Can You Be too Positive?

[crunchy_mama]

As I am getting ready for birth number #2 I am starting to feel anxious, but not scared at all. However, I keep getting asked about how terrifed I must feel. No, I don't at all. I am not worried about the pain ( I didn't experience it as such last time). I am a little apprehensive about the crowning, but think that being that I will be able to do a few things differently at home rather than the hospital that it will be better, and I know it is just temporary. I do not worry about my health, or the baby's. I know I am taking the best care possible of myself, and anything else is beyond my control. However, I get the feeling from others that I am being arrogant and oblivious. I cannot see the point in worrying about any negative things. I acknowledge that there can always be issues, however don't dwell on them. Of course then for a millisecond I think what if by the most remote chance I end up as a transfer, or a csection; will be current attitude be harmful. I would hope that I would be confident that we did what we could and were making the best decision.

Does any of this make sense? I keep getting these questions. Also, I have a friend due at the same time as me (hospital birth) who seems quite terrified of birth and all the what if's and goes on about how it is all luck whether or not anything bad happens. I just don't see the point in investing my thoughts and energy like that, any thoughts?

[mamamoogs]

i had a ceserean with my first so I have no idea what labor pains feel like, i didnt labor for a minute and I feel the same way you do not afraid at all
and that is what is kinda freaks me out, that I am not afraid but i am not
i dont know why i just feel this is the best thing for baby and me so i am comfortable with my decision , I too hope i am not being to positive or arrogant, Well from what I have read and am told positive thinking makes for positive results, and why waste energy on negativity.

Good luck with everything !

[MommytoTwo]

I had two c-sections. I did labor before the first one. I do remember the pain of labor - it was pitocin induced. I am not afraid of the pain this time - as long as I know its normal and I am avoiding another c/s I am not afraid but I wonder if I am being overconfident. But so many mamas here do it and so many women all over the world do it, so I figure I can too.

[Lousli]

My only thought about being "too positive" is based solely on my personal experiences. I had an epidural, (although otherwise normal vaginal birth) with my first and I was disappointed in myself and I really wanted to do better the next time. I read and I thought and I planned and I did hypnobabies CD's and it all went to pot when I had PTL at 32.5 weeks. My second birth was very depressing, overwhelming, and traumatic for me, especially in the light that it was my "do over" and I was determined to do better than my first birth. My dh and I plan to not have any more kids, so it was sort of my last chance. I think I was too positive, and it made what actually happened even harder for me to bear. There wasn't much room in my mind for the possibility of "failure" (and it really made me feel like a failure). Does that make sense?

[Emilie]

I think when one goes into it thinking no pain or discomfort will be involved- well.... that is asking for trouble imio..... BUT- if you are confident and determined that you will be doing this I see no need for fear.
Emilie

[crunchy_mama]

Originally Posted by Emilie

I think when one goes into it thinking no pain or discomfort will be involved- well.... that is asking for trouble imio..... BUT- if you are confident and determined that you will be doing this I see no need for fear.
Emilie

WEll, I am not saying I didn't have discomfort. HOwever, I didn't perceive my last labor as painful. Will the next one be? Who knows? I feel confident that I can cope with it though. I do not see the point of dwelling on the pain of it, it seems to me that would only make it worse.

Trying to prepare myself for all possible outcomes though. I do plan to still have a hospital birth plan. I am doing concurrent care as well (as the status of mw's in my state means she couldn't attend me in the hospital and most all of the local doc's save one are total intervention freaks).

I guess perhaps it does seem arrogant. I don't mean it to be that way. I want to go into this with the best frame of mind possible.

[reducereuserecycle]

Crunchy Mama-I'm with you. I'm not scared or nervous. Anxious, yeah, a little. I'm so excited that my baby's birth is coming up anytime now. I have lost contact with most people (on purpose) and I think that is helping me be confident. DH is still nervous about the UC but I think that my lack of nervousness is actually helping him feel more at ease.
No wonder your friend with the upcoming hospital birth is so worried. If I was planning a hospital birth I would would be a total wreck.

[momto l&a]

Being scared is what gets a person in trouble.

According to my new mw her greatest% of transfers are due to the mother having fear.

I havent ever been afraid of birth, I find it really neat to see how my body does what it does.

If I where doing a hospital birth I probably would be afraid not knowing what terrible things they would want to do to me. At home I am in charge of what goes on.

[LandonsMom]

I am in the same boat as you, I generally dont spend time worrying about what could go wrong with the birth, my health or the baby's. I have faith in the process of childbirth being completly natural thing that rarely has true complications.

However, I also have a pregnant friend who keeps kinda bringing me back down to "reality" (mainstream pregnancy reality) with questions, concerns, etc. Soemtimes its hard to keep positive and I wonder if I am sticking my head in the sand by choosing not to dwell on all the negative posibilities.

