Am I being to sensitive? Re: conv w/ friend.

[LandonsMom]

So my friend just called to tell me how her U/S went. She is aware of our birthing choices and was shocked that we wouldnt be having any U/S with our homebirth. I've told her I'm not entirely opposed to them, but dont see how it will contribute to our pregnancy.....

So, today, the phone call..... The U/S tech found what may be a problem around the intestines/umbillical cord area. They'll be going on Thurs for a perinatal U/S at the Hospital in two days. She called me FIRST b/c I've chosen not to do an U/S and shes worried about us. Wouldnt it just be awful if I was so excited and our homebirth went well only to end with a baby with some severe abnormality. An abnormality that I could have known about in advance and had time to deal with the topic psycologically (were both por-life, so thats not where she was going with the conversation). I really didnt know what to say, and she could tell, so I turned the topic back to her situation.

I felt like she was being pretty insensitive. Or am I being toooo sensitive? She did say that "it" wasnt coming out the way she intended it to, but I cant help but take offense. Her and I DONT go about making decisions in the same manner at all, Our perspective is about as opposite as can be on most parenting/health/pregnancy issues. The differences of opinion are normally not a problem. But I feel a little....hmm.....put out.

[MommytoTwo]

Hmm. Well for one - I too would be upset. Trynig to see it from her point of view - I can see why she would want to tell you, trying to give you a reason to have an u/s but I do think its odd that she would call you first. It seems like something that she might tell you about later on. Plus, she could have just told you her story and let you infer from it what you want - I dont think an adult needs to tell another adult they should do this or that because they are worried.

I am super sensitive about hb/vbac so I tend to read into things and let them get me upset, so I dont know

[Isaac'sMa]

Hmmm....that's hard. It sounds like her heart is in the right place and she's genuinely concerned for you and your baby. She is probably also undergoing a lot of emotional stress due to the results of her ultrasound. I would thank her for her concern, encourage her to see your perspective and tell her that you need her to respect the decision that you've *already made*.

It sounds like the stress of the situation is getting to her. I would take a deep breath and try not to be too irked by her phone call. Maybe she just needs support and this is how she's asking for it?

[Full Heart]

Well I have had that conversation many times online but not IRL. I think I would be offended. I would hope my friends would respect my decision enough to realize I had thought of that before I made my decision.

Shes most likely very stressed and scared and not thinking all too clearly. Its too bad your friend couldn't have seen that maybe thats the very reason someone wouldn't want u/s or other testing.

[LandonsMom]

I agree with you ladies that her heart is in the right place. I'm sure that part of dealing with it emotionally is maybe trying to help someone not go through what she may go through?

I was just taken aback when she pulled the whole "what if it happened to you too, save yourself/your baby" thing. I dont need any more wondering if all is really well, I do that enough on my own.

I guess as a good friend, I should probably be more sensitive to what SHE is going through right now.

[Isaac'sMa]

Originally Posted by LandonsMom

I I should probably be more sensitive to what SHE is going through right now.

Sometimes that's hard when you're caught off guard and you get put in a position where someone wants you to defend your position (when it's something you've clearly given a lot of thought to). It sounds like you are being a good friend

I hear ya about the worrying. Don't we all go through a phase or two of that through our preconception/pregnancies?!

[Ruthla]

I think she's an overly sensitive pregnant mama, and in addition to worrying about her own babe she's worrying about yours. You're also an overly sensitive pregnant mama, and you mostly hear "you're doing it all wrong" from her, rather than her honest concern and the underlying fear behind it.

Sometimes it's easier to shift the focus to somebody else (her worrying about your babe) rather than facing her own fears. Try not to take it too personally, and don't feel like you need to defend yourself to her. The next time you speak to her, focus on her, how this U/S result is affecting her care, what she's worried about regarding the baby, etc.

[Marvelleaux]

I am curious. What can they do about your friends baby's condition while in utero?

[leila1213]

I disagree w/ PPs about her motives. I think the reason she called to tell you she's "worried" is actually to convince herself that she was justified in having the U/S. She's probably thinking in the back of her mind (way back there),

"Why did I have to know about this potential problem? Couldn't I have just opted to think positively and put off worrying about something that's probably nothing? There must be a reason...Hmmm, maybe it was so that I could 'prepare myself psychologically'? Wait, I know someone who is keeping herself in a positive frame of mind by opting out of unnecessary testing. Maybe I'll call her and make myself feel better by working out my own doubts in conversation..."

