UC and alternatives

[Spark]

Hi there. Thanks for reading this post. My husband and I are TTC our second child. Our son was born at home into my husband's hands as our midwife watched. If/when we are expecting again, I would love to try UC. Right now, my husband thinks I'm nuts. But, before Jude was born, he thought I was nuts for wanting a homebirth. Now he's a big advocate of homebirth. He actually shudders when he hears other tell of their hospital birth routines & interventions.

He may come around to the idea of UC and he may not. I accept his role as the father of our child and value his opinion. However, I will be the one giving birth here!

Also, my midwife we used for Jude's birth is a big supporter of UC. She actually makes well baby visits to UC families and offers them prenatal support if they want it. I remember her getting a call from one of her UC couples while we were in for a prenatal. I heard her say, "You two really know how to birth babies so beautifully... Do you feel like you need some other support from me?" When she hung up she said to Jason and me, "You might want to consider freebirth in the future. It's a wonderful way to bring a child into the world."

My question is this -- What are some alternative to UC? I'm trying to think of something that Jason would be comfortable with, or at least possibly stretch to accomadate me. How did you handle partners that may or may not have been crazy about the idea?

[Dodo]

Since you have a relationship with a supportive midwife, would it be possible to retain her services on an on-call basis? Make an initial payment, asking her to be available. Or would that ruin the unassisted aspect for you?

[2much2luv]

I agree with Dodo. If it would help your dh feel better consider having your midwife 'on-call'
I also want to say that since you are TTC at this point you have at least 9 months to prepare. I am guessing that with preperation and lots of talking and learning your dh will come around. The first time I mentioned UC to my dh this time he was ok, but nervous. I could see it in his face and hear it in his voice. A few days later though, he was all for it and is more confident about it than I am at this point. I don;t know your dh but he sounds pretty smart. I bet he'll come around, Since your midwife is so in favor of UC you could have her remind him that you are great candidates for it. He'll come around.

[indigolilybear]

I know people who have done this and been happy w/it. I **personally** think that it is one of the best gifts of freebirth to really show w/action that you truly are trusting your partner in such a deep way. This was a really profound series of steps (as most of the "trial" of this birth was during the pregnancy) for us and since we knew all along that it would be just "us" (as it would afterwards...and forever ). I believe that it really shifted my DH's attention to me, the family, the baby, in a deep and profound way. He didn't feel like, "it's okay, there's a MW here/there at the birth"; he *knew* it was just us.

Of course there are all sorts of variations and issues that come up w/birth. I personally felt strongly about this aspect of it...that we really couldn't have a MW there, even if it was just in the mental picture during the pregnancy. I wanted to tell DH (and wanted him to tell me) that I trusted him with this and knew we could do it (though I didn't always! LOL). Even if we had ended up going to the hospital or something, we woulda walked through 9 months of holding our responsibilities to each other and our families mindfully in our hearts which is a huge thing as well. When you deal w/your fears for birth, they are interlinked to death, which IMO/IME really reduces things to their simplest level.....you remember what is truly important!
Sorry if this is unclear. HTH

[citizenfong]

Hey, Claire! I didn't know you were considering a UC for your next birth. We are too!

I don't know what kind of guy your husband is, mine kind of already had a secret desire for UC, though he didn't really realize it. He made comments before our first birth about staying home instead of going to the hospital and just doing it ourselves. I thought at the time he was joking, and I think he did too but now I understand differently.

That said, when we started investigating different options in our area to exclude the possibility of a hospital birth, he said, "You're not going to want to do it unassisted, are you?" A week later he told someone we were probably going to go UC next time. Ha! I asked him later why he accepted the idea so readily, kind of before I did. He said, "I trust you and I see how much research and thought you are putting into this just like you have with all the decisions we've made about our family so far. I trust that you're not going to make a crazy decision that puts our baby or you at risk." Wow! Who knew?

Anyway, one thing that always helps to strengthen dh's resolve is to get him in a postion to have to defend your choices just a bit. Even if he has to defend that you all are even thinking of it. I don't mean set him up or anything, just look for opportunities to float the topic with someone whose initial reaction might be negative. Often my dh is able to kind of crystalize what he DOES support about an idea and what he is really worried about.

It also helps if you can get him to explain (over time, little by little, if he's, well, if he's male, lol) what his concerns are. Sometimes they are easily dispelled. It has helped both of us tremendously to identify what we both want for our next birth. My dh still has some concerns, mostly legal, and every once in a while I gently bring up something I've read or heard, information or a line of reasoning. He doesn't always respond positively right away. And that's okay, since I'm still working on some stuff too.