Stay positive and do what you know is best for you and your family. Im going to try to do the same!!

[Lousli]

Originally Posted by momto l&a

Being scared is what gets a person in trouble.

According to my new mw her greatest% of transfers are due to the mother having fear.

Um...yeah. Being scared isn't what got me in trouble. Or one of my DDC buddies who planned a homebirth and had meconium like split pea soup when her water broke. Or the mama I know who had ruptured membranes for 3 days, finally induced with castor oil, and due to a malpositioned baby pushed for 13 hours (yes, 13) before transfering.

I don't mean to knock homebirth or natural birth in any way. I think it is a fantastic and very safe option for most women. However, for those who have had true complications and are mourning the loss of their dream birth (whether that is a homebirth, a UC, a vaginal birth, or an unmedicated birth) it is very hurtful to read things like "being scared is what gets a person in trouble." As if, maybe if I weren't scared I wouldn't have gone into premature labor.

[momto l&a]

Originally Posted by Lousli

Um...yeah. Being scared isn't what got me in trouble. Or one of my DDC buddies who planned a homebirth and had meconium like split pea soup when her water broke. Or the mama I know who had ruptured membranes for 3 days, finally induced with castor oil, and due to a malpositioned baby pushed for 13 hours (yes, 13) before transfering.

I don't mean to knock homebirth or natural birth in any way. I think it is a fantastic and very safe option for most women. However, for those who have had true complications and are mourning the loss of their dream birth (whether that is a homebirth, a UC, a vaginal birth, or an unmedicated birth) it is very hurtful to read things like "being scared is what gets a person in trouble." As if, maybe if I weren't scared I wouldn't have gone into premature labor.

Well of course fear doesn't have anything to do with a mispositioned baby or merconium.

But if you read my post I said the greatest % of transfers my mw has are due to fear, not having something going wrong.

My middle child was born with merconium in her water. Because she was born at home with a competent mw there where no problems. I cant just imagine what she and I would have gone through if she had been a hospital birth.

[reducereuserecycle]

Being scared is what gets a person in trouble.

I do believe this statement.
I beleive that many complications are a result of fear, not just in childbirth, but in life. Fear can take over a person and affect their overall wellness. I believe in the power of positive thinking. If I have a fear, I get to the bottom of it and deal with it so it does not take me over.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mama

Does any of this make sense? I keep getting these questions. Also, I have a friend due at the same time as me (hospital birth) who seems quite terrified of birth and all the what if's and goes on about how it is all luck whether or not anything bad happens. I just don't see the point in investing my thoughts and energy like that, any thoughts?

That you're a good deal more sensible than your friend and that maybe you need to start saying to her "if nothing can be done, then why worry? Why make yourself feel so badly now if it won't change the outcome? Anyway, would you care for some bean dip?"

[Lousli]

Originally Posted by momto l&a

Well of course fear doesn't have anything to do with a mispositioned baby or merconium.

But if you read my post I said the greatest % of transfers my mw has are due to fear, not having something going wrong.

My middle child was born with merconium in her water. Because she was born at home with a competent mw there where no problems. I cant just imagine what she and I would have gone through if she had been a hospital birth.

I did read your post. I understand what your midwife said, and she may very well be right. What I was trying to point out is that there are cases in which being scared has absolutely nothing to do with why a transfer happens, or why a persons has a bad birth experience, or why a person has a c-section, etc. Sometimes, truly, problems happen.

And while your personal experience is very valid, and you or your baby may have had some very unneccesary interventions if you were in the hospital, my experience is also valid, and I needed to give birth in a hospital. And while I did not plan a homebirth, I planned for a natural, low-intervention birth, which turned into a traumatic four day ordeal. Hell yeah, I was scared.

I get frustrated at times because while I fully get the idea that birth has become too medicalized and that the majority of women can safely birth at home without any intervention or even assistance, it sometimes feels to me that there is overwhelming sense here of "If you just do XYZ right, nothing bad will ever happen to you." It is a very difficult position to be in when you've not only done XYZ, but also everything else you could think of, and still ended up with a crappy experience, only to come back to MDC and have people start to question you or make blanket statements that really don't apply.

So, sorry to derail, but I was trying to say that being positive is important, and I guess I would temper that with a tiny dose of keeping in mind that it isn't always as you planned or hoped that it would be.

[Sijae]

Originally Posted by Lousli

I did read your post. I understand what your midwife said, and she may very well be right. What I was trying to point out is that there are cases in which being scared has absolutely nothing to do with why a transfer happens, or why a persons has a bad birth experience, or why a person has a c-section, etc. Sometimes, truly, problems happen.

And while your personal experience is very valid, and you or your baby may have had some very unneccesary interventions if you were in the hospital, my experience is also valid, and I needed to give birth in a hospital. And while I did not plan a homebirth, I planned for a natural, low-intervention birth, which turned into a traumatic four day ordeal. Hell yeah, I was scared.

