Homebirth and family "visiting hours"

[sparklett]

Hello all,

I am expecting my first in June and have decided to do a homebirth, and need some help with how to handle my friends and family once the baby is born. In my circle of friends and family, when someone goes to a hospital to give birth, everyone camps out at the hospital so that they can see the baby and congratulate the mama.

During my HB, I don't want to have anyone present, just my MW and DH. My house is too small for people to sit around and congregate, I don't want to feel like I have to entertain, and I want to be able to feel like I can vocalize during labor without feeling embarassed.

So, do any of you have any suggestions on how I should handle my family? At what point to you typically invite family over to see the baby? How do you politely ask them to leave once you get too tired? I think my problem is that I have a feeling that I will be completely overwhelmed with visitors, and I won't be able to bond with the baby. In a hospital, things are different due to visiting hours, restrictions on the number of people allowed in the room, etc. I'm worried that my quiet little homebirth might turn into a free-for-all. Of course I want to share this experience with my family, who are all VERY excited, but how do I go about laying down the ground rules??

Thanks for your insight!!

[cheeseRjedi]

Well, luckily for me all my family lives across the country so there was no way they were coming over right away. Dh's (local) family came over the next day. When I felt overwhelmed, I told them that I needed to lay down in bed and nurse the baby.

Does your family know you are having a HB? Do they think they are going to be there? I would state my needs about this asap to them. Tell them the truth - you need to be completely comfortable (i.e. - not having to be a 'host') and you don't have room for people to hang out. You can even joke with them about how you've heard how primal women get in labor and want to spare them the animal sounds. Seriously though, you NEED to be at peace. I stalled when I had unecessary visitors during labor. Labor is not something you can control - it overtakes you.

After the baby was born we put a sign on our door that stated baby's name & stats and we asked that anyone who came over only stay for a half hour/hour TOPS and please do something to help while there.

Good luck and congrats for choosing to have a HB!

[alegna]

I simply would not call them until after the baby is here and you're all settled. If you really feel the need to call them in labor I'd say something like "things are starting up, we'll give you a call when we're ready for you to come over"

Me- I just had everybody there but I don't mind an audience.

-Angela

[~Megan~]

My midwife put up a sign on the door with some guidelines and one of them is that no one visit for more than 20 minutes unless they are staying to do housework.

I would enforce that or some other time period that works for you.

After ds was born we slept for 7 or 8 hours then dh's parents, one sister, and his bil's family came over for about an hour. Unfortunately, they brought their little dd that had a cold sore even though the sign listed that as an indication of someone who shouldn't visit.

So put a sign up on the door and have your family read it first. Ensure them they will get plenty of time later but for now you all need your rest and some time to adjust.

[churchofdisco]

Originally Posted by alegna

I simply would not call them until after the baby is here and you're all settled. If you really feel the need to call them in labor I'd say something like "things are starting up, we'll give you a call when we're ready for you to come over"

:

my family is about 1400 miles away, so i don't really have that issue, but i also like the idea of a sign on the door stating that no-one stay longer than x amount of time unless they are pitching in with the house work.

[musemor]

I agree with above posters, don't call until you want them to come over, and make it clear how long you want the visit to be.

After I woke up from my post-birth nap, I was on a major high from the birth and was really eager to show the baby to everyone on the planet! Resist the urge to invite everybody over all at once. I got exhausted very suddenly and it was really hard to get people to leave once they had planted their butt on my couch. It's also a critical period for bonding and getting breastfeeding started and you don't want anybody (however well-meaning) getting in your way. I ended up holing up in the bedroom during almost every visit because we had a lot of unanticipated breastfeeding challenges. It was really difficult to relax and connect with my baby knowing that I had an audience just outside the door. Also, the postpartum hormones had me on such a high alert that I couldn't sleep if anybody was talking in the house. Even if people were being respectful and not staying too long, it threw a wrench in things. I don't feel like I really bonded with my baby until she was three weeks old, when everybody finally left us alone! Protect your new little family as much as possible; you won't regret it!