Lastly, he LOVES some of the theories I've introduced him to from my reading. He is willing to do some reading if I ask him, though it's not his favorite topic. I try to pick carefully what I really want him to take the time to read. Anyway, he absolutely adores the idea that childbirth can be the culmination (sp?) of the act that began 9m earlier. Once he saw how he could really be a full-on participant in the birth, he was totally sold. Of course, he owns a home dental kit and has offered to remove a mole for me before, lol. But I really think the appeal grows out of him having been "allowed" to catch ds in our hospital birth. That was a very powerful moment for him.

I don't know if any of that helps. What books are you reading? We'll have to discuss all this more when we both finally get preggers!

Tracy

[cottonwood]

Tracy, I like the way your husband thinks! It's really true that so much of the specialized knowledge that the "experts" tout as some big deal that took them years to learn, is really not important for the vast majority of births. I mean, if you're planning on having an episiotomy, I suggest you go to the hospital. You know? But otherwise... for a healthy mother and healthy baby (and whatever other conditions you feel most comfortable with) most of that "special knowledge" is simply irrelevant. Doctors are really no more than technicians, and when it comes to normal, natural birth, bads ones at that. You can do better. Your husband can do better.

I also brought my husband around in the same way -- mostly just slipping bits of philosophy into conversation, rather than sitting him down and saying, "look, we need to talk about this and decide this once and for all." I suspect that would have made him very nervous. (It would have made *me* very nervous!) Or I would read something especially compelling in a book and say, "wow, listen to this!" and start reading enthusiastically. I also asked him to watch a few UC videos and A Baby Story homebirth shows with me, which he was slightly uncomfortable with (he's very modest, thinking back on it I should have just had him watch them alone!) but it really drove home to him the vast difference between attended and unattended birth. I think my success in bringing him over to my side had a lot to do with just allowing him to mull it over in his own time and come to the decision himself. Which *I* would appreciate if the situation were reversed.

Sparklin, it sounds like you're in a very good situation, knowing a midwife who supports UC. My suggestion would be to hire her as back-up. And then just keep it open. If, on the day of labor, your husband starts freaking out (which is unlikely if you're not) you can just call her to sit in another room with him, lol. Sort of a midhusband. Seriously, I myself kept it open until the end -- I really didn't know whether I was going to call one of my midwife friends or not. But intuitively that need never arose (nor did any other more physical warning signs that I might need help.)

[Cathi]

Well, I can tell you our experience thus far! My dh has a similar way of thinking to yours so maybe it'll help.

With our son we chose a birth center and for various reasons ended up with a csection. I had wanted a homebirth, but dh wanted a hospital birth so that was our compromise. After my csection I worked very hard to journey to wanting a VBAC. On the latter part of that journey dh began to join in and agreed that it was very important to both of us that we birth our own baby next time.

He wanted a homebirth and I wanted to go unassisted. Once again, we compromised. Because I'm a great VBAC candidate I feel very comfortable laboring and delivering at home. We have chosen a documented midwife to be with us in our home when I feel ready to have her there. While some say this isn't really an unassisted birth, I say it is. I'm trusting my body to tell me if something is wrong, and if it is I have prepared well by having someone more knowledgeable than I there to help us. Plus, this way if something does go wrong and we need to trasnport I have someone to take care of me at the hospital and be my advocate. If baby comes at home and there is a need to transfer then we have one adult for me and one adult for the baby.

I believe in birth, I believe in my body's ability to birth. But I also know that sometimes things happen that we can't control. I experienced that lack of control once before and I learned a great deal from it. This time around I have prepared for many birth scenarios so that I can get the best experience possible with my last little baby.

It sounds as though you have a terrific support system for UC. I bet if you give your dh time and really explain your feelings for needing UC that he will come to agree. Men need to feel like they have a role, and that they have some control. I look forward to reading your birth story, however you choose to birth!! Best of luck!

[Spark]

Thank you all so very much. I found myself tearing up a bit. I guess on some level I was afraid that DH might never come around. It was very reasuring to hear that not every partner was 100% on board with UC from the get-go.

And, yes, I do have at least 9 months afterall. It's just UC has been on mind so much. I have dreams just about every night that I'm birthing a baby in my bathroom! Sometimes I wake up and need to check to make sure there's not a baby between my legs. (In some circles this story would label me as a freak I know)

Tracy, it's so nice to have a Nursing/TTC gal thinking of this, too. It feels like a leap of faith...one that I really would like to take.

I'm going to take the suggestions and start warming my husband up to the idea. Just a few months ago I showed him pics of this birth (European one of Cesne's birth sp?). In it the partner supported and caught the baby while the midwife hung out in the room. My DH said that he'd never want to do that. He thought he'd be too nervous. I'll keep gently making suggestions.

Thank you all so much. My heart feels so full after reading your comments and suggestions.