I get frustrated at times because while I fully get the idea that birth has become too medicalized and that the majority of women can safely birth at home without any intervention or even assistance, it sometimes feels to me that there is overwhelming sense here of "If you just do XYZ right, nothing bad will ever happen to you." It is a very difficult position to be in when you've not only done XYZ, but also everything else you could think of, and still ended up with a crappy experience, only to come back to MDC and have people start to question you or make blanket statements that really don't apply.

So, sorry to derail, but I was trying to say that being positive is important, and I guess I would temper that with a tiny dose of keeping in mind that it isn't always as you planned or hoped that it would be.

But fear does change your situation. It effects your body physcially which is quite pertinant in a birth situation and it also effects your reality. Your thoughts DO effect your reality. A hard pill to swallow when hard and sad things happen to you but your thoughts/emotions/energy are a factor.

To the OP, no I don't think you can be too positive. I've always been 100& positive about my pregnancies and births. It's much better to be 100% positive and then roll with the situation as it evolves then expect/plan/worry about negative things.

Laura

[Lousli]

Originally Posted by Sijae

But fear does change your situation. It effects your body physcially which is quite pertinant in a birth situation and it also effects your reality. Your thoughts DO effect your reality. A hard pill to swallow when hard and sad things happen to you but your thoughts/emotions/energy are a factor
Laura

That is written just like someone who never had spontaneous rupture of membranes at 36 weeks with no forewarning and subsequently birthed a 5 pound baby. And then in the second pregnancy, had a viral illness that caused vomiting and diarreah accompanied by dehydration and contractions every 3 minutes. Which led to rupture of membranes at 33 weeks followed by the birth of a 4 pound baby. Exactly how did fear make my water break? Or give me stomach flu?

It isn't a "hard pill to swallow." It is a load of crap. It is all well and good and easy to point fingers and say "She must have been afraid" and live in your perfect golden bubble world where as long as you aren't afraid, everything will be fine. Well why don't you come and take a trip over to the preemie/NICU forum and come down off your high horse and listen to the stories of women who were peacefully making their way through pregnancy only to have their dreams shattered with the births of their tiny infants. Seriously, I'd like you to go and tell this to my friend Amys1st, who's 24 week baby was discovered entering her birth canal with one foot and had to be delivered by emergency c-section at 1 pound 12 ounces.

[crunchy_mama]

Just in case there is any confusion to the point of my post. I do not believe that lack of fear is some kind of magic insurance against any complications or problems. I am not implying that someone with fear somehow makes someone guilty of causing problems. However, I am not seeing any value in living in fear over things I cannot control. I can control how I take care of myself. I control the quality of food I eat, the toxins in my body and house, and other things which have been shone to have a negative effect on pregnancy outcome. Beyond that it isn't up to me. I don't feel there should be any guilt over what we can not control. I do feel that fear only serves to harm the labor process though.

[kathan12904]

Even as a child, I've had no patience for worrying. Why stress over that spelling test, you'll either pass or you won't. Worrying won't change the outcome, studying will and once you've done that to the fullest of you ability, then thats all you can do. The same has applied to me for this birth. I've had a few fears and anxieties creep in as I got closer to (and now over a week past) my due date, but nothing like the serious fears and reservations that other women have had. I truly believe your mindset does affect your birth. Thats how I think those women who have "painless labors" do it, they don't expect pain, they don't intend pain; pain doesn't happen. Fear and birth do not mix. We're all just smart primates, don't ya know, and as members of the animal kingdom, we have a specific reflex designed to keep us and our babies safe in case of danger. If we sense danger while in labor ie:feel afraid, our body will not want to continue with the process until it is assured that danger has passed. This is just as true of invented fears and outside stressors today as it was for stalking lions once upon a time. I just read a post in another forum where a woman commented that she had had a serious fear of two specific complications during pregnancy and ended up having those complications at her birth. I think that is a case of the chicken and egg dillemma: Did she create those complications by thinking of them, or did she think of those complications so much because her body sensed they were coming? Some people even believe you can will or pray yourself out of a disease, so why wouldn't the same be true for birth? I wouldn't worry about not being worried, mostly because that statement just sounds silly, but also because you're probably tapping into your confident primal side and have nothing to worry about.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Makes sense to me. I had my 2nd unattended, and people thought I was so brave. Nah, I just knew everything was okay. I accepted the small possibility of complications, but felt no need to dwell on them beyond having an idea of what I'd do in each situation. I believe in maternal instincts. If yours are saying everything is fine, it probably is.

[ecoteat]

I understand how you feel. I only felt nervous/scared about birth for a few minutes on my due date when I was not handling my discomfort well. Little did I realize I was actually in early labor and 12 hours later I would have my baby snuggled in my bed with me! I never doubted my body's ability to do it's job. Sure enough, it did so beautifully.