[MommytoTwo]

I would be VERY upfront about it. Dont let them think about it for a few weeks or months before you spring it on them that they wont be invited. As soon as you tell them its a hb, you can say "And it will be me and DH and MW and we will call as soon as we are ready for visitors"
I would also wear pajamas for the first few days and take visitors in your bedroom. People dont feel as comfortable sitting around in your personal private space for hours whereas if you are sitting on the couch in shorts and a t-shirt it will seem like you are up and ready to go, kwim?

Course I havent had a hb yet but those are my ideas. lol

[Nicole77]

We have a few family members that we do not call until after the baby is born because we know they would show up on the doorstep while I am still in labor otherwise. And I would definitely not be happy about that. After the baby is born we call any immediate family who isn't already there and welcome them over to meet the new one briefly. Then we sort of kick people out so we can get some rest.

The next day is more the issue for us. Last time around when people called to come over and see the new baby we just said come by whenever works for you. Well, we ended up with a stream of people in our house literally from 8am-8pm. No one overlapped, every single group ended up coming just on the heels of the last. So not cool. We were exhausted by the end of the day. This time we plan to answer calls to see the baby with a "we would love to see you. Anytime between 10 and 2 (or whatever) would be great for us." Try to make the whole thing a bit less chaotic!

[badgerbaby]

My mw also posts a sign on the door with the baby's stats and it says something like "Invited guests are welcome to stay for a short visit (a short visit is defined as 15-20 mins). If you have more time to spare, please volunteer to do some housekeeping or errands that may be needed. Baby and family are resting and bonding..."

It's not exactly like that, but you get the idea...

You could easy make up one of these yourself or ask if your midwife has such a thing.

[ericswifey27]

Originally Posted by musemor

I agree with above posters, don't call until you want them to come over, and make it clear how long you want the visit to be.

And if they just "show up" lock the door and disable the doorbell. I am like you- I want my privacy. I think a small part (won't get into the big part) of why I stalled was my mother visiting me. I am not even telling anyone that I am in labor, except my twin sis and maybe my older sister. At some point I will call my in-laws if I need help with my son, who is 3, but I will probably send him over to gma & gpa's house, not the other way around...

[reducereuserecycle]

I had some extreme anxiety about this issue. DH and I made the decision that there will be absolutely no visitors for one week. After that, we will invite our parents and siblings (who all live out of town) but will ask them to stay in a hotel. My parents are very helpful and are welcome to stay and visit during the couple days they will be in town. DH's mom is like taking care of another baby and wants to be waited on. So, while she is in town, I'm hoping her visit(s) are short. I doubt she will stay longer than a day or two and she will most likely throw a fit and say she can't afford a motel (she can get over it). If she doesn't want to pay for a motel, then she can drive down and back in one day cause she doesn't live that far away.
As far as friends and extended family, I really havn't discussed any of the plans with them, but I don't plan to answer the phone or doorbell for a couple weeks. If I wanted them there, I would call and personally invite them. I have always dispised people that went to the hospital like the hour after someone gave birth and acted like they had a right to be there. It should be a personal time intended only for those that are personally invited.

[phillychiquita]

we just went through this. First, we didnt tell anyone we were in labor, except my mom who came to be here for the birth (at my request). The next day we had immediate family come by for a first glimpse, But then the a few days later, DH's parents came back again twice, and the last two visits stressed us out...(like the gates had been opened and I felt like they were way too comfortable coming into and out of my bedroom). So after that we didnt really take visitors except for my parents (who are much more helpful and who live closer). We are now two weeks PP and its been blissfully quiet for the last few days.

