Anger and he's not gone yet

[Suzannah]

Long story, very short...

My father was diagnosed with PNET (childhood cancer) 6 years ago. He has always said from the beginning that he wanted heroic measures to prolong life, regardless of his condition or the state of his family and/or their finances.

Thursday (2/15) the doctor said he would be gone by Friday (kidneys functioning at 10%). Today he is still bed-ridden but eating, doing business on the phone, ordering everyone around and calling his oncologist about the possibility of dialysis and starting chemo again. I have been here with my mom through the whole six years (they initially only gave him two years, and that was with him getting his leg amputated, which he did not do). He has almost died three times before this one.

I am so angry with him, and I don't want to see him. Everyone flew into town to say goodbye and be with him, he woke people up from their hotel rooms because he "wasn't sure if this was it or not." My mom is almost completely drained. He cannot go to the bathroom by himself, but all of the family that came in has to go back to their jobs (because he says he isn't dying), so our next step is in-patient hospice, but who knows how that conversation is going to go (he was telling someone on the phone that just because he is in hospice care doesn't mean he is dying).

I am angry and tired and I can't keep going up and down like this. My 6 year old DD can't even get close to me without me biting her head off. I don't want him to die. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to be hooked up to tubes and a ventilator (he does; he says coma is just your body saying it needs to rest), and I don't want my mom to be wiped out because my dad won't face the reality that he is dying.

I don't know why I am posting here. I have spoken to my mom; she understands. She feels the same way. I don't know how to deal with the fact that one week ago I was sprinting out of my job to be at my father's deathbed, and today he is telling me that he is going to keep fighting the cancer (which is no longer the primary issue). We are supposed to stay with them this weekend, and I don't even want to be in the same room with him. And I feel like when he does die I am going to be wracked with guilt for even thinking this, much less typing it or saying it out loud.

[carmel23]

I don't know what to say, but I couldn't read this without at least adding that

the death of one's parent(s) is one of the most heavy things we go through (if that makes sense : )

you will likely feel all kind of emotions--don't beat yourself up over them. You obviously love you dad, even when you feel like you can't stand to be around him. So just let the love overtake the other emotions--but don't force it, or force yourself to feel cetain ways.

Also, it is your dad's death--we can only die alone so although life is taken in one sense, we also accept it and give into it at the same time. I think we can each die in our own way. Let your dad do what he needs to do--it must be pretty scary esp. if you've never really thought about death in life.

good luck and don't beat yourself up! try to enjoy your dad while he is still around. sometimes not confronting the 'issue' makes everyone see that there really isn't an issue and we can just enjoy each other.

[corwinegall]

[Kaitnbugsmom]

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[siddie]

It is exhausting emotionally but remember, he isn't ready or he would let go. If your Dad weren't such a strong person and had given up when first diagnosed, he probably would have gone years ago. It is his journey alone as the other poster said, he needs to be able to make the choices good or bad for himself. He is probably afraid...

I have been there with my Mom around Christmas, we didn't know if she would make it or not. A LOT of old feelings came up for all of us, especially anger. Maybe you can take some time out and have some time with your child getting centered for a while? Something like staying home and cooking together, reading, going to the park? Trying to forget about it for just a little while.

I was a terrible mess when my Mom was sick and had to take my ds with me. The whole family was there and there was a lot of fighting.

I took my ds to the park when Mom was in the hospital and one of life's coincidences put a woman whose Mom had recently died of the same disease (copd) on the park bench next to me. We had a nice talk.