than other options? It can't all be the industry can it? There must be some other unaknowledged collective fear of empowering women. Any ideas?

With Gratitude

[Skim]

MB, :

Originally Posted by MotheringBliss

Why is it harder for people to help mothers stay bonded to their children than other options? It can't all be the industry can it? There must be some other unaknowledged collective fear of empowering women. Any ideas?

This is so, so important. No answers yet, but I need to think about this a lot. Thank you.

[VegHipMama]

MB,

You bring up so many important points. I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.

[transformed]

Birthmom

I am not really sure what the topic is in this thread, but I am a birthmother, in case anyone has any questions about my personal experience with adoption. I belive it was a wonderful situation, in our case, and I know that my daughters parents are a wonderful (all-be-it probably not perfect) mama and dadda.

Just thought I would throw that out there.:

[Skim]

Originally Posted by jenniferlearnest

I am not really sure what the topic is in this thread, but

Adoptee Support.

[krystyn33]

[QUOTE=MotheringBliss;7419142Is it even possible to reach those making statements like "Choosing to parent your baby is selfish, you're just trying ease your own pain." Where is the foundation of that kind of perspective? I'm desperate to understand since that was the kind of attitude surrounding me. How could I help others see a view rooted in unshakeable reality rather than glorification of a perpetuated lie? Why is it harder for people to help mothers stay bonded to their children than other options? It can't all be the industry can it? There must be some other unaknowledged collective fear of empowering women. Any ideas?

With Gratitude[/QUOTE]

I'm with Skim--a lot to think about here. I don't think it is all the industry--it is very complicated and on top of that each mom's circumstances surrounding her relinquishment are unique. Fundamentally though, the lack of support systems for preg women in crisis deperately needs to change. And we need UNBIASED support (thinking of the "pregnant, need help?" ads that represent adoption placement interests) or maybe if there is some bias it comes from other b-moms who can counsel out of personal experience...

[Emilie]

yes.

[georgia]

Hi, everyone! I'd like to welcome anyone who would like to discuss topics other than Adoptee issues to please start a new thread here in Personal Growth

There are many important facets, opinions and perspectives surrounding adoption, and it's important everyone be able to comfortably discuss their feelings and concerns in a thread most related to their Personal Growth needs. Please PM me if there are any questions or concerns. Thanks!

[momtoTnT]

Just wanted to give you a hug. Last week, I was feeling pretty hostile...and hurt...and angry...and sad...and...well...yeah. It sucks.

[Mom2lilpeeps]

for you Elizabeth.

Peace

[Isamama]

I hear that you are hurting. I can totally relate to having your siblings look like your aparents. The older I get the less I feel a part of the family that raised me. The familiar likeness just keeps sreaming: ADOPTED, ADOPTED to me who does not look like them.

I am so sorry to hear that you will not be able to have a biological child. I can only imagine how painful that is. We hear you! Thank you for posting.

[TigerTail]

I'm so sorry, Elizabeth.

Manuela at the blog 'thin pink line' is one of the most articulate adoptees discussing her infertility issues I've ever read. If you haven't gone there yet, I recommend it.

Thank you for pointing out the feeling of 'other'; even with perfectly wonderful a-parents, when we are in large groups as 'family', they all go together in a way that I never will. It's reality, not some issues on my part.

When I've talked to my bparents, it finally clicked. These are people like me. There ARE people like me. That talk like me, look like me, have some of the same medical issues as me- good Lord, not only is my bmom where I got my reading bug, but we like the same authors!

I hope someday you can find that. Horny teenagers or not , it is a fulfilling kind of heartache to know these people. And it's our RIGHT. Not a whim that everyone in the triad needs to give permission for (getting my adad to sign it was humiliating, like a permission slip- I was nearly 30!), our RIGHT.

[Emilie]

How do you adult adoptees deal with loss? Loss of a loved one- either thru death or seperation? I am curiuos because I look at my first boyfriends- the loss of my first love and how profoundly it affects me to this day.
Then and now. I wonder if this has anything to do with being adopted?
It is hard to know what is different since- you aren't two people? It is hard to know what is not the norm of feelings and dealing with things.
Emilie