My suggestions:
1) explain ahead of time to immediate family that you will require some bonding time before you receive any guests and that in the beginning, you will only let immediate family come for a visit. When My in laws heard that we were planning to lie-in and they were worried they wouldnt get to meet baby for a week or two, but I said, basically, "look, we will call you when she is born and you can come over soon after birth for a short visit, but then we will want our privacy for a while (like two weeks)." It helped to prevent the initial visit from being too long.
2) Get a note to post on the front door. Set the stage before people enter your house. Say something like "please limit your visit to ten minutes unless you are helping with housework". We had a note, but no one read ours because it was on the fridge in the kitchen. Have some suggestions for how to help on the note too (i.e. please throw in a load of laundry before you go), although the only people/visitors in our lives who really did anything to help with housework were my mom and dad, the note might be useful for other families who have more generous helpers.
3) Send an email announcement to everyone (including family) that states that you had the baby and, "We are taking some time to bond with our new baby, and will be glad to have visitors after our two week babymoon is over. Please give us a call if you'd like to schedule a visit!"
4) Appoint a gatekeeper to answer the phone and monitor calls and visitors. If visitors do come, have your gatekeeper come back in ten minutes and gently remind them that you need rest, etc...

[Shell_Ell]

We just won't call anyone until we're ready for potential visitors.

My mom might need to come get DS, but I've made it pretty clear that if she comes to get him during or after labor, and then brings him back, that she will be the only one coming.

My experience with my son's birth was that when you are at home (didn't homebirth, transferred from a birth center but we were home after 12 hours) people sort of forget you JUST had a baby and should be resting (and waited on, damnit!) If anyone does visit, I won't be coming down and entertaining. I'll be up in our bedroom, for at least the first few days.

I say this because I had visiters the day after his birth and I was cleaning up my kitchen the night of his birth. I was running on adrenaline!

[kijip]

With my son, we explicitly asked for no hospital vistors and we ended up with people camping out. I was more than a little peeved that on being asked to leave quite forcefully, they did not. This next time, since people are so unwilling to listen, I have every intention of telling people that my due date is a couple of weeks after it actually is and only calling once the first bit of the babymoon is over. Since we are considering a HB, that goes double because I just don't need to talk to the ILs about it, IYKWIM.

[Mystic Mama]

This is a really tricky issue After two births I feel I really know how to handle this and basically you have to be completley matter of fact and firm! With my first my MIL showed up at our door the day she was born(SHE lived 6 hrs away) after being asked not to come for a week, She didnt respect my space or my mothering and constantly made discouraging comments about nursing! I can literally say I have never been more violated and even though its been over 7 yrs I still feel angryand hurt! My husband even told her to give us one day to bond and she refused saying we were being selfish! With my second we layed it down we told them we would absolutley not see ANYONE even if they showed up until a week after the birth at that time out of town guest could visit for the day but they needed to make food and be helpful! I cant tell you how much better this experience was! By a week I enjoyed the help my milk had come in and I wasnt in as vunerable a state, I know my MIL
REALEYESED this as well! Now with #3 we already have members of the family stating they want to BE there,(IAM like again!@#%%#&) So my DH and i have decided to craft a letter to be sent a lovingly as possible just stating that we are to have a private birth and at least a week of recovery before any visits! and then limited to just family and 20 min food drop offs! With number three its a bit like #1 you need to get that dynamic under your belt a bit, and I definitly need privacy and space to make that happen in a healthy way!
Good Luck and dont be afraid to stand firm MAMA this will be the first of many issues that require your steadfastness!!!
Blessed LOve!

[sparklett]

Thanks for all of the great suggestions!

I didn't consider placing a note on the door or sending out an e-mail ahead of time. Great ideas! I think, like a few of you, my main issue is with my mother. I love her dearly and she totally means well, but she told us that she was planning on living with us for the first two weeks after the baby is born! She lives 30 minutes away, so it's not like she's never going to see the baby or anything. We've gently told her that it wouldn't be necessary. My DH just reminded me that a few years ago, we gave her a key to our house. Time to change the locks!

Soooo.... I think rule number one will be that NO ONE can come over until the midwives are gone, and I seriously plan on telling everyone that my midwife will be hanging around for 24 hours (realistically, I think she leaves after just a few hours). After that, we'll invite specific people to come over around meal times- someone can bring breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc.

I feel so much better now that I am at least thinking about a plan. I don't know anyone who has homebirthed before, and for some silly reason I thought that most HB mamas WANTED to have tons of people around. I feel much better knowing that it's okay to be a recluse.

Thanks!!