Just When You Think You are Doing O.K........

[lisamarie]

Just when I think I am doing o.k. w/my grief, WHAMO......something or someone triggers my feelings to be thrown back into my grief.

I know I have some common triggers, i.e. holidays, anniverseries, etc. But, this one (my dh's family contacting us) always surprises me.

I have not had a good relationship w/my dh's family, since his death. Threats, hostile family members and nasty letters have all transpired. I always get scared. So, yesterday, my ds received a valentine from his aunt and cousins. Harmless, but this is the aunt that threatened bodily harm to me before and I have told her not to have ANY contact w/our family. I shook it off yesterday, but this morning at 5:00 am, I woke up from an awful nightmare. Its always about them or my dh trying to hurt me or Dane or take Dane away from me. I couldn't shake the dream or fall back asleep.

So today, I am overally emotional and tired. It always happens after his family pulls something like this. They don't respect boundaries at all~we have tried to set them.

Any suggestions?

Thanks~

Lisa

[Ms. Mom]

Deep breath. They're looking for a reaction from you - don't give them the pleasure. keep going forward like you are.

I know this is eating at you and causing you anxiety. Try to analyze what's at the root of it.

If all else fails - CALL ME!

[lisamarie]

Jacque~

Thank you~its what I needed to hear. It was a "bump" in the grief road. I'm feeling much better now. I just need to remember to prepare myself when things like this happen.

Thank you for the support, as always!

Hugs~

Lisa

[lunarmomma]

Sorry to hear that Lisa,
Is it possible for you to intercept the mail and not give anything from them to Dane? Just file it in the round bin, or burn it or whatever? Unless it helps him to have contact, I don't know.
My feeling is, just because they send it doesn't mean you have to take it.
But I would try to deliniate whose issue it is. If he is fine with it but you aren't then maybe he should be able to receive it.
But in the same vein then you have to try to keep your issues about the family to yourself and not contaminate him with it.
If you seriously perceive ill intention and harm and unsafety then I would return to sender or burn it.
Sorry you got triggered.
maybe you can try and go back into the dream and see if there is another message from your dh in that dream.
Sometimes our fears get in the way of reality. I do not think HE would be wishing to cause you fear and harm, but he has left behind a family who don't sound terribly sensitive to your needs or wishes or happy themselves.
I really don't know much about your sitution and I am sorry if I am presuming anything.
I think that dreams can be message givers, even the scary ones, if we can go back in feeling safe and see what they have to teach us.
Sending you much love,

[lisamarie]

Laura~

Thanks for your post. Its truly hard for me to put myself in their shoes sometimes, because they are so unhealthy. I do try to remove myself (emotionally), when I give DAne their cards, etc. Sometimes he is receptive to their things and sometimes he just gets quiet.

The dreams are a tough one. My late dh was very unhealthy, mentally. I truly believe that where he is now, he is healthy~but my dreams get tainted by how he was, when he was alive.

I just appreciate you guys listening and your input!

Hugs~

Lisa

[lunarmomma]

Lisa,
Just another idea, next time you are having a dream that is causing you fear, try and change it while you are dreaming it.
We can control our dreaming, strange as it may sound. You can return to a dream that you were not comfortable with and change the outcome.
It is an excercise to do it, but still, highly possible.
Interesting food for thought anyway.
Laura

[lisamarie]

Laura~

Thanks for the tidbit! You know alot about dreams, do you do dreamwork? I will try to remember that ~ sounds powerful!

Hugs~

Lisa

[lunarmomma]

Before I became a mom I was in a dreamcircle for many years.
We learned that we could re-dream our dreams. And that many of the dreams we had that we thought were personal were not. They are collective. The dreams are for all of us, though they are sometimes personal. We learned that we cannot see our own dream, it is best mirrored back to us by another person.
There is a web site that the dream circle started and you can get good feedback if you ever want to post your dreams on there.
www.turtledreamers.com

[lisamarie]

Thanks Laura for posting that website. Very interesting. I have an aunt in NJ, who does dreamwork too. Have always wanted to look more into it, but haven't had the time . It sounds like you have done alot of work around dreams.

Thanks Again~

Lisa