[LandonsMom]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I think she's an overly sensitive pregnant mama, ... You're also an overly sensitive pregnant mama, ...

This is surely part of the problem!

Originally Posted by Marvelleaux

I am curious. What can they do about your friends baby's condition while in utero?

I dont know, and she doesnt either yet. They didnt fill her mind with all the gore until they find out if there really is a problem on Thurs. Im guessing she thinks it would be better to know in advance so one could be prepared and have the baby at the hospital. But Im not sure, I did mention that it wouldnt affect my decision to carry the baby to term. I dont know if it would affect my decision to have a homebirth, but these things are pretty rare. I'm really just trying to have faith in the process that MOST of the time, everything is FINE!!

[13Sandals]

i often wonder how often things aren't going picture perfect in utero - but then right themselves as the pregnancy progresses. this is one reason that mass screenings bug me - you are just getting a snapshot of one moment in time that may be perfectly normal for the particular development of one baby. seriously, if there is something that could be done in utero for your friend's baby - IF there is an actual problem, it would be a very risky surgery. its very unlikely that it would be something that could not be repaired with a quick transfer to the hospital.

I agree she is trying to justify her decision primarily - we are egotistical creatures after all...on top of the stress that 'maybe, something could possibly be unusual with her pregnancy" i just can't buy into all the stress those 'maybe' screenings can bring. the baby is in there - secure and hidden for 9 months for a reason. some people are going to believe that that way of thinking is radical and crazy...well - welcome to the crazy club!

[Jimibell]

to add to this, I always think that although things usually are fine there are an infinite number of things that could go wrong.....we don't have tests for all this stuff, we can't prepare ourselves phsychologically for every scenario...it's just not possible.....
so I don't really get that whole "prepare yourself" thinking, it is too flawed....

also, I was told by my mw that if there is a problem there will be other signs, in most cases.....and if it's really bad and the baby doesn't make it, then if you're in the hospital they will take your baby away for testing and if you're at home you will not subjected to that......

[LandonsMom]

Thanks for all the replies, its nice to be able to vent a little to people who understand. DH is really the only person who understands this in my real life.

She just called to appologize, that she wasnt trying to sway me in any way and she supports my decision to home birth 100%. She talked about how she was feeling right after finding out and she just had to let me know. I told her thanks and that I understand she was stressed yesterday and from her perspective, she is trying to 'help' me and in her eyes why wouldnt I want to do U/S.

During the course of the conversation though, she said about 4 times AGAIN "I just would hate for you to think its going to be this perfect moment and have something like that happen, I can imagine something like that would get pretty ingrained in your memory, yada yada yada." FInally after the fourth time, I said, "well luckily these situations are pretty rare and I'm choosing not to spend a lot of time dwelling on those possibilities." Then I turned it back to how is she dealing with the info, her dh, etc.

Continuing to turn project this onto my baby and my birth is kinda pissing me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not the kinda person to think subjects are taboo, or to shy away from saying certain words, but why keep on it!! Theres no reason to believe I cant still have my "perfect moment" at home!!

Originally Posted by Jimibell

also, I was told by my mw that if there is a problem there will be other signs, in most cases.......

Thanks for reminding me of this, its easy to forget when other more invasive ways of "finding something wrong" exsist, and people think you're crazy for not chosing them. :

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by Isaac'sMa

Hmmm....that's hard. It sounds like her heart is in the right place and she's genuinely concerned for you and your baby. She is probably also undergoing a lot of emotional stress due to the results of her ultrasound. I would thank her for her concern, encourage her to see your perspective and tell her that you need her to respect the decision that you've *already made*.

It sounds like the stress of the situation is getting to her. I would take a deep breath and try not to be too irked by her phone call. Maybe she just needs support and this is how she's asking for it?

[EdnaMarie]

I don't think you're being too sensitive. I agree with the others that she was insensitive, but that it's probably caused by her own mental state as she deals with her own fears about pregnancy and now about this abnormality. I'll be thinking of both of you... hopefully with her it's just one of the millions of normal things that can look abnormal at a different angle.

I had to prepare for another midwife towards the end of my pregnancy. That midwife wasn't satisfied with my growth. It was a little stressful but I did it because I know that homebirth in our area is covered by insurance and I didn't want to endanger my coverage or coverage in general, or coverage for my midwife. In the end I still got my "perfect moment" at home, though, so just to say... whether or not you go in for an ultrasound, whether or not something is slightly abnormal, you can still have your moment, and more importantly, your precious, precious baby.

[momto l&a]

Originally Posted by Isaac'sMa

Hmmm....that's hard. It sounds like her heart is in the right place and she's genuinely concerned for you and your baby. She is probably also undergoing a lot of emotional stress due to the results of her ultrasound. I would thank her for her concern, encourage her to see your perspective and tell her that you need her to respect the decision that you've *already made*.

It sounds like the stress of the situation is getting to her. I would take a deep breath and try not to be too irked by her phone call. Maybe she just needs support and this is how she's asking for it?

:

[Full Heart]

During the course of the conversation though, she said about 4 times AGAIN "I just would hate for you to think its going to be this perfect moment and have something like that happen, I can imagine something like that would get pretty ingrained in your memory, yada yada yada." FInally after the fourth time, I said, "well luckily these situations are pretty rare and I'm choosing not to spend a lot of time dwelling on those possibilities." Then I turned it back to how is she dealing with the info, her dh, etc.

Continuing to turn project this onto my baby and my birth is kinda pissing me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not the kinda person to think subjects are taboo, or to shy away from saying certain words, but why keep on it!! Theres no reason to believe I cant still have my "perfect moment" at home!!

I think she is romanticizing the idea of hb. That the only reason you are having one is because of all the lovely dovey part and not because its the right thing to do. KWIM?

Like for me while I do get the lovely dovey part its more about that its best for my baby and me. While something may happen, because there is always that possibility, I would still rather have my baby at home. I would feel like the benefits still out weigh the risks. Like this pg I have had a lot of dreams that the baby has a deformity. Dh and I have talked about this and if its true then the hospital will not change the outcome. My baby would have a deformity either way. At least s/he would be delivered in love and the safest way possible with the least amount of interventions.

I'm sorry my mind is kinda mush (due tomorrow) but I hope you get what I am trying to say. I think she is missing the point of hb. You can't really explain it to her right now I suspect cause she is still so emotionally charged. But perhaps when neither one of your is pg and can speak about these things after the fact. Right now just support her in her decision and tell her you expect the same from her.

[PerennialMom]

Originally Posted by Jimibell

to add to this, I always think that although things usually are fine there are an infinite number of things that could go wrong.....we don't have tests for all this stuff, we can't prepare ourselves phsychologically for every scenario...it's just not possible.....
so I don't really get that whole "prepare yourself" thinking, it is too flawed....

I agree. Pregnancy can be so blinding that you can't see the entire future of your child as they grow. It's all this preparation for the 'big day' and all it's 'unknowns.'

Truth is, we can't be prepared for most of the stuff that comes our way as our children are growing up. From the funny things they say at inconvenient times, to those unforseen accidents where there is NOTHING you can do to prepare yourself, to a certain extent.

There is too much emphasis on preparing yourself for the birth (when it comes to the catastrophic things that 'could' go wrong....you can't prepare too much for natural birth ). I often wonder if that's why so many moms (like me with my first) end up with a 'so now what' feeling after birth. Three children later, I feel like pregnancy and birth were all a normal part of our lives....birth was just another day (an important one, but not one to obsess about) and we kept going, living as a family! On the other hand, a friend of mine is PG with her first and she's a total stress case about the tests and ultrasounds. She calls it her "Belly Drama." While children can be drama, stress does NOTHING good for pregnancy.

You're doing the right thing, mama! And like a couple other PPs said, the scans might be showing something in your friends baby that is natural in the development process and anything abnormal will probably come up way before birth. A skilled midwife knows that.

Hang in there! Maybe your calm nature can help your friend find her way too.

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by LandonsMom

She called me FIRST b/c I've chosen not to do an U/S and shes worried about us. Wouldnt it just be awful if I was so excited and our homebirth went well only to end with a baby with some severe abnormality. An abnormality that I could have known about in advance and had time to deal with the topic psycologically.

It sounds like your friend is projecting how SHE would feel on you. Not everyone finds it a benefit to know things in advance. Personally I don't see much of a benefit in fretting and worrying for most of my pregnancy, call me irresponsible but I rather enjoy the dream of a perfectly healthy baby for the whole nine months.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I really doubt her motives were all good. The odds of your baby having a problem are tiny. She's trying to scare you. I'd be a little mad, but really I'd mostly feel sad I think. It's too bad some people can't just accept how others do things, even when they're different.

I had no genetic testing at all w/ my 1st, no u/s after the early one before I'd done research. With my 2nd I had no testing at all, period. I'm very comfortable taking things as they come. Some aren't. That's personal.