Frustrated by at home parties

[mightymoo]

So we moved cross country a year ago. I've yet to make any friends as I could consider them, though I have more acquaintences now. One of the ways I am working on making friends is through a local mother's club. I'm making headway because now I'm on folks list for these at home parties. I've been invited to 3 or 4. But I can't afford to go and buy stuff! I went to one and got some good christmas presents, but now they are all for things like jewelry and handbags. Honestly, I just started carrying a purse a year ago, I don't need more than one and I never wear jewelry.

I feel like these are my opportunities to make friends but I have to pass them up since I can't afford or don't want the items. Why does everything have to revolve around consumerism?

[JanB]

Well, this might not be true in all cases, but my experience with this kind of thing is that the people who are interested in being your friends will be interested in meeting up for coffee, or mom's night out, or playdates, etc. If your only social invitations from a particular person or group of people is to these sales parties, that is kind of a red flag for me that they are just interested in making more profits. I have trouble making friends too, and one day at preschool drop-off, I was excited because another mother asked what I was doing while the kids were at school, and suggested we have coffee together. It turns out she is a Mary Kay consultant and she spent the entire time trying to sell me products and convincing me to become a sales associate (so she could get a commission, of course). It was very disappointing, and although she tried to remain friendly with me, there was always this undercurrent of, "And if we are friends, of course you will buy Mary Kay products from me, right?" that I was very turned off by.

I honestly would just try harder to plan social gatherings with these people apart from the home parties and just explain that you're not interested in purses/jewelry or that you are trying to live frugally for the time being or whatever. I hate home sales parties so I know how you feel. And I really resent when that element of salesmanship enters into what could otherwise be a developing friendship. It's like, do you want to be friends with me, or do you just want me as a customer?

Maybe the next time someone invites you to a home party, politely decline but instead suggest a "get to know you" play date or coffee date or something? Or find a new mothers' group.

[D&S Mom]

Maybe just invite a couple over to dinner some night or to come over for a playdate with the kids? I know what you mean about those parties. They kind of make you feel obligated to buy stuff. I had a good friend that held lots of those parties but she always said "why don't you come over to just get out of the house and not buy anything?" She was great. So I think it depends on the mood.

Another idea, maybe you could talk to the host and say "Well I don't use those things but I'd love to come give you a hand with the party." That might be nice.

[mightymoo]

Well, none of the folks inviting me are actually the consultants, but I know they get more for the more people they invite. I know I'm mostly getting invited to be more headcount, more free stuff, but its my chance to get to know them better to do more things. I'm mostly invited because I'm now a position holder (my way of getting to know people better) and these folks are board members, they want to include new members, etc. Honestly, I don't feel I know them well enough to just say 'come over for a playdate', I just don't feel comfortable doing that until I really feel I've found someone I click with - which is part of my problem. I've actually gone to game nights with them too, and the club has mother's nights out I've yet to be able to make, but because we are all busy these opportunities are few and far between, so its frustrating half of them are retail related.

I guess I'm just frustrated because I don't feel like I can get to know people at playdates or anything where kids are involved. I'm actually the children's events coordinator, but with kids you get about 3 words in before being pulled in the other direction or having to run off after a toddler. Sigh!

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by D&S Mom

Maybe just invite a couple over to dinner some night or to come over for a playdate with the kids? I know what you mean about those parties. They kind of make you feel obligated to buy stuff. I had a good friend that held lots of those parties but she always said "why don't you come over to just get out of the house and not buy anything?" She was great. So I think it depends on the mood.

Another idea, maybe you could talk to the host and say "Well I don't use those things but I'd love to come give you a hand with the party." That might be nice.

Yeah, I might next time - the invite that brought this on is for a 'handbag party', I might have just gone and not bought anything if it was say for housewares, but this is one of those 'design your own' - I would look really odd not doing it I think! LOL

[VaDoula]

If you are interested in making friends, but too shy to just invite on of these people you could host your own party. Not to sell anything but you could make invitations for a mom's brunch or something. Hand them out casually like they hand out their party invites. It is a gamble, but hopefully you will be pleasently surprised to see if anyone shows up to socialize and not be a consumer just to make friends. You may meet someone in your position.

[sanguine_speed]

I can't stand those parties either! The worst for me is knowing that because they tend to be pyramid schemes, even if you do pay for the items and you actually want them, you're paying several times the actual cost of the item just to pay so many people their cut. Kind of like retail, but worse! Plus the awkwardness. I don't like having business interfere with personal friendships like that either. I would never do it myself because I couldn't cross that line.

[McFeelings]

I just decline to go. I've never felt comfortable with this sort of relationship marketing. I've become even less inclined to buy from any sort of pyramid marketing company since I found this Mary-Kay related website: www.pinktruth.com

But if someone gives you an invite to one of these things, would you feel comfortable turning it around into an invite right back? If they call you to invite, you could just say, Oh I'm sorry I can't make it but I would LOVE to spend some non-kid time together. Why don't you come by for coffee/meet at Starbucks next Saturday morning?

[Vanessa]

Seriously, have your own non-consumer party. I had a cookie decorating party at my house at Christmas time for a bunch of acquaintances and their kids, and I've started to really get to know some of the people that came.

I get invited to the at home parties. I don't usually go, but sometimes I do. I usually tell the hostess that I don't really plan on spending anything and they say something like, "That's fine. I just wanted to have a party." to which I think, "well, then why didn't you *just* have a party?"

I hate the whole sales pitch aspect of it. Do something fun and seasonal. I know I would love to be invited. Have an all green St. Patrick's picnic or an Easter egg decorating contest or.... Someone needs to take back parties for fun and not have them all be about spending.

[lmonter]

Originally Posted by Vanessa

Seriously, have your own non-consumer party. I had a cookie decorating party at my house at Christmas time for a bunch of acquaintances and their kids, and I've started to really get to know some of the people that came.
Do something fun and seasonal. I know I would love to be invited. Have an all green St. Patrick's picnic or an Easter egg decorating contest or.... Someone needs to take back parties for fun and not have them all be about spending.

Oooh, you just gave me some good ideas for my local mommies group. Right now our "Mom's Night Out" includes board games and hanging out at the local donut shop (at $.65/fresh donut it's more budget friendly than Applebee's).

[UmmBnB]

I hate those things and never go no matter how good the friend is who's giving it.

[Vanessa]

Originally Posted by lmonter

Oooh, you just gave me some good ideas for my local mommies group. Right now our "Mom's Night Out" includes board games and hanging out at the local donut shop (at $.65/fresh donut it's more budget friendly than Applebee's).

Cool! I like your board game and donut idea too. I actually just sent an email to some friends and see if they want to join me for a St. Patricks day